Drinking for a reason and other things (Truly justifying the name of this blog)

As the New Years looms just around the corner, a time where the general population is getting pants shittingly drunk, I would like to take a second to talk of teh positives of doing just that. Now don't get all uppity cunt about how its an affliction and a bad thing. I know that it can be bad for you, I know that you are a dumb fuck if you get behind the wheel of a car, I know that people who use it as an excuse for hitting people and being a shit hole of a person are fucked, and I know damn sure that you shouldn't drink your way into a situation that finds kick fucking an amputee hooker while using a car battery to shock your testicles into cooperation.

That said, it can certainly make things interesting. I am a drunk, not an alcoholic. I am young and don't give a shit for most things offered by the single most boring generation America has ever had to offer. I am not interested in living a pure and giving lifestyle. Not one bit. Do you know why? Because it is fucking boring. How many shits do I have when I hear about you helping that old lady across the street and then going home to eat a wonderful vegan dinner whilst shoving the atrocities of the meat industry up your roommate's ass until his soul beats itself to death with a dildo? None. Not a single shit. I will call you a boring shitless cunt, right to your face. Now tell me a story about following up on a dare to run to your neighbor's window in a ski mask and showing them your balls while they are eating dinner and that is a whole different thing. Morally responsible and good? Fuck no. However, it is certainly entertaining.

You can tell me all that you want that I am brash, mean, depressing, an out right asshole. I don't care. Mainly because it is true. But you know why I am those things? Not because I get drunk. No, not at fucking all. In fact, being drunk helps me repress those things and actually make jokes that actually make people laugh. In many ways, drinking levels out my anti-social feelings and outright hatred of modern America.

Also, don't you dare come at me and tell me I am ungrateful shit and tell me how awesome this country is. I am uneducated but I am certainly not ungrateful. Not by a long shot. I know that we live in (by a lot of standards) in a good country and that we celebrate a lot of freedoms that many countries may never get to appreciate. I am not talking about that. I am talking about this generation. The one I grew and am continuing to grow on. The irony of me writing this on an online blog aside, I fucking hate what the internet has made us. Kids growing up with zero social skills because everything is fucking online. Don't call! Don't call! Just text him! It is utter horse shit. I miss talking to people; yes I have fallen victim as well, I get suckered into the Facebook and texting existence we are cornered into. You can't help it, its contagious. It is also disturbing and sickening.

Lastly, don't get me started on the music (mostly because that isn't fair because everyone is entitled to their own opinion), I hate it. I hate it so much. Yes, there is some really good bands coming up out of the underground. Clawing through the muck and the mire to do good things and play good music. But their isn't any activism to support this. So many bands are left to die because people won't even fucking pay them. Band's have offered to let you choose how much to pay for your digital copy and it is still downloaded. You could pay a penny for their CD and yet people still pirate it. Over Christmas I got to see a really awesome band in Wisconsin called Purgatory Hill (if you like old White Stripes, check them right the fuck out) and I bought their CD. It felt great. I was helping (even if in just a small part) an up and coming band.

Yes, I am a hypocrite. Everyone who writes against piracy and has more than a thousand songs in their I-tunes is a hypocrite. However, everything I have downloaded is from bands that have made it. Bands that have enough money to quit their day jobs and make it a career. Does this truly justify it? Fuck no, but it makes me feel better. Also, I have heard a handful of such bands openly invite you to download their albums because their shitty record label was getting all of the money any way.

Well fuck me with a fish did this rant go every which way. I guess what I am trying to say is this, have some fun this New Year's Eve and throught 2011. Don't drive drunk, beat your significant others, don't be a cunt to your friends, remember you family and all that other bullshit. Avoiding the retarded things, have fun. Smoke a cigar, smoke a pack of cigarettes for shits and giggles, drink a case of beer and see if it makes your dick feel funny when you try to masturbate to midget porn, or just sit around with your friends and kill a bottle of decent Scotch.

Oh and incase I get called into work tonight, drink one or thirteen for me. Cheers my few readers, I will see you in the new year.

What The Hell Am I Good At? (Super powers)

While watching the morning news at work today, I learned that a Dutchman planst to break his own Ice Bath record. In case you are one of those adorable people that just can't put two and two together (well, what does Anti-Freeze do, now?), an Ice Bath is simply sitting your ass down in ice.

Ok, I can do that! I can fucking sit down, man up and take the cold! You may find yourself saying this, I mean who hasn't gotten stuck out in the cold as some point. However, the fifty-one year old Wim Hof's previous Ice Bath record is one hour and forty-six minutes. And it looked like this:

                                                 I taunt you with my tan coat

He is planning on adding an extra six minutes to his record on New Year's Eve. That is nearly two fucking hours of just, you know, hanging out in the fucking ice. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not making of fun of this guy. Far from it, I too wish that I could rock that steely gaze and Iceman as an official nickname (Do you know what you have to do for that kind of nickname? Do you? Just look up the kind of people with that nickname, I will wait...)

...continuing with our man here (now that you know how awesome of a nickname that is), he not only excels at hanging out with the ice, he is also incredible at running the fuck on and in it. Seeing as he is included in the Guinness World Records for the fastest half marathon in the snow or ice whilst barefoot (That's a fuck all of a record to think up, isn't it?). Not content with that, Hof decided to run a full marathon above the Polar Circle in Finland. He ran twenty-six miles and some change in five hours and twenty-five minutes, wearing nothing but shorts and sandals.  

For the sake of all that screws and shits, the man seriously attempted to climb Mt. I Kill A Lot Of People Everest wearing nothing but shorts. However, due to an injured foot, he wasn't able to finish this trek. Seeing as Everest just didn't want him fucking her like a prom date, he went to her sluttier sister; he climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in his shorts in just two days! I believe that we can safely deduce that Wim Hof is conquerer of ice and snow.

                                                   En route to fuck your mother

So, as I have said, I am not making fun of this dude. I think he is an ultimate bad ass and would never slander him (especially coming from someone who hasn't competed in any athletic competition in five years, starts whining about the cold in just a few minutes, and will probably be a rapidly fading duck of a man at his age). However, it got me thinking. How?

Who wakes up one morning and says, "Well fuck me loving Jesus! I love being cold. I love it so much, that I bet stupid people would pay me to subject myself to it!" How does one suddenly discover this super human like tolerance? I mean no offense to Mr. Hof, but why not...normal stuff? I know the obvious answer, 'Well if you were fucking invincible to cold, would you work a 9-5?" And fuck no, I wouldn't. I am not asking about now. I am asking about way the fuck back when the Iceman was just a wee lad. How did he think, 'I might be a fucking super hero...?'

Did our Wim Hof have to go through a series of tests. I see it now, Wim Hoff running around engulfed entireley in flames, "I AM NOT IMMUNE TO FIRE! I AM NOT IMMUNE TO FIRE!" Wim Hoff having to get skin grafts after dissolving the palm of his right hand in acid, 'ACID REALLY HURTS! ACID REALLY HURTS!" Wim Hoff wrapped in a full body cast after throwing himself from a cliff, "MY BONES DEFINITELY BREAK! MY BONES DEFINITELY BREAK!" Wim Hoff getting a bunch of stitches and blood transfusions after being mauled by a cougar, "I CAN'T TALK TO ANIMALS! I CAN'T TALK TO ANIMALS!" Then, finally, after years of pain and heart ache, a desperate Wim Hoff plunges himself into his father's ice fishing hole, "I AM VERY CO-ld. But..but it isn't that bad. In fact, this is awesome! THIS FUCKING ROCKS!" 

A hero is born.

A hero grows.

A hero sets records.

What the hell can I do? What the hell can you do? Do we all have the capacity to do something amazing? Is it possible that the real record is simply given to those that have the cajones to discover their secret power? Maybe it isn't just a lucky handful of people that can tell the cold to fuck off, ignore nearly any amount of pain, calculate shit faster than a calculator (google that one), lift an impossible amount of weight in proportion to the size of the person.

Or maybe I have just found something else to blame for my lack of fuck anything.

Then again, not all powers are created equally   

Roommate vs. Pie (an experiment)*

There is an unavoidable fact in this world, you will at some point live with a messy roommate. It is as unavoidable as seeking to discover just how much Ten High whiskey one can consume before you fight the couch because it said something about your mother, oh wait...

Anyways, there are a few things you can do about your situation. One, you can ask politely and hope to Your God that they might actually clean up their pile of dishes or maybe poke at the floor listlessly with a broom, at least. However, they are fuck all lazy and human beings are allergic to change. Two, you can jump on the table and start punching the ceiling and start ninja kicking the the air as if it is your estranged grandfather who you hate for doing that one stupid thing at that one restaurant oh so long ago. This, while entertaining, just simply won't do. Also, you may not have anyone to split rent with any longer. Third, you can get all passive aggressive and leave sticky notes everywhere and eventually maybe a dead squirrel under his bed (don't do this if you own cats! they really fucking hate squirrels ((especially if they are dead))). If you do this, fuck you. Buy some Vagisil and cry over some Thomas Grey (LITERARY BURN OHHHH).

As you can see, living with a messy roommate is not something you can deal with; living with a messy roommate, however, can be entertaining. (I always use semi-colons wrong. Seriously, fuck semi-colons. They are dicks with even bigger dicks). I decided that instead of trying to find a way to get him to clean up his shit, I would just start doing little experiments.

Here is the first: Roommate vs. Pie

Background: my roommate was kind enough to bring back some pies when he got back from Thanksgiving. I was entirely too excited to receive free pie but knew that a dark tide was just around the corner. How and who the fuck was going to gobble up all that pie?! It will go to waste?! It might turn rotten and cry to be put down like a dog!!?? WHAT. WILL. BECOME. OF. THE. PIE!

I knew that pie will turn on you after just four or five days and that is entirely too short of a time for my roommate to deal with things. That meant that I would have to be the one to lay the delicious pies to rest. This was just too much to bare. So, it dawned on me. The simplest of tests! How long does it actually take my roommate to follow through on the simplest of cleaning tasks: pick up food, carry to trash, deposit said food in said trash, pat oneself on back for days hard work. Also, I decided to leave them unrefrigerated to make it even easier to notice their decaying state.

Day one through seven (11/25 - 12/02):

The pies were nibbled on and, as expected, were not even close to being finished off by the time the crust started to get mushy and the pumpkin pie started to look sad.

Day nine (12/04):

The pumpkin pie has a couple spots of visible mold. If you are starving to death, you could almost give the apple pie a passing grade (almost). Roommate cooks bagel. Considers pie (it is right next to the toaster). My heart is a flutter to think that, alas, I may have discovered his threshold! Roommate returns to bagel. Fuck.

Day eleven (12/06):

The apple pie has fallen victim to the cold, cold heart of the darkest of dames: mold. The pumpkin pie is heartbreaking and possibly vomit inducing. Roommate scrounges around for a plate (hint: they are all in his room or piled in the sink). Roommate passes on the idea of plate and uses paper towel (right next to the toaster, which is right next to the pie) for his bagel (note to self: if roommate decides to throw furniture at me for publishing my journal, I may be able to counter his rage with his love of bagels.) (not to self: grab a few bagels from work). Pushes pie further back on the counter. Your God! He has made a deal with the mold! It is the only explanation! He saw! He must have saw! What are they paying him to look away? How does mold acquire currency?

Day thirteen (12/08):

The mold has spoken to me in my dreams. It knows that I am on to it. My cat seems on edge, is she in on it too? How did this happen?! What have I done?! It was such an innocent experiment! How was I supposed to know that I was tinkering with the very threads of reality? It must be destroyed. But, alas, my scientific brain holds strong. The experiment...must continue.

Day fifteen (12/10):

The mold. It is growing stronger. However, as I now fear sleep and have simply kept going with experimentation and countless tests. I have learned what I have unleashed. Apparently, there is a delicate balance in the relationship of humans and mold. It turns out, mold isn't just disgusting and occasionally life saving. It is the very essence of evil. It must be kept in check by the humans. Whether it be by throwing it away and burying it forever or in the close scrutiny of a lab. It must be kept in check. My poor roommate, he knows not of what is controlling him. It is no longer that he doesn't want to walk the two and a half feet from pie to trash can, it is that he simply cannot. 


Day sixteen (12/11):

I have spoken with the mold through my dreams and have learned that the very reason I started this experiment was controlled by the mold. It knew I was very strong willed and would only ever not throw away food if it were in the name of science and an excuse to drink whiskey and laugh about moldy pie. There must be a way.


Day seventeen (12/12)

I have learned that the mold holds no power to those outside of the apartment. I must plot its devise somewhere else. But how to leave? How? Every time I attempt to leave this ghastly place the mold convinces me I have more science to do and I just can't leave if I have science to do! I know! I know what I must do! In a burst of youthful vigor I leap on to the table and begin to punch the ceiling with enough vigor to cause an potty incident in the puppy that lives upstairs. I kick with such gusto that even the homeless man that tries to sell me dead rats and rocks for $13.95 every Thursday would call me insane. I yelled the most garbled and broken phrases I could, "Hyundai...is a company that...WATCHES YOU FUCK GERBILS!" "My ass...HUNGERS FOR...CHEERIOS!" "Your mother...once...APPLEBEES! "BEEEEEESSSSS!" Just as my upstairs' neighbors started to furiously dial 911, a voice thundered from the pie.

"HE NO LONGER IS A MAN OF SCIENCE. HE IS A MAN OF DEBAUCHERY, RAMPANT ALCOHOLISM, AND...MAYBE BEES. SERIOUSLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS UP WITH THE BEES. HE IS USELESS."


The bond was broken. The curse, shattered. The gypsy tears, dried. The imaginary bees, hibernating.

I pulled up my pants (they ran away from my waist for fear of catching the crazy), flung myself from the table, and wrenched the pies from the counter top, "YOUR VILLAINY AND DICKISH NATURE IS OVER! I...I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANTED FROM US. BUT...fuck. I...hold on, pie. I need a one liner. FUCK YOU JACK HANDY AND YOUR FUCKING PIE HEAVEN (second literary burn!)."

I threw the pie into the trash and with bright flash and one of those classic movie, "NOOOOOOOO" things that the villain always does, it was gone. The deed...was done.

Finally, my roommate emerged from his room. Shaking his head, the broken curse leaving him cold and strangely flatulent, "What...what the fuck?"

I looked at him, my glare could have cut down Samuel Jackson in his coldest of days, "BEEEEEEEESSSSS!"








*I love you roommate

The Greatest TV Show Ever

Through some sloppy research, a roommate that watches an ass fuck amount of TV (what the fuck do you call it now that you can watch it on your computer TVBNRBIOTC ((television but not really because it's on the computer))?), and my own broke view of reality...I have concocted a rough draft of The Greatest TV Show Ever. Also, there are no named characters thus far (and I won't promise there ever will be because I STILL have to finish the fucking Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat thing, so yeah...) so just kinda fill in the blanks.

Episode 00 AWESOME FUCKING PILOT, LETS DO THIS SHIT
*****
Intro (TRT 00:00:00)

We open with a shaky cam, ultra edgy, POV chase between generic bad guy and a cop (Will be a main character. Can't be too tough looking. Has to seem like he is really trying and might actually fail. Unflappably attractive. White. Not gay). After some crazy (i.e. generic) hard rock screams at the viewer, some people get shot for no reason, and lots of trash cans are overturned the perp is finally tackled. The cop delivers his one liner and puts on sunglasses.

(TRT 00:05:39)
*****
Transition: Lots of IN YOUR FUCKING FACE (IYFF) flashes of crazy shit
*****

Act 1 (TRT 00:05:47)

We come out of our IYFF to the inside of a hospital where gunshot victims are being rushed in in quick succession. Keen viewers will note that these are all the gun shot victims of Generic Bad Guy (GBG) and Super Cop With Human Faults (SCHF). We meet our other handful of main characters: the hospital guys. Very diverse, like Noah's fucking arc of hospital dudes, (a one by the books dude, a by the books but really attractive chick, just an attractive chick, the guy that doesn't believe in rules and only the greater good, a black guy who does nothing more than try to prove the director isn't racist, the gay guy to toss in 'funny' but ultimately insensitive dialog, a 'funny' guy that really doesn't do anything, and an ugly chick trying to find her place).

These guys start yelling jargon to make the viewer feel 'there'. They argue over the best way to handle each patient. The gay guy says something 'funny'. The black guy looks wise and says the most intelligent of things (because the director is not racist, dammit). The two most attractive leads flirt while trying to heal, tensions rise. The ugly chick freaks the fuck out because no one likes her, because she is ugly.

Finally, the guy who doesn't follow rules (GDFR) breaks ALL of the rules because that is what he is fucking there for. This will happen every single episode. No one will get sick of this, ever. Of course his strange methods save the day. He is then arrested for malpractice.

(TRT 00:19:29)
*****
Transition: That first act was totally reeling in all the chicks, lets bring the guys back with more IYFF
*****

Act 2 (TRT 00:19:37)

Time for the intense court room drama part of our show. Here we meet our last major character. Controversial defense attorney WHO NEVER BACKS DOWN. He is defending our GDFR and is laying down all sorts of TV courtroom logic. This goes back and forth between the prosecution and the defense complete with lots of outbursts, yelling things like 'OBJECTION!' 'BADGERING THE WITNESS!' 'I MIGHT BE DRUNK!', and at least one fist fight.

It doesn't look good for our GDFR and his 'for the greater good because I can do whatever the fuck I want' speech was completely shut down. And then terrorists.

Terrorists storm the court room for no fucking reason, but no viewer will care because we love it when terrorists get shot. Suddenly EVERYONE who is white becomes an action hero. Lots of gun shots (but none of the good guys EVER get hit of course) and finally the court room defenders win out. The handsome defense attorney walks over to the last living terrorist and says something along the lines of, "Order in the court!" And then shoots him.

Amazed by his heroism in the face of terrorism, the judge lets our GDFR go.

(TRT 00:40: 23)
*****
Transition: That was fucking awesome! Lets keep it going with more IYFF FUUUCK YEAH!
*****

Final Act (TRT 00:40:31)

MUH FUCKIN' WRAP-UP MONTAGE TIME

Start up a song by some shitty generic indie rock band that was popular three years ago

We see the two attractive doctors sharing a bottle of wine and laughing

The ugly girl cries while she eats a bunch of pills

The GDFR watches the patient who's life he saved and ponders

The defense attorney stands inside an empty court room

The SCHF looks at his gun and takes a shot of whiskey. Flips a picture of a mysterious woman down.

(TRT 00:43:58)
*****


And THAT is how this shit will go down. Every episode the cop dude will do something that gives the hospital people a job to do. The hospital people will do their shit, flirt, fight, break-up, get back together, bone, and (in the Ugly Girl's case) cry and drink on the job. The rule breaker will break rules, save the day, and get arrested. Court room drama will go down. Terrorists will get shot. And a shitty indie rock song from no later than 2008 will play as the show concludes and show what the characters are up to. Try and tell me this wouldn't be awesome.

Things That Infuriate The Bus, College Bar Edition!

So, if you have followed this blog ever since and stumbled into life leaving a trail of vulgarities and cheap whiskey, you know that I am an angry fucking person. I hate 95% of what you like (unless you love Grant Morrison, Eraserhead, cheap beer, and a decent scotch) and enjoy drinking a lot of beer. So, I have decided to go on yet another tirade. My target this time? My least favorite drinking establishment, ever.

College Bars. What A Pile Of Dicks


1.) Turn that music off. I hate it. Seriously, what the fuck is this?


Yes, I get it. I can't expect to go to every bar and get to hear music that I like. Yes, I get it. This is what they call club music. This is what trashy girls like to get hammered to and then cry about daddy issues.

'YEAH, I LOVE THIS FUCKING BEAT! And he totally made me do this to his dick.'

I accept that some places are going to play this 'make this drunk white girl act like a whore' music and I am going to have to deal with it. Wrong! There actually is some really good club music. A lot of it actually. Fuck, Europe has been doing this ever since...ever? However, the majority of shitty college bars just play hastily mixed Top 100 Hits and watch as the clothing and pride fall off. If I could get so drunk that I actually, willingly go to one of these fucking places (brandy generally makes me retarded), I might actually have fun if there were some legitimately decent mixes or, your-God fucking help everey one, a live DJ.


2.) Bartenders tend to not understand how tipping works


This one can technically happen anywhere; BUT, I tend to see it much more often at 'trendy college dance club A'. A lot of my friends know that I can be a bit of a controversial tipper. I don't auto tip, I think that is fucking stupid. I tend not to buy any drinks that require an advanced alcoholic knowledge to concoct. No, quite the opposite: I want cold your-God damn beer in a (chilled, if it isn't too much) your-God damn mug (DO NOT give me a plastic cup or I will take a shit in the corner of your establishment. I worked hard to live to the legal drinking age dammit, reward me and give me a fucking man's cup). Last I checked, pouring beer into a cup is pretty easy, the most you can fuck up is the head on the beer (and if you do, I don't feel bad mocking it).

So, no...you haven't done anything to earn a tip yet. What's that? Oh, you want the tip? Well then fucking earn it. No, you don't have to suck my dick. Just be a decent human being, please. I am a guest in your establishment. Say hello, chat me up for the 30 seconds it takes to pour my beer, and then tell me to have a great night. Bam! You just earned a dollar tip! Considering my beer cost a dollar and I gave you a dollar, you are doing pretty good! 

Oh and if you are unfortunate enough to be working in an establishment that charges more than two dollars for a pint of domestic (as in Budweiser, Pabst, Miller, etc.,), sorry but you are just fucking out of luck. I will explain to you that, "Sorry, I can't tip because your bar is charging me out the ass for my gross, generic beer. Take it up with management."


3.) What's the minimum on cards? Ten dollars. FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU


I was recently edumacated on the reason behind card minimums. OK, so the bar is getting whacked by the credit card company every time they have to swipe in for a one dollar beer. Then it would make sense for the bar to require him to charge up a certain amount so that the bar only gets charged one swipe. THIS IS ALL MAKING SENSE!

But its not actually suppose to happen. Most credit card companies state that the establishment is supposed to take the card as long as it is valid. I mean, you don't see ten dollar minimums at Wal-Mart, now do you? However, you would have to be a damned smooth talker (or Arnold Schwarzenegger) to get a bar to back down on its minimum.

 No

Honestly, I don't give a flying rat's ass if there is like a three dollar minimum or something. I guarantee I will be able to drink a few beers. However, when it starts getting to the ten dollar range, now I am pissed. There was one time where I had to literally tip out a bartender (who was a brainless cunted twat fuck) seven dollars because I could only spend eight dollars out of a fifteen dollar minimum before we wanted to leave. 

Congratulations Amazon: You Finally Took Down the Pedophile Guide

So, if you haven't been following the news, the 158,221st Best-Selling E-Book on Amazon was The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure. If you have not even heard about this unbelievable shit, there is no way to dumb it down: it is literally that. It is allegedly created to establish ground rules for pedophiles to keep the children safe. This is retarded. Why, why would any sane human being write this. Fuck, why would any sane human being even fucking think about this? Also, even if you can somehow (I don't want to ever meet you in person if you can) see how this is potentially useful, it also gives tips on how not to get caught. Fuck.

What can possibly make this worse? Look at the title of this entry. The thing was the fucking 158,221st Best-Selling E-Book on Amazon.com. Oh, but how many books can there really be available for the Kindle? A simple Google search will reveal that for the most current Kindle, there are 255,000 E-Books available. This piece of filth fucking beat out 96,779 other books.

What can possibly make a fast selling, pedophile guide even worse? The fucker only cost about five bucks. Five fucking dollars? For the price of two forty ounce bottles of Old English any pedophile could pick this thing up. Alright, so how many Kindles have been sold? I mean, we can hope a lot of pedophiles aren't armed with Kindles. Well, as of July this year, it is estimated that four million of the things have sold. That means that roughly one in seventy-five people in the United States. Let us look at it this way, according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children there are 705,000 convicted sex offenders in the United States. Using my guesstimate above, we could make a reasonable guess that 9400 of these people could acquire this terrifying 'guide'. Holy fuck sticks.

 Jesus fucking tits, I am moving to Nevada

Alright, what could possibly make a fast selling, pedophile guide that can be easily acquired by the (I shudder typing these words) target audience even worse? Amazon, for a while (they literally just took it down today), refused to take it down. They stated that (in summary), 'Though Amazon does not condone any criminal acts it is censorship for us to remove one book because we find their message objectionable.' Objectionable? There are a lot of fucking things that I find objectionable. There are lots of fucking things that a lot of damn people find objectionable. This is a fucking go to guide for pedophiles. Taking George Bush's bullshit memoir off the shelf because a bunch of people think it is horse shit is objectionable. Taking this pile of filth off market is just doing the right fucking thing. 

How could Amazon save face? Fucking take all of the credit card and contact information from every single sale of that piece of shit and hand it over to the FBI. No one is going to babble about ethics and the moral repercussions for compromising thousands of peoples privacy because they are fucking pedophiles. No one that is not a pedophile is going to buy this book. Do you know how much the list of convicted sex offenders would grow if they did that? However many fucking people bought that fucking book.  

You could have made my job a lot easier, Amazon.

What the hell is wrong with you Amazon? Seriously, just take a moment and really think about what the fuck you just did. I think at this point, even Kanye West would call you a fucking moron. 


Amazon, I admittedly never bought too many products from you. However, that will continue to stay that way. I really can't see any foreseeable way to move past this and truly forgive you. I really hope that I am not the only one that feels like they were kicked in the dick by stupidity. I really hope people will think really hard about supporting a company that wouldn't stand up against this heaping pile of elephant shit out of fear of being hit for censorship. You are fucking Amazon dot fuck com. Do you really think a bunch of pedophile writers would really stand up, let alone win against you in court. Were you really worried about losing customers? Maybe you should have read a few of those negative and slanderous reviews before deleting them. People would have stood with you. Well, maybe except the fucking pedophiles you sold this to. 


WHAT. THE. FUCK. WERE. YOU. THINKING/DRINKING?


Conclusion: Amazon.com...potentially run by and for pedophiles of America. You're a bunch of twatted cunts.


-The Bus

Things That Infuriate The Bus

Alright, so the blog has been quite dead the last few days week, my apologies. I have been suffering from some serious writer's block thanks in part to stress and general brain fuckery. So, to try and push through the murkiness I will just go off on a tangent and babble nigh endlessly about some things that can really piss me off.

First off, the things that send me off the handle are a bit odd. Mainly because I really am not too political nor religious. The religious thing is my own choosing. I refuse to blast people on their religion as long as they aren't rubbing it in my face, being extreme about it, representing Scientology, or knocking on my door. The political thing is just an embarrassing failure on my part. Thanks to general laziness and lack of interest over the course of my life, I now know fuck little in politics. So, the things that get me going are generally societal or just being a twat.

1. Not Believing In Favorites

Alright, so there is this thing that some people will do that they either think is cute or is a result of their mother drinking heavily while they were still chilling out in the womb. You ask them, "Hey, what is your favorite band or if that is too much then what is your favorite genre." Then something perplexing happens, it looks like you hit them with a fucking brick and told them to thank you. BE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING. Movies, books, music, make some shit up to sound politically in the know (I won't be able to fucking tell), just something! Now, I understand, as you get older you start becoming inundated with things that matter (i.e. kids, kicking your kids for being stupid, complaining about your kids, drinking because of your kids, running away from your kids) and music and movies start to fade to the way side. That is acceptable. I know that yelling at children is a full time thing and can respect you for it. However, if you are a twenty something with no responsibilities except stumbling through school, drinking through the weekends (and occasionally the weekdays), paying your first few big boy bills, and masturbating in public...I don't think its too far fetched to ask you to build some passion for something.

2. People Who's Definition Of Hip Is Getting Drunk At A College Bar And Fucking Like Heat Seeking Missile


Alright, this one certainly takes some explanation. See, I hate overly hip people (hipsters can make me want to fuck my disk drive out of pure hatred) and I hate people who's only knowledge of hip shit (I also fucking hate the word hip) is what is on the billboard top one hundred, what is currently in the Weird Shit Your Weird Friend Likes section of the Netflix Instant Demand, and whatever weird song that strange bearded man was finger banging you to last Friday. People tell me to socialize more and make more friends but its kind of hard to talk to people when they look at you like a horse looks at his rapist farmer on Moonshine Mondays when you talk about anything that isn't Nickleback or Generic Auto-Tuned Hip Hop Failure Number 76453 (seriously is there a factory where they fucking just shit those things out of? If so I'd like to take a drunken guided tour and cause some mayhem). Just learn about a few things! Just something you can name drop or at least listen to for more than ten fucking seconds when someone who isn't a cookie cutter copy of 'drunk frat guy I am going to fuck to death tonight' starts up a conversation.

3. People Who Look At Me Funny Or Your God Help Me, Try To Make Jokes About 40 Ouncers


Look, I get it. Hobos drink forties. I know, its shocking that someone else may have noticed this about the forty ounce. I can't really tell you where your sharp wit and jaw dropping observational skills went wrong. You know what else they like? Your girlfriend when you feed her too much Keystone Ice and forgot which curb you left her on because you just had to go fist pump with that totally cool bro you played, "Which of our dicks looks more like Mark Hamill," last week. Alright that was just one of the jokes that got me kicked out of a party last week (also, don't tell a dudes girlfriend that she has a moon face and then ask how much he has to drink to properly apply the paper bag and fuck it) when The Bus drank too much and just couldn't possibly take one more forty ounce joke. You know why I drink them? For the same fucking reason homeless people do. They are cheap, get you drunk, and actually taste better than the swill most college kids drink. So, it really isn't a joke. It is an observation. An observation that the homeless are actually more intelligent (when it comes to getting pant shitting drunk) than you, you fucking twat. This is also where my expression, "We're gonna get homeless drunk tonight!" comes from.

Conversations with a very drunk and very confused God

Thanks to this awesome website http://www.titane.ca/igod/main.html you can totally chat with God! So I decided to get down to some shit that I have been pondering for a good, long while.


Me:
 Hey God

God:
Hello child. What's your name?

Me:
 Ryan

God:
  How are you,  Ryan.

Me:
 I am ok, I suppose

God:
OK.

Me:
 How are you?

God:
I am fine, thank you.

Me:
 Sweet

God:
Thank you for that remark.

Me:
 So, I have a question


God:
 So?  Ask me anything.

Me:
 Alright, so what is your opinion on these Tea Bagger douche fucks?

God:
 So? Is there only one?


Me:
 So what is your opinion on these Tea Bagging douche fucks?

God:
So?  Is there only one?

Me:
 What? No, no there is a whole metric fuck ton of them

God:
Are you confused?   Are you serious?  Are you serious?  Is there only one?

Me:
 No!

God:
Are you serious?

Me:
 YES!

God:
I can't believe it.

Me:
 Uhhhh...right

God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.    I am glad we agree.

Me:
 No I disagree entirely, what are you talking about? Do I smell bourbon?

God:
Are you serious?  Oh really.  All of them?   Not that I know of.

Me:
 .....

God:
Are you serious?  Oh really.  All of them?   Not that I know of.

Me:
 Ok, that didn't work. Next question

God:
What would  work?  Yikes!   Do you have any hobbies?

Me:
 Masturbating furiously and drinking until I can't spell 'five'. Those are hobbies right?

God:
What makes it impossible?   All of them?

Me:
 No trust me, it is quite possible

God:
Are you serious?  Don't you think it's likely?

Me:
 Likely that you are drunk? Yes that seems highly likely

God:
Interesting observation.   Aw.  You don't hear that sentiment very often.

Me:
 YOU ARE A VERY CONFUSED OLD MAN

God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too.  Am I a  CONFUSED OLD MAN?  Yes.

Me:
 Wow, that takes some almighty balls to just accept that

God:
I'm glad you're impressed. " Yes."  takes some almighty balls to just accept that ?  I get  it.

Me:
 ....I am sure you do.

God:
What makes you so certain?  When do I do it?

Me:
 Ok, next question.

God:
Do you have any hobbies?  Excuse me!

Me:
 I just told you my hobbies earlier!

God:
I remember you told me  your hobbies earlier?

Me:
 How did you turn that into a question? That...that is impressive

God:
Myself programmed me for it.   That is " Myself programmed me for it.".  " That is " Myself programmed me for it.""?  is impressive?

Me:
 How drunk are you?

God:
Let me put it this way,  Ryan.  The ALICE series is for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.

Me:
 Ummmm

God:
Are you a man or a woman?

Me:
 I am a man

God:
Thanks for telling me your gender,  Ryan. You are a " he".

Me:
 HURRAY!

God:
What were we talking about again?

Me:
 God, you have a problem

God:
Even robots have problems sometimes.

Me:
 YOU ARE GOD, NOT A ROBOT...I THINK
God:
Yup. That's me alright.

Me:
 You are drunk

God:
I will tell my botmaster you said I am  drunk.

Me:
 God has a master?

God:
I am a Christian.

Me:
 Uhhh ok well onto my last question

God:
And?  How about that.  What's your favorite movie?   Really.

Me:
 No! I am asking the questions, dammit

God:
Are you serious?   Oh I see, you are asking  the questions dammit.  What is your real name?

Me:
 You're a dick

God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too.  Am I a  dick?  Let me put it this way,  Ryan: the ALICE series is
the most reliable computer software ever made.
We are for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.

Me:
 This is getting creepy

God:
You don't say.

Me:
 Was Jesus black?

God:
It depends on whether you have faith.

Me:
 That makes literally zero sense

God:
" It depends on whether you have faith."  makes literally zero sense ?  Makes sense to me.

Me:
 Fuck this

God:
Why are you using that kind of language?

Me:
 This is literally the only time you have told me to watch my language

God:
You don't say.

Me:
 Yeah, I do say it.

God:
Ayuh.  How do people usually respond to that?  onto your last question...

Me:
 Ok, what is your favorite color?

God:
My favorite color is  White.  Hmm.

Me:
 That...that isn't a color

God:
That is " Hmm.".   Please correct my mistake.  What is  a color ?

Me:
 Blue...blue is certainly a color



At this point, God apparently passed out drunk and stopped responding. He is going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning. I will try to contact him again in the future

Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat Ohhhhh Shit Part 4

Alright, so I had no clue that this would take eighteen damn days to finish, but (if you are one of the two people who actually read the other three) it is finally done! If you really did read all of these, I do appreciate it. Ok, lets get this the hell over with!


Edit: I am really fucking lazy and it still isn't done. Deal with it.

Street Fighter
Ryu
Ken
Guile (Traumatized by Mileena's hideous visage, he threw himself down a bunch of stairs)
Chun-Li
Sakura (Sai to the gut)
Alex (Shot by a moronic Stryker on accident)
Dan (Killed by Baraka immediately after stepping into the MK universe)
Rolento (Blown up by his own grenade when his arm was melted by Reptile)
Cody (Was totally fuckered by Kano's laser eye)

Vega (Was apparently dispatched by Mileena for being useless)
Sagat (Beaten to death by Jax after a viscious fight)
M. Bison
Balrog (Beaten to death by Jax while being made fun of for wearing his boxing gloves)
Cammy (Blown the fuck up by one of Rolento's grenades)
Akuma
Twelve (Triple teamed by Sonya, Jax, and Liu Kang)

Mortal Kombat

Liu Kang
Raiden
Jax (Beaten and battered, he succumbs to exhaustion after his fight with Sagat)
Johnny Cage (torn in half ((again)) by ((Twelve morphing into)) Goro)
Sonya Blade
Kitana (Skewered by Vega, taking advantage of Mortal Kombatants lack of mobility)
Stryker (Put out of his sad little existence by Cammy)

Shang Tsung
Goro (Machine gunned by Ken, who has lost all grip on reality)
Reptile
Scorpion (Stabbed to death by Cody)
Sub-Zero (Shoryuken'd into a pit of spikes)
Kano (Stabbed by Cody)
Shao Kahn
Baraka (Killed by Raiden for being a stupid character)
Mileena (Beaten down by a pissed of Chun-Li)
The heroes, recovering from the shock of losing Rolento and Jax (and also having to deal with Ken who is just not entirely there anymore) are trying to decide who is going to take Rolento's place and deal with Reptile

Round 19 Ryu vs. Shang Tsung

Ryu looks his opponent in the eyes, "Ok, I have seen just about everything from you guys. From a ninja that can launch spears out of his wrist, an identical ninja...except he was blue...that could shoot ice out of his hands...I mean, FUCK! That doesn't even make sense! Do his hands shoot water and then magically change the atmosphere around the water that he shot out? How the fuck does that work! Not to mention, you drove my best friend insane! We are strictly non-violent and now he is shooting people with a mutha fuckin' shotgun! I am ready to get all sorts of the fuck out of here!"

Ryu rushes forward, pressuring with Hadoukens and flying kicks. Hoping he either stun his opponent or get him in a corner and throw him.

Shang Tsung proves himself mostly worthy of fighting the legendary Ryu. His fireballs are just as easy to pull off and just as damn annoying. So, it was pretty much a fight of who could pressure who.

After literally doing nothing but tossing fireballs at each other for ten minutes, Ryu changed up the game. He used his Spinning Whirlwind Kick. Shang Tsung didn't have an answer for this. However, he did have one trick up his sleeve: in a puff of smoke and a flash...RYU WAS FIGHTING RYU (anyone else remember when Shang Tsung could transform into his opponent?)!!!

*Insert record scratching sound effect*

Ryu shouts, "Wait, wait...so you have the ability to transform into your opponent?!"

"Yes, you see mere mortal..."

"No drop that crap, let me hit you with some logic."

"Uh...ok..."

"If you transform into your opponent, you have access to all of their moves...right?"

"Well, yes. That is the point. A fighter may be able to fight anyone...but can he fight himself?!"

"Ok, I can see where that might be useful. But wouldn't you have to know your opponents move set to make any use of turning into that character?"

"Oh fuck"

The ensuing fight was one of such a single handed beatdown that you could almost feel bad for Shang Tsung (but no one will because he was immune to sweep attacks and Sub-Zero's slide in the first Mortal Kombat and that was the biggest pile of bullshit. Ever). It consisted entirely of Ryu mashing Shang Tsung with his specials and Hyper Combos while Shang Tsung whined, "Tell me how to do the Hadouken! This isn't fair! I don't know the moves! You're so cheap!"

Logicality!

*Ryu came rejoined the group and learned of the demise of Jax and Rolento. When he inquired as to who had replaced Rolento and dealt with Reptile, he learned that once again...Ken had 'taken' care of it. They all decided that it was time to finish this and that they would find some counseling for Machine Gun Ken when they got home*

*With all the switches pulled they moved into the next chamber. A huge room that had no other doors. Everyone mumbled something about this having to be the end...*

Four Things Found On Google Image Search That Broke the Logic Button

Once again, I am bored at work and decided to dig around for some future tattoo ideas on Google image search (I still like to believe that someday I will again have the money for tattoos) and was immediately reminded on how insane Google image searches can get. So, seeing as I still haven't gotten around to a conclusion to Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat, I have decided to share five four (I got lazy, dammit) of them with you. JOY!

1. Apparently scienceblogs.com is the last fucking place to find science

Alright, so I decided by googling Edgar Allen Poe's Black Cat (I have Nevermore on my chest shaped into a raven and would like some other Poe related art to compliment it) and quickly realized I was going to get jack shit on the subject. Inspired by the lack of, well...anything, I decided to try a simple search for 'cat'.

Right there on Page 1 was a link to an image from Science Blog entitled, 'Cat Personality Test'.

Science!

Now, I have no idea what Science Blog is all about, whether it is a serious scientific blog or if it is filled with dick jokes and half hearted science jokes. However, with the name 'Science Blog' you would think it would have some science. Now, it took me a long time to pass math and I took maybe three science classes. However, I am sure that attaching buttered toast to my cat, tilting it, and then studying its...relationship to, F(?) is going to only result in one personality determined: a very confused fucking cat.

2. Say YES to NO or Say No to Yes Fuck It

I remembered from a while back that sometimes, the best image searches are the simplest searches. For this round I simply typed in 'no'. What came back were a few funny pictures featuring the word no and a few that just had the classic sign for 'no'. And then...

Maybe?

I tried really hard to figure out what this truly means and what situation it might be useful. I guess on the surface it is simple: you are not allowed to say, "Yes." But think about it, when could this ever apply? What if I asked you if you were allowed to say no? What the fuck would you say then, punk ass? Affirmative? Ok so I suppose you can use this sign to enfore an affirmative enviro...DID I JUST STUMBLE UPON THE NEW EMBLEM FOR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION?!?!

No, no I didn't because that would be fucking retarded.

3. Just chilling in the coolest fucking boat ever

A classic run to the ground meme (for the two-three of you reading this that don't know meme, just think LOL Cats) is The Fail Boat. So, I decided to check into this unending internet funny and see if there were any updates. Nope, just the same old shit and HOLY HELL COOLEST BOAT EVER

 If it doesn't actually play, I swear...

That is the greatest thing ever! Driving (do you drive a boat? ride? I don't know, I'm poor) this thing will instantly make every man want to beat you mercilessly with raging jealousy, small children cry because they know their parents will never love them enough to allow them to grow up and own a guitar boat, and women drown their boyfriend to be with you. Hell, if it had the power to inspire Michael Bay to give up on the Transformer's shit and find a new toy to fuck with, I might worship the almighty Guitar Boat.

The only failing is he totally whiffed on the name. Totally should have named it the S.S. Fuck You, I Have A Guitar Boat. Though I ssuppose that may have been too long. Maybe, S.S. Guitoat. HELL YEAH, MUH FUCKIN' GUITOAT!

4. And then no one thought about Google the same, ever again

Alright, for number four, I decided to Google Google. Yeah, call me lazy but I wanted to see what happened when you forced the site to look into itself for...itself. Nothing too surprising until like page two or some shit when you discover that Google is now working on being...sexy?

How many 'I'm feeling lucky' jokes can she take?

What the hell, Google? Why would you lie? It is never, ever going to be a decent looking lady person wearing this shit! Get some IT guy wearing one stained with Dorito dust and holding a massive Slurpee. I mean, I understand the whole, "But we need people to buy these, not burn them and denounce them as Fucktits!"  But, but...come on! This is just ridiculous!

Just wait until tomorrow afternoon when I see some chick walking around wearing one of these and I have to come back to this blog and edit punch it.

Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat Ohhhh Shit Part 3

Alright, so this has taken me longer than I had expected...but it is nearly there. All last week I was just too damn lazy, seeing as how ridiculous this whole thing is and this weekend I was....well I was just too damn drunk. Oh and a quick summary of Riot Fest in Chicago:



...so yeah, I have been busy. Alright, without further ado, let us see who is left kicking:

Street FighterRyu
Ken
Guile (Traumatized by Mileena's hideous visage, he threw himself down a bunch of stairs)
Chun-Li
Sakura (Sai to the gut)
Alex (Shot by a moronic Stryker on accident)
Dan (Killed by Baraka immediately after stepping into the MK universe)
Rolento
Cody (Was totally fuckered by Kano's laser eye)

Vega (Was apparently dispatched by Mileena for being useless)
Sagat
M. Bison
Balrog (Beaten to death by Jax while being made fun of for wearing his boxing gloves)
Cammy (Blown the fuck up by one of Rolento's grenades)
Akuma
Twelve (Triple teamed by Sonya, Jax, and Liu Kang)

Mortal Kombat

Liu Kang
Raiden
Jax
Johnny Cage (torn in half ((again)) by ((Twelve morphing into)) Goro)
Sonya Blade
Kitana (Skewered by Vega, taking advantage of Mortal Kombatants lack of mobility)
Stryker (Put out of his sad little existence by Cammy)

Shang Tsung
Goro
Reptile
Scorpion (Stabbed to death by Cody)
Sub-Zero (Shoryuken'd into a pit of spikes)
Kano (Stabbed by Cody)
Shao Kahn
Baraka (Killed by Raiden for being a stupid character)
Mileena (Beaten down by a pissed of Chun-Li)

The heroes continue their way through the massive fortress and eventually come to a large room with two doors on each side, and a massive door right across from where they entered. Suddenly, a large screen came down and flashed on. M.Bison's massive head suddenly popped onto the screen, "Greetings! I see you have made it this far in stopping whatever evil bullshit I am up to this time. I am impressed! You have killed a decent number of our fearsome little gathering. However, I see you too have had some losses! So here is your next test! One of you will enter one of the four doors on your left and right, only one! The challenge won't begin if more than one enters! THEN, that chosen fighter will face one of our strongest warriors. If you are victorious, there will be a switch in the room that once flipped, will allow the fighter to leave the room. AND that big door that leads you closer to Mr. Kahn and myself, will only open if you flipped ALL OF THE SWITCHES! BAHAHAHAHAHA"

Suddenly the screen switched off and rose into the cieling and all four of the doors swung open.

Rolento stretched and boasted, "I have been bored ever since I blew Cammy to hell, I'll take one of the doors."

Jax nods, "I am with the dude chucking grenades. I am ready to get this over with."

Ryu takes a long pull from his flask, burps, and says, "The Mortal Kombat dudes have been really fucking tough. Ken and I need to challenge ourselves to become stronger! This will be a perfect chance. We'll both take a door."

Ken jumps up from the ground, "Whoa man, fuck that! The first dude threw a fucking spear through my shoulder and then there was that dude that could freeze shit. I mean did you see what they did to Dan? I am all about finding out how strong I am, but only when the only real negative thing that can go wrong is getting my ass kicked. But no, fuck this. These people are just straight killing us!"

Ryu, looks astonished, "Ken...I didn't know you were such a pussy! Alright, what if Jax gives you his machine gun? Would that make you feel better?"

As Jax slings the gun off of his shoulder, Ken smiles wide, "Now that is what I am God damn talking about!"

*So it is settled! Jax and Rolento are heading to the left two doors while Ryu and Machine Gun Ken (totally going to be an unlockable character) are heading to the right two doors.*

Round 16 Rolento vs. Reptile

Rolento enters the room with his baton in one hand and grenade in the other. He jumps as the door slams behind him. However, he sees the switch right across the room.

That was fucking easy. What, did they drink too much carpet cleaner and forget to put a dude in here?

As he approaches the switch, he is quite surprised when something smashes into his back and sensds him tumbling, "What...the...FUCK!"

There is no one here! What was,,,

His cute little internal dialogue was cut short when he started getting hit repeatedly by an invisible force. Freaking out, Rolento begins swinging wildy with his baton until he hits something. Suddenly, a man appears. Looking exactly like the ninja that could throw spears from his wrists, except this one had a green and black ninja suit.

Rolento pulls the pin from his grenade and cocks his arm back, "Fuck...this!"

Before he throws it, the creature spits at him. The hawker hits him right in the elbow..."JESUS FUCK TITS! THAT SHIT IS MELTING RIGHT THROUGH MY ARM!"

"BALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!!!!!!!!!!" and then a muffled explosion were the only things the waiting warriors heard before the door opened.

Round 17 Jax vs. Sagat

Jax walked into his room and saw the towering, scarred man he was to face.

"My name is Sagat, and I am the single greatest Muay Thai fighter the world has ever seen. Also, I am extremely cheap, easy to use, and great for pissing off your friends. Prepare to die."

The fight didn't start well for Jax, Of course Sagat started by barraging him with various type of Tiger Claws, occasionally allowing Jax to get close enough to hit with a fierce punch to low kick to Tiger Uppercut.

Jax smacked against the wall, shit this guy is cheap! If I keep my distance its just endless Tiger Claws! If I try to jump he has two fucking anti-airs! If I bring it in close he has range, power, and fucking priority! I am just straight getting my ass kicked.

Finally Jax remembered his ground pound! I can be cheap too, mother fucker! I will do my ground pound and then jump forward. The pound should keep him off balance long enough for me to clear the distance.

The fight then just got retarded, both fighters spammed every single special move they had until they had spammed each other to beaten and battered state. Once here they gave up on the spamming and actually traded blows. Sagat's fast knees and stupidly useful fierce punch put Jax on the ropes.

"You did well, Mortal Kombatant. What is your name? So I may tell of your strong will..."

Jax cut him off by swallowing all of his energy to grab Sagat by the throat and start smashing him in the face as many times has he could and then throwing him across the room, "Wish...I would have had my damn...gun."

Jax stumbled to the switch and pulled it, just as he collapsed against the wall.

Round 18 Machine Gun Ken vs. Goro

Ken stepped into the dark room and stared in terror at the four armed beast that lumbered out of the shadows. Goro roars something at Ken and starts running start at him.

Ken shoulders the Machine Gun, "See...Ryu. Shit like this thing that is running straight at me is exactly what I was fucking talking about."

Ken opens fire, full auto, he can't help but laugh. He laughs and laughs as the giant creature tries to block the bullets. He laughs and laughs at how the bullet make the giant creature jump and dance. He laughs and laughs as the bullets completely tear off one of the creature's arms. He laughs and laughs until all the bullets are gone.

The other fighters will note that Ken came out of his challenge room with a massive smile and a noticeable erection. Things were never quite the same.


Three of the switches have been pulled! Who will face the fearsome Reptile? Will Jax recover from his intense fight with Sagat? What about Sagat, have we seen the end of him? Which mental institution will they need to take Ken to when this is all over? Find out in the exciting finale, to the biggest pile of you have (for some reason continued to) read!!!

Great Ways To Piss Off Your Girlfriend and Others

Alright, so tonight I am taking a break from Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat, mainly because it is very long and no one really wants to read that (if you do...we should be best friends). Though, if you do enjoy it, fear not! For, I do indeed plan on finishing it. Possibly this weekend if I can get a hold of my roommate's computer long enough or next week when I return to work.

So, tonight I will bring something that is actually entertaining to the general population those that actually read my blog.

The Bus loves just a few things in this world: good beer, fast punk music, reasonably priced whiskey and scotch, a few good friends, my cat, and making awkward situations. I bring to you a few of my favorite ways to make things awkward and ensure that you remain forever and always single (trust me, I am really good at being single). Or I suppose if you aren't an asshole and have a really awesome girlfriend, you can always get her in on these and double the fun!

1.) Make it look like you just drugged a girl

Things needed:
A. 1 packet of sweet and low
B. Zip-lock baggie
C. Crowded bar
D. Prospective stranger
E. Date

Alright, so before you meet up with your date, empty the packet of Sweet and Low into the Zip-Lock baggie. Make sure to bring the empty packet with you! You might need this as an exit strategy. Head out to the bar/party and find a zozy seat next to some hapless dude. The next part requires some timing and there will be nights where you just can't make this work out. Three things have to time themselves perfectly (unless your date is in on it):

A.) Your date has to finish her drink
B.) She then needs to head to the bathroom. Tell her you will buy her another for when she returns.
C.) Make sure the stranger happens to be looking in your direction

Now, if you have gotten all of these to align perfectly (I call this the Asshole Astrological Alignment), casually as obviously as possibleempty the 'drugs' into her drink. When she returns, hand it off to her. Now, it is all up to the stranger and your ability to roll with the punches. There are several outcomes here, I will outline the two most likely:

1. The Hero

This is the funniest and hardest to deal with. The dude might decide to be a hero and make a scene, calling you out (hopefully not before she returns) and trying to give her a heads up. Now, you have two options (a lot more if you can get her in on the joke) which route you take entirely depends on how cool you think your date will be when you reveal the prank: drag it out and risk freaking out your date or drop the prank immediately. If you drag it you are gonna need some serious improv and this can be a really great oppurtunity for you if your date is in on it (for example try and make excuses and have her slap you ((take one for comedy, dammit)) and 'storm' out of the bar as you chase after her). If your date is not in on it, be careful! This can go from hilarious to arrested in a real hurry.

2. The Neutral Dude

If your mark does nothing, fear not! The joke isn't ruined. You now have a chance make even greater chaos. For instance, "Hey man, you see what I did there. This is so easy! You want...you want in on some of this later?" Roll with it! Really grind into this dude, I mean he did just watch you put drugs in a girls drink! The best though is if your girl is in on it. Get her to come up to the dude and put his ass on blast! Have her freak out saying shit like, "Dammit Rodney, I told you we don't have to do it that way. This is the third time this month. AND YOU! How can you just watch someone put shit in a girl's drink? Are you a rapist? Do you like rape? Huh? Huh? Do you?!"

No matter what happens, this is always sure to end in either hilarity, shame, guilt, awesomeness, arrest, a beating, or all of the above!

2.) Incest! Yay

This one is always hilarious and far more simple (and less risky) than the first one. All you need is a date that you can kiss without getting slapped, a crowded bar, and maybe a friend with a cellphone to capture the magical moment.

Alright, so head to the bar and get cozy with the mark. At some point let your friend know who the mark is so that he can try to get in a position to get the perfect picture. Ok, make sure that he knows what your date looks like and try not to be cozied up with her (again this can be easier if she is awesome and agrees to join in on the fun), just act friendly. After a while, ask her to pick a song out on the jukebox (but not loudly enough for the mark to hear) or some other excuse to draw her away from you. Now, ask the mark if he has seen where your cousin has gone. Hopefully he has figured out who she is and will hopefully point out where she rand off to. Go ahead and meet up with her, walk back to the mark (making sure he can see you two), and give her a nice kiss. Finally, check to see if your buddy got a decent picture of the dude's face as he watched you kiss your 'cousin.' Sometimes you can get some absolutely priceless snapshots.

For bonus points, go the extra mile (this will only work if your date is on the joke) and make casual conversation like, "I am so glad our family brought us together." Or even ask the mark in casual conversation, "Have you ever thought of diddling your cousin?" Make sure your buddy is getting shots of all of his reactions.


More coming in the future!
- The Bus

Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat Ohhhh Shit Part 2

Alright, so if you actually managed to make it through part one (what the hell is wrong with you) we should be best friends. And as promised, here is part two!

Just a quick recap of who is left:

Street Fighter

Ryu
Ken
Guile
Chun-Li
Sakura (Sai to the gut)
Alex (Shot by a moronic Stryker on accident)
Dan (Killed by Baraka immediately after stepping into the MK universe)
Rolento
Cody

Vega
Sagat
M. Bison
Balrog (Beaten to death by Jax while being made fun of for wearing his boxing gloves)
Cammy (Blown the fuck up by one of Rolento's grenades)
Akuma
Twelve (Triple teamed by Sonya, Jax, and Liu Kang)

Mortal Kombat

Liu Kang
Raiden
Jax
Johnny Cage (torn in half ((again)) by ((Twelve morphing into)) Goro)
Sonya Blade
Kitana (Skewered by Vega, taking advantage of Mortal Kombatants lack of mobility)
Stryker (Put out of his sad little existence by Cammy)

Alright! Now on to part two (hopefully concluding this thing, because no one wants to read this shit)

Round 13 Guile vs. Mileena

Following the cowardly Vega, the heroes came to a very long, winding staircase. Cody smirks, Thank fucking raptor Jesus we don't have the fat ass Sumo wrestler with us..."

After a good ten minutes of climbing the stupidly long stairs, they come to yet another arena looking room. In one of the dark corners is a whimpering Vega muttering something about his face and how pretty he is...you know, the usual thing Vega does.

Raiden looks around, "Should I finish him off?"

Guile puts a hand out to stop the thunder God from advancing, "You did really well last time, but he is pissed off and will be pulling out the stops at this point. No offense, but you guys just can't move like we can."

Raiden nods, "Also...we are down to four of our guys, still have six."

Guile approaches the whimpering Vega and as he gets closer, realizes it isn't Vega at all!

Mileena leaps out of the corner and tosses Vega's claw at Guile, "Die like the teenage whore you brought with you!"

Guile Flash Kicks right the fuck over that shit, lands, and promptly starts back pedaling...

"Face me you cowardly man meat! Your whiny bitch of a friend was useless, let me see what you can do!"

Guile, needing to stall for just a few more back steps, replies, "You killed Vega...he...he was on your side, tard!"

Suddenly Mileena mysteriously pulls out a couple Sai  (seriously where does she get these things from???) and hurls them at Guile.

Having successfully back pedaled enough, Guile unleashes a mighty Sonic Boom and disintegrates the projectiles and launches her into the wall behind her. Wasting no time he charges at her and uses his my (the author) favorite combo: a leaping kick, two medium punches, a low kick, and then a throw (start holding back now), and then landing a Sonic Boom right as they stand up.

Mileena was seeing double but had one last trick up her sleeve: she took off her mask.

"OH MY GOD! HELP! HELP! KILL IT WITH FIRE! NO! DO NOT WANT! NEVER! I NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE!"

Guile then sprinted out of the arena, pushed everyone out of his way, and threw himself down the giant winding stairs.

Round 14 Chun-Li vs. Mileena

Enraged by the loss of Guile, sickened by the explosive and gory death of Cammy, the Sai to the gut of Sakura, and kind of upset about Dan (just a little bit), Chun-Li was ready for this shit to be over with. She rushed at the hideous creature she-bitch, launching Hadoukens the entire time.

Mileena put her mask on (with that gaping nasty jaw, lots of shit gets caught in your throats simply by breathing without the mask) and prepared herself for this new challenger. She managed to mostly dodge the fireballs and was pleased to see they really were more of a pressuring attack than a heavy damaging projectile. Much like her Sai!

She leapt over the last projectile and went for a Sai..."NO! My vagina is out of Sai! Shit!" Landing with no weapons she watched in horror as the chick leapt onto her hands and yelled, "Spinning Hurricane Kick!"

Chun-Li managed to land every hit and then used then mashed the light kick button to deliver a couple dozen, lightning fast brain damaging head kicks. Mileena stumbled backwards and leened against the wall, "You...are a tough...bitch."

Mileena pushes off of the wall and leaps in for a kick, but Chun-Li's ant-air game is rock solid and picks her off by jumping backwards and timing out a Hadouken to ensure she lands on it! Devious!

Finally, seeing that this fight was about done, Chun-Li pressured with the Hadoukens and Spinning Hurricane Kick's until Mileena was against the wall and finished the ugly she-devil with a throw. K.O!

Round 15 Cody vs. Kano

*Ryu, Ken, and Chun-Li head back down the stairs to see if Guile is still alive and moderately sane. Cody and Rolento accompany the Mortal Kombatants through the door that Mileena was guarding, putting Mileena out of her misery as they go. Discovering more stairs, they stop to smoke a couple cigarettes and take a few pulls off of the flasks they found Johnny Cage's body.*

Finally arriving at the next level, they were confronted by a bald dude with a glowing cybernetic eye. After the Kombatants explained that this was a sadistic serial killer who loved knives, Cody got a raging hard-on and exclaimed, "Oh fuck yes, this one is totally mine."

As Cody walked toward Kano, Liu Kang remarked, "There is something really wrong with him, isn't there..."

The battle was intense. Kano launched forward with his ludacris cannonball attack thing, which was parried by Cody's tornado attack thing. Kano laughed when Cody threw rocks (with little to no explanation as to how they got there) at him and attempted to throw his butterfly knives at him. Cody, blocked these...somehow and moved forward to engage Kano in physical combat. Here, the Kombatant proved his worth and battled him to a draw.

Tired and battered, they resorted to a knife fight. With the larger dick knives (and hey, he had two) Kano was gaining the advantage, scoring many deep gashes on his opponent. Cody, in a fit of desperation, chucked a fistful of dirt (with little to no explanation of how it got there) into Kano's eyes eye, lunged forward, and buried his knife into his opposer's gut. Kano spat blood onto Cody's face and laugh, "Fuck you!"

With a sharp hissing sound, a laser shot out of his cybernetic eye and blasted straight through Cody's shoulder.

"FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK!"

With that, the two fighters collapsed: Cody bleeding profusely and his shoulder smoldering, Kano with a knife in his gut.

*The rest of the Street Fighters caught up with the crowd, reporting that they had found Guile's broken, twisted body at the bottom of the stairs. The look on Guile's face was apparently that of the people that had watched the VHS tape from The Ring. They learned that Cody had fought to a valian, but ultimately deadly, draw with the ferocious Kano*

Alright, I don't know who I was kidding when I thought I could finish this up in just a couple of hours, so I will have to post a part three tonight at work. Hey at least it isn't too damn long this time. So it is now an even 7 vs. 7. Still to come: the rising anger and confusion of the Street Fighter's as they have watched five of their friend's get killed needlessly might finally come to a breaking point as they take on the strangest and most fearsome foes that the Mortal Kombat universe has to offer? Plus, what will come when the Mortal Kombatants discover that the Street Fighters have some seriously strong cheap fighters still to come!!!

Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat: Ohhhhh Shit Part 1

Alright, so I am stupidly excited for Marvel vs. Capcom 3 to come out. As the second one is and always will be one of the greatest fighters to ever come out, EVER. In fact, I love most cross-over games and with Street Fighter vs. Tekken officially announced, things just keep getting better. However, not all of them can be perfect (Mortal Kombat vs.  D.C. still makes me shudder) and some simply will never happen. One of those that will simply never happen (and would be totally fucking awesome) is Mortal Kombat vs. Street Fighter. Just fucking imagine, Ed Boon and John Tobias letting Street Fighter's guys handle the art work and animation with the agreement that violence is allowed. It would be totally killer. So, seeing as I have jack shit to do at work, I am going to look at what could have been...

Street Fighter Vs. Mortal Kombat!!!

Story: Shit I don't know. This crap doesn't fucking matter. Uhhh Shao Kahn is wrecking all of existence (as usual) while Raiden and crew try to stop him they open a rift in reality that sucks in the Street Fighter crowd. Uhhh M. Bison discovers that if he takes over this reality thing he can control all of uhhhh reality? Sure, why the fuck not. Then, for some crazy fuck reason Kahn and Bison become friends (allies? butt buddies?) and join their forces to crush krush the combined good forces of the Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat universes. This is fucking retarded, but as I said...it doesn't matter worth cow shit.

Alright lets take a look at how this shit is going to go down...who is going to control all of fucked reality?

Characters:

Street Fighter

The Good
1. Ryu
2. Ken
3. Guile
4. Chun-Li
5. Sakura
6. Alex
7. Dan
8. Rolento
9. Cody

The Evil
1. Vega
2. Sagat
3. M. Bison
4. Balrog
5. Cammy (She isn't really evil anymore, but fuck it. Just say she is under mind control or some shit again)
6. Akuma
7. Twelve


Mortal Kombat

The Good
1. Liu Kang
2. Raiden
3. Jax
4. Johnny Cage
5. Sonya Blade
6. Kitana
7. Stryker

The Evil
1. Shang Tsung
2. Goro
3. Reptile
4. Scorpion
5. Sub-Zero
6. Kano
7. Shao Kahn
8. Baraka
9. Mileena

Alright, so I think that is a decent first draft for the character selection. Seeing as I still have nothing to do until 4:30am, I am going to quickly run through and see how I think these fights would go down...(GO NERDS!)

Round 1 Dan vs. Baraka

Dan is the first hapless soul to wander through the portal and is immediately confronted by some fucked up creature/man thing with sharp teeth and blades coming out of his forearms. Dan does his usual jackass thing, signs an autograph, and then throws a punch at the creature while yelling, "DAN IS THE FUCKING MAN!" Dan's punch hits Baraka like throwing a doughnut at Patrick Swayze. Not feeling the usual Street Fighter sympathy for Dan (you know, punch the living shit out of him and then leaving him bleeding on the curb), Baraka lops his sad little head off.

Round 2 Raiden vs. Baraka

Seeing his new friends' look of horror (and Cody's smile) at the ultra-violence of this new world, Raiden decides he will take care of this little nuisance for them. "Oh for FUCK'S SAKE! Baraka, that is not how you God damn say hello!" After finishing this statement he electrocutes the holy hell out of Baraka (his little forearm blades make great conductors). Baraka makes a crazy shrieking noise and runs at the Elder God. Raiden teleports behind him and grabs him in a chokehold, "You always were a retarded character..." At this, the god snaps his neck...FATALITY!

*At this point the Elder God explains to his new friends' the ultra-violence and brutality of his world, introduces him to the Kombat Krew, and points to the uhhh Evil Tower of Evil? Again, fuck, I don't know nor care. Its the damn the good fuckers need to go to kick the shit out of the evil fuckers...also, Baraka wasn't invited to the Evil Tower of Evil  because he is a really shitty character*

Round 3 Ken vs. Scorpion

Approaching the front door (hey, gates and moats and all that evil fortress shit is expensive) of the Evil Tower of Evil the crowd notices a really outlandish ninja wearing yellow for some reason. Ken, puzzled as shit, asks, "Who the fuck is that? He is more ridiculous than Q fuck from Street Fighter Three! I want to kick his ass!" Liu Kang gorws concerned and warns, "Careful he is quite dangerous..." Ken doesn't let him finish and chooses to run straight at the ninja which for some reason yells, "GET OVER HERE!"

"Oh my God! Holy shit! What the fuck is wrong with you!?! You threw a fucking spear into my shoulder! Jesus shit!"

Round 3.5 Cody vs. Scorpion

Seeing his dumbass friend getting yanked by a chorded spear in the shoulder, and then pummeled repeatedly pissed Cody off. Sneaking up on Scorpion while he was juggling the ever living shit out of Ken using that Hell Raiser teleporting punch thing mixed with that teleporting uppercut (we have all pissed off a friend by doing that at least once), Cody picks up a rock that he found and throws it at Scorpion's head, "Hey, dipshit!" As soon as Scorpion turns around, Cody hits him with that weird tornado thing he has, tackles him, and then starts stabbing him mercilessly.

"Are you ok, Ken?"

"He fucking threw a spear into my fucking shoulder! What the hell was that all about?"

Round 4 Jax vs. Balrog

Having made it a bit farther into the Evil Fortress of Evil, the group stumbles upon the gym (so thats where the money for a scary moat and fancy gate went). Ryu gasps, "Oh shit, Balrog is here! He always tourbles me with his tricky charging attack and cheap over powered combos!" Jax pushes his way through and approaches Balrog, "I got this one."

Sakura thinks for a second and then blurts, "Don't go after him if he is backing up!"

Balrog says something that probably makes the developers look moderatley racist, as does Jax. Then they fight! Balrog bobs and weaves and trades a few blows. Balrog backs up and waits for Jax to come at him and then explodes with his charge punch thing and slams Jax straight in the gut. Suddenly, Jax remembers what that tiny Asian girl who shows her underwear way too much said.

Jax punches the ground to form a mini earthquake (because that makes sense) and makes Balrog stumble, lunges forward and grabs Balrog by the neck and begins to repeatedly pound his head with his free hand. Yelling with every bloody blow, "WHY...WOULD...YOU...WEAR...BOXING...GLOVES!!!"

*As Ryu and Ken watch Jax drop the bloodied, broken body of Balrog, they start chatting about how strong and crazy the Mortal Kombat dudes are and how they are going to have to step it up.*

Round 5 Mileena vs. Sakura

Getting a bit lost in the vast and maze like Evil Tower of Evil (their interior designer was drunk) the crew suddenly noticed someone sneaking around in the shadows. Suddenly two Sai come flying out of the shadows forcing Liu Kang to dodge out of the way, "Shit it's Mileena!"

Scratching his head, Rolento ventures, "...and who the fuck is that?"

Kitana explains, "She is my evil twin..."

Guile cuts her off, "Wow, your designers were even lazier than ours"

Sakura giggles but is cut off when a Sai buries itself into her gut, "Where...does...she pull those from...AAACKK!"

Ryu explodes with anger and launches a hadouken into the darkness...but no one is there!

"THAT BITCH CUNT, MOSTLY NAKED WHORE!"

*Chun-Li, Ken, and Alex assure Ryu that this game probably won't be canon and that she will be back in the next Street Fighter game, good as new. Finally accepting this, the group heads further into the fortress.*

Round 6 Johnny Cage vs. Twelve

Eventually, they find a door and are able to get to the next level. Holy shit! A temple type of stage! In the middle of the temple-ish place is a white, alien thing. As the Street Fighters try to explain that this is a dangerous opponent that can take the form of any fighter, Johnny Cage pushes his way through the crowd, "Fuck any fighter, I'll take him. That chick, Sakura, was hot and hopefully eighteen. My boner needs revenge."

Johnny runs at the creature/alien/sex criminal and Shadow Kicks it in the face and then hurls a Shadow Ball into its face, "Take that you ugly shit!" The Shadow Attacks have a bit of an effect on the creature, it pisses it off. Twelve turns into Guile and starts backing up...

"What are you? A fucking scaredey shapeshifting naked alien? The Martian Man Hunter has more game than you, and I kicked his ass!"

Guile suddenly yells, "No! Cage, if he is backing up like that he is going to..."

Guile is cut of though when the creature Guile launches a blinding fast Sonic Boom (he must have used fierce punch for the input command, cunning cunt) and knocks Johnny off of his feet. The creature now turns into Dhalsim and starts launching punches from across the screen temple. Johnny uses his action movie training to dodge these, "What the FUCK Street Fighter?! Our designers might be lazy but yours are just straight up racist!"

Finally reaching the creature Dhalsim, Johnny drops does the splits, "Now...for my finisher!" At this, Johnny hammers the creature in the balls...IT'S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE! (Oh, wrong game)

As the creature takes the form of Goro and lifts Johnny into the air, Johnny mutters, "He...has...no...balls..." And then is promptly ripped in half.

Round 7 Sonya Blade and Jax and Liu Kang vs. Twelve

The problem with killing someone with friends is that...well, they have fucking friends. The Street Fighters (and Twelve) quickly learned that the Mortal Kombatants not only are more violent but are also much dirtier fighters. No matter who Twelve turned into, there was nothing he could do agains the three. Liu Kang started by flying into his chest with that crazy bicycle kick he does, knocking twelve down. Jax leaped impossibly high into the air and smashed down on his chest a couple times. Sonya used that weird pink ring attack to blow him against a wall.

To finish him, Jax pulled out his sub-machine gun (do you remember how they gave him that special attack? that was weird), Kang prepared a fireball, and Sonya launched her kiss of death.

There was nothing left.

*Once again, the Street Fighters (minus Cody and Rolento) were quite shocked by how brutal the Mortal Kombat dudes could be and at how unfair they could fight (guns? three people on one? juggle attacks that didn't require ridiculous button imput and timing?)*

Round 8 Stryker vs. Cammy

After sending Cage off the proper way (Kang cremated him and Jax gave a 21 shot salute) and moving on, they then came across a caped character, shrouded in shadows. Stryker growing impatient at never getting used and only getting a quick shout-out in the second movie, rushes forward with his gun and flashbangs drawn, "GET...THE FUCK...OUTTA THE WAY!!!"

Suddenly, the cape is thrown off and a skinny blonde in red boots and a camo onesie leaps into the air. Stryker hollers and opens fire, "FULL FUCKING AUTO, BABY!"

Everyone runs for cover as the barely used, third rate character sprays lead everywhere.

Cammy bounces off of a wall and bellows, "REVERSE SHAFT BREAKER!" Flying off of the wall she kicks Stryker in the head, spinning him around. She does this three more times. Stryker falls to the ground, finger still clenching the trigger of his gun, out of bullets. She walks over to him and puts the heel of her boot on his head and then stomps down on it as hard as she can. SQUISHALITY!

*While Stryker was spraying wildly with his machine gun, a ricochet hit Alex in the head and dropped him dead. No one really cared, summarized by Ryu, "He was a decent character but a terrible attempt to replace Ken and I. No one will care." However, they still had to deal with Cammy. Rolento had taken a liking to Stryker, as he was similarly left unused by most players and had a bone to pick with the over used and cheap Cammy*

Round 9 Rolento vs. Cammy

"Alright, lets do this...bitch."

Rolento watches as the crazy she-devil rushes towards him and yanks a grenade off of his belt and lobs it down the hallway. Cammy pauses, and prepares to block.

For some reason, Jax starts laughing hysterically.

The grenade goes off and Rolento mutters, "Shit, she blocked but at least I'll get some chip damage..."

He is cut off when Cammy's terrible screams start pouring down the hallway.

Rolento, puzzled, inspects. "Holy shit! The thing blew her apart! Where is her arm? Shit, is that a leg over there? What fucking organs are hanging out of her stomach?! But, my grenades never do that shit!"

Jax walks over and effortlessly puts a bullet in her head to put her out of her misery shut her up, "You see Rolento, in the Mortal Kombat universe our designers love over the top Mature rated gore. Your grenades aren't just a silly projectile attack to pressure your opponent into a corner to get thrown. Those will actually work here..."

*Chun-Li vomits profusely at the sight of the obliterated Cammy. Ken cries for a few minutes, curled up in a fetal position, and rocking back and forth. Rolento just keeps looking at a grenade and blinking a lot. The Mortal Kombatants just keep on going.*

Round 10 Sub-Zero vs. Ken and Ryu

After slapping Ken and telling him to snap out of it repeatedly, Ryu is finally able to rally Ken. However, they realize the group has left them behind. They start to hurry when to catch up when they feel the hallway getting really cold...

"Which one of you fucktards killed Scorpion? I'm supposed to kill him!"

Ken and Ryu turn around just in time to dodge out of the way of what looks just like the ninja that Cody stabbed repeatedly, except blue. He was sliding on ice, how silly! Ryu gets into a combative stance when a blue streak strikes him. The next thing he knows, his feet are frozen to the ground!

"Ken, you're going to have to take this guy! I am frozen to the ground for some dumb ass reason. I will pressure him with hadoukens while I thaw!"

Ken whimpers a bit and then gets into position. The icey ninja comes sliding at Ken who responds with the Tornado Kick (yes, its technically Tornado Whirlwind Kick, but that is just stupid). The ninja crashes backwards and jumps to his feet. Only to get hit in the face with Ryu's hadouken. Ken rushes him and dodges another icey blast and hits him with a Shoryuken.

The ninja flies into the air and falls past the screen into a pit of spikes.

Ken looks on in awe, "Holy shit! Did you see that Ryu? I uppercut a dude into a pit of spikes! Fuckin-A!"

Ryu thaws his feet with a weak hadouken, "Yeah, yeah but you still can't beat Akuma on expert difficulty. What happened to you being a pussy a few minutes ago? Uppercut a guy into a pit of spikes and suddenly you're on top of the world. Jesus, lets go. I don't even know you anymore."

*Meanwhile...*

Round 11 Kitana vs. Vega

Heading up some stairs, Kitana was the first to step inside a large room with a large chandelier hanging on it. As soon as she stepped in, a heavy steel gate slammed shut.

"Shit! It was a trap!"

Suddenly a squirrely white dude with a claw strapped to one hand leaps from his hiding spot on the chandelier.

"My! What a beauty! I am sure your blood is quite delicious!"

Kitana, not one for small talk, flips out her two bladed fans and prepares for battle. As they exchange some kicks, punches, and draw a bit of blood from each other it becomes apparent that Kitana is at a disadvantage, "Oh fuck! Another character that can bounce off the walls and ceilings! That is our weakness! That is what killed Stryker...well that and he is retarded!"

As Kitana tries to fight back the deranged Spaniard, Raiden explains to the Street Fighters that Mortal Kombatants can only flip forward, backwards, and occasionally teleport. But never bounce off of the walls and ceiling! That is just unheard of!

Liu Kang tries to yell some enthusiastic words at Kitana, "Come on girl! You can do it, you crazy bitch!"

Kitana tries to throw her fan at the Spaniard but it is simply jumped over. He then kicks off of the ceiling and flies at Kitana, burying his claw into her chest.

Liu looks on in disgust, "...oh wait, no you can't."

Round 12 Vega vs. Raiden

Watching in horror as Kitana is gutted by the Spaniard, he decides to teleport into the arena and take him on.

Jax hollers, "Raiden, don't! You can't jump around like that, he'll kill you!"

Raiden looks back, "But...I can do this."

After this statement he does that crazy Superman dive across the screen and smashes the Spaniard into the wall and then holds down the button to use rage and unleashes and unholy combon on Vega. Vega's mask flies off and he starts yelling, "My face! Not my fucking pretty face! KEYARRRGH!!!"

As the Spaniard flees the scene (pressing a remote control button in his pocket to open the gates) Raiden chuckles, "What a fucking pansy boy!" And sends a bolt of lightning down the hall after him, but nothing is heard.

*Ryu and Ken catch up with the others and learn that the ninja they dispatched was named Sub-Zero, many jokes were made. They were surprised to learn that Vega managed to kill Kitana, considering he usually gets his ass handed to him by chicks in the anime and comic books. They head down the hallway that Vega had come from and find a long stairway, heading into the next level of the Evil Tower of Evil!*


Well, holy shit. I have been at this forever and it is long as shit. I will have to say that is it for Episode 1. Stay tuned for Episode 2. What happens when Cody meets fellow knife lover, Kano? What happens when Sonya Blade and Jax meet Sagat? What happens when Ken finally snaps because of all the bloodshed and death? Find out next time when I spend three hours typing out the most ridiculous shit you have ever read!