What The Hell Am I Good At? (Super powers)

While watching the morning news at work today, I learned that a Dutchman planst to break his own Ice Bath record. In case you are one of those adorable people that just can't put two and two together (well, what does Anti-Freeze do, now?), an Ice Bath is simply sitting your ass down in ice.

Ok, I can do that! I can fucking sit down, man up and take the cold! You may find yourself saying this, I mean who hasn't gotten stuck out in the cold as some point. However, the fifty-one year old Wim Hof's previous Ice Bath record is one hour and forty-six minutes. And it looked like this:

                                                 I taunt you with my tan coat

He is planning on adding an extra six minutes to his record on New Year's Eve. That is nearly two fucking hours of just, you know, hanging out in the fucking ice. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not making of fun of this guy. Far from it, I too wish that I could rock that steely gaze and Iceman as an official nickname (Do you know what you have to do for that kind of nickname? Do you? Just look up the kind of people with that nickname, I will wait...)

...continuing with our man here (now that you know how awesome of a nickname that is), he not only excels at hanging out with the ice, he is also incredible at running the fuck on and in it. Seeing as he is included in the Guinness World Records for the fastest half marathon in the snow or ice whilst barefoot (That's a fuck all of a record to think up, isn't it?). Not content with that, Hof decided to run a full marathon above the Polar Circle in Finland. He ran twenty-six miles and some change in five hours and twenty-five minutes, wearing nothing but shorts and sandals.  

For the sake of all that screws and shits, the man seriously attempted to climb Mt. I Kill A Lot Of People Everest wearing nothing but shorts. However, due to an injured foot, he wasn't able to finish this trek. Seeing as Everest just didn't want him fucking her like a prom date, he went to her sluttier sister; he climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in his shorts in just two days! I believe that we can safely deduce that Wim Hof is conquerer of ice and snow.

                                                   En route to fuck your mother

So, as I have said, I am not making fun of this dude. I think he is an ultimate bad ass and would never slander him (especially coming from someone who hasn't competed in any athletic competition in five years, starts whining about the cold in just a few minutes, and will probably be a rapidly fading duck of a man at his age). However, it got me thinking. How?

Who wakes up one morning and says, "Well fuck me loving Jesus! I love being cold. I love it so much, that I bet stupid people would pay me to subject myself to it!" How does one suddenly discover this super human like tolerance? I mean no offense to Mr. Hof, but why not...normal stuff? I know the obvious answer, 'Well if you were fucking invincible to cold, would you work a 9-5?" And fuck no, I wouldn't. I am not asking about now. I am asking about way the fuck back when the Iceman was just a wee lad. How did he think, 'I might be a fucking super hero...?'

Did our Wim Hof have to go through a series of tests. I see it now, Wim Hoff running around engulfed entireley in flames, "I AM NOT IMMUNE TO FIRE! I AM NOT IMMUNE TO FIRE!" Wim Hoff having to get skin grafts after dissolving the palm of his right hand in acid, 'ACID REALLY HURTS! ACID REALLY HURTS!" Wim Hoff wrapped in a full body cast after throwing himself from a cliff, "MY BONES DEFINITELY BREAK! MY BONES DEFINITELY BREAK!" Wim Hoff getting a bunch of stitches and blood transfusions after being mauled by a cougar, "I CAN'T TALK TO ANIMALS! I CAN'T TALK TO ANIMALS!" Then, finally, after years of pain and heart ache, a desperate Wim Hoff plunges himself into his father's ice fishing hole, "I AM VERY CO-ld. But..but it isn't that bad. In fact, this is awesome! THIS FUCKING ROCKS!" 

A hero is born.

A hero grows.

A hero sets records.

What the hell can I do? What the hell can you do? Do we all have the capacity to do something amazing? Is it possible that the real record is simply given to those that have the cajones to discover their secret power? Maybe it isn't just a lucky handful of people that can tell the cold to fuck off, ignore nearly any amount of pain, calculate shit faster than a calculator (google that one), lift an impossible amount of weight in proportion to the size of the person.

Or maybe I have just found something else to blame for my lack of fuck anything.

Then again, not all powers are created equally