First off, the things that send me off the handle are a bit odd. Mainly because I really am not too political nor religious. The religious thing is my own choosing. I refuse to blast people on their religion as long as they aren't rubbing it in my face, being extreme about it, representing Scientology, or knocking on my door. The political thing is just an embarrassing failure on my part. Thanks to general laziness and lack of interest over the course of my life, I now know fuck little in politics. So, the things that get me going are generally societal or just being a twat.
1. Not Believing In Favorites
Alright, so there is this thing that some people will do that they either think is cute or is a result of their mother drinking heavily while they were still chilling out in the womb. You ask them, "Hey, what is your favorite band or if that is too much then what is your favorite genre." Then something perplexing happens, it looks like you hit them with a fucking brick and told them to thank you. BE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING. Movies, books, music, make some shit up to sound politically in the know (I won't be able to fucking tell), just something! Now, I understand, as you get older you start becoming inundated with things that matter (i.e. kids, kicking your kids for being stupid, complaining about your kids, drinking because of your kids, running away from your kids) and music and movies start to fade to the way side. That is acceptable. I know that yelling at children is a full time thing and can respect you for it. However, if you are a twenty something with no responsibilities except stumbling through school, drinking through the weekends (and occasionally the weekdays), paying your first few big boy bills, and masturbating in public...I don't think its too far fetched to ask you to build some passion for something.
2. People Who's Definition Of Hip Is Getting Drunk At A College Bar And Fucking Like Heat Seeking Missile
Alright, this one certainly takes some explanation. See, I hate overly hip people (hipsters can make me want to fuck my disk drive out of pure hatred) and I hate people who's only knowledge of hip shit (I also fucking hate the word hip) is what is on the billboard top one hundred, what is currently in the Weird Shit Your Weird Friend Likes section of the Netflix Instant Demand, and whatever weird song that strange bearded man was finger banging you to last Friday. People tell me to socialize more and make more friends but its kind of hard to talk to people when they look at you like a horse looks at his rapist farmer on Moonshine Mondays when you talk about anything that isn't Nickleback or Generic Auto-Tuned Hip Hop Failure Number 76453 (seriously is there a factory where they fucking just shit those things out of? If so I'd like to take a drunken guided tour and cause some mayhem). Just learn about a few things! Just something you can name drop or at least listen to for more than ten fucking seconds when someone who isn't a cookie cutter copy of 'drunk frat guy I am going to fuck to death tonight' starts up a conversation.
3. People Who Look At Me Funny Or Your God Help Me, Try To Make Jokes About 40 Ouncers
Look, I get it. Hobos drink forties. I know, its shocking that someone else may have noticed this about the forty ounce. I can't really tell you where your sharp wit and jaw dropping observational skills went wrong. You know what else they like? Your girlfriend when you feed her too much Keystone Ice and forgot which curb you left her on because you just had to go fist pump with that totally cool bro you played, "Which of our dicks looks more like Mark Hamill," last week. Alright that was just one of the jokes that got me kicked out of a party last week (also, don't tell a dudes girlfriend that she has a moon face and then ask how much he has to drink to properly apply the paper bag and fuck it) when The Bus drank too much and just couldn't possibly take one more forty ounce joke. You know why I drink them? For the same fucking reason homeless people do. They are cheap, get you drunk, and actually taste better than the swill most college kids drink. So, it really isn't a joke. It is an observation. An observation that the homeless are actually more intelligent (when it comes to getting pant shitting drunk) than you, you fucking twat. This is also where my expression, "We're gonna get homeless drunk tonight!" comes from.
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