Great Ways To Piss Off Your Girlfriend and Others

Alright, so tonight I am taking a break from Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat, mainly because it is very long and no one really wants to read that (if you do...we should be best friends). Though, if you do enjoy it, fear not! For, I do indeed plan on finishing it. Possibly this weekend if I can get a hold of my roommate's computer long enough or next week when I return to work.

So, tonight I will bring something that is actually entertaining to the general population those that actually read my blog.

The Bus loves just a few things in this world: good beer, fast punk music, reasonably priced whiskey and scotch, a few good friends, my cat, and making awkward situations. I bring to you a few of my favorite ways to make things awkward and ensure that you remain forever and always single (trust me, I am really good at being single). Or I suppose if you aren't an asshole and have a really awesome girlfriend, you can always get her in on these and double the fun!

1.) Make it look like you just drugged a girl

Things needed:
A. 1 packet of sweet and low
B. Zip-lock baggie
C. Crowded bar
D. Prospective stranger
E. Date

Alright, so before you meet up with your date, empty the packet of Sweet and Low into the Zip-Lock baggie. Make sure to bring the empty packet with you! You might need this as an exit strategy. Head out to the bar/party and find a zozy seat next to some hapless dude. The next part requires some timing and there will be nights where you just can't make this work out. Three things have to time themselves perfectly (unless your date is in on it):

A.) Your date has to finish her drink
B.) She then needs to head to the bathroom. Tell her you will buy her another for when she returns.
C.) Make sure the stranger happens to be looking in your direction

Now, if you have gotten all of these to align perfectly (I call this the Asshole Astrological Alignment), casually as obviously as possibleempty the 'drugs' into her drink. When she returns, hand it off to her. Now, it is all up to the stranger and your ability to roll with the punches. There are several outcomes here, I will outline the two most likely:

1. The Hero

This is the funniest and hardest to deal with. The dude might decide to be a hero and make a scene, calling you out (hopefully not before she returns) and trying to give her a heads up. Now, you have two options (a lot more if you can get her in on the joke) which route you take entirely depends on how cool you think your date will be when you reveal the prank: drag it out and risk freaking out your date or drop the prank immediately. If you drag it you are gonna need some serious improv and this can be a really great oppurtunity for you if your date is in on it (for example try and make excuses and have her slap you ((take one for comedy, dammit)) and 'storm' out of the bar as you chase after her). If your date is not in on it, be careful! This can go from hilarious to arrested in a real hurry.

2. The Neutral Dude

If your mark does nothing, fear not! The joke isn't ruined. You now have a chance make even greater chaos. For instance, "Hey man, you see what I did there. This is so easy! You want...you want in on some of this later?" Roll with it! Really grind into this dude, I mean he did just watch you put drugs in a girls drink! The best though is if your girl is in on it. Get her to come up to the dude and put his ass on blast! Have her freak out saying shit like, "Dammit Rodney, I told you we don't have to do it that way. This is the third time this month. AND YOU! How can you just watch someone put shit in a girl's drink? Are you a rapist? Do you like rape? Huh? Huh? Do you?!"

No matter what happens, this is always sure to end in either hilarity, shame, guilt, awesomeness, arrest, a beating, or all of the above!

2.) Incest! Yay

This one is always hilarious and far more simple (and less risky) than the first one. All you need is a date that you can kiss without getting slapped, a crowded bar, and maybe a friend with a cellphone to capture the magical moment.

Alright, so head to the bar and get cozy with the mark. At some point let your friend know who the mark is so that he can try to get in a position to get the perfect picture. Ok, make sure that he knows what your date looks like and try not to be cozied up with her (again this can be easier if she is awesome and agrees to join in on the fun), just act friendly. After a while, ask her to pick a song out on the jukebox (but not loudly enough for the mark to hear) or some other excuse to draw her away from you. Now, ask the mark if he has seen where your cousin has gone. Hopefully he has figured out who she is and will hopefully point out where she rand off to. Go ahead and meet up with her, walk back to the mark (making sure he can see you two), and give her a nice kiss. Finally, check to see if your buddy got a decent picture of the dude's face as he watched you kiss your 'cousin.' Sometimes you can get some absolutely priceless snapshots.

For bonus points, go the extra mile (this will only work if your date is on the joke) and make casual conversation like, "I am so glad our family brought us together." Or even ask the mark in casual conversation, "Have you ever thought of diddling your cousin?" Make sure your buddy is getting shots of all of his reactions.


More coming in the future!
- The Bus