Street Fighter Vs. Mortal Kombat!!!
Story: Shit I don't know. This crap doesn't fucking matter. Uhhh Shao Kahn is wrecking all of existence (as usual) while Raiden and crew try to stop him they open a rift in reality that sucks in the Street Fighter crowd. Uhhh M. Bison discovers that if he takes over this reality thing he can control all of uhhhh reality? Sure, why the fuck not. Then, for some crazy fuck reason Kahn and Bison become friends (allies? butt buddies?) and join their forces to
Alright lets take a look at how this shit is going to go down...who is going to control all of fucked reality?
Characters:
Street Fighter
The Good
1. Ryu
2. Ken
3. Guile
4. Chun-Li
5. Sakura
6. Alex
7. Dan
8. Rolento
9. Cody
The Evil
1. Vega
2. Sagat
3. M. Bison
4. Balrog
5. Cammy (She isn't really evil anymore, but fuck it. Just say she is under mind control or some shit again)
6. Akuma
7. Twelve
Mortal Kombat
The Good
1. Liu Kang
2. Raiden
3. Jax
4. Johnny Cage
5. Sonya Blade
6. Kitana
7. Stryker
The Evil
1. Shang Tsung
2. Goro
3. Reptile
4. Scorpion
5. Sub-Zero
6. Kano
7. Shao Kahn
8. Baraka
9. Mileena
Alright, so I think that is a decent first draft for the character selection. Seeing as I still have nothing to do until 4:30am, I am going to quickly run through and see how I think these fights would go down...(GO NERDS!)
Round 1 Dan vs. Baraka
Dan is the first hapless soul to wander through the portal and is immediately confronted by some fucked up creature/man thing with sharp teeth and blades coming out of his forearms. Dan does his usual jackass thing, signs an autograph, and then throws a punch at the creature while yelling, "DAN IS THE FUCKING MAN!" Dan's punch hits Baraka like throwing a doughnut at Patrick Swayze. Not feeling the usual Street Fighter sympathy for Dan (you know, punch the living shit out of him and then leaving him bleeding on the curb), Baraka lops his sad little head off.
Round 2 Raiden vs. Baraka
Seeing his new friends' look of horror (and Cody's smile) at the ultra-violence of this new world, Raiden decides he will take care of this little nuisance for them. "Oh for FUCK'S SAKE! Baraka, that is not how you God damn say hello!" After finishing this statement he electrocutes the holy hell out of Baraka (his little forearm blades make great conductors). Baraka makes a crazy shrieking noise and runs at the Elder God. Raiden teleports behind him and grabs him in a chokehold, "You always were a retarded character..." At this, the god snaps his neck...FATALITY!
*At this point the Elder God explains to his new friends' the ultra-violence and brutality of his world, introduces him to the Kombat Krew, and points to the uhhh Evil Tower of Evil? Again, fuck, I don't know nor care. Its the damn the good fuckers need to go to kick the shit out of the evil fuckers...also, Baraka wasn't invited to the Evil Tower of Evil because he is a really shitty character*
Round 3 Ken vs. Scorpion
Approaching the front door (hey, gates and moats and all that evil fortress shit is expensive) of the Evil Tower of Evil the crowd notices a really outlandish ninja wearing yellow for some reason. Ken, puzzled as shit, asks, "Who the fuck is that? He is more ridiculous than Q fuck from Street Fighter Three! I want to kick his ass!" Liu Kang gorws concerned and warns, "Careful he is quite dangerous..." Ken doesn't let him finish and chooses to run straight at the ninja which for some reason yells, "GET OVER HERE!"
"Oh my God! Holy shit! What the fuck is wrong with you!?! You threw a fucking spear into my shoulder! Jesus shit!"
Round 3.5 Cody vs. Scorpion
Seeing his dumbass friend getting yanked by a chorded spear in the shoulder, and then pummeled repeatedly pissed Cody off. Sneaking up on Scorpion while he was juggling the ever living shit out of Ken using that Hell Raiser teleporting punch thing mixed with that teleporting uppercut (we have all pissed off a friend by doing that at least once), Cody picks up a rock that he found and throws it at Scorpion's head, "Hey, dipshit!" As soon as Scorpion turns around, Cody hits him with that weird tornado thing he has, tackles him, and then starts stabbing him mercilessly.
"Are you ok, Ken?"
"He fucking threw a spear into my fucking shoulder! What the hell was that all about?"
Round 4 Jax vs. Balrog
Having made it a bit farther into the Evil Fortress of Evil, the group stumbles upon the gym (so thats where the money for a scary moat and fancy gate went). Ryu gasps, "Oh shit, Balrog is here! He always tourbles me with his tricky charging attack and cheap over powered combos!" Jax pushes his way through and approaches Balrog, "I got this one."
Sakura thinks for a second and then blurts, "Don't go after him if he is backing up!"
Balrog says something that probably makes the developers look moderatley racist, as does Jax. Then they fight! Balrog bobs and weaves and trades a few blows. Balrog backs up and waits for Jax to come at him and then explodes with his charge punch thing and slams Jax straight in the gut. Suddenly, Jax remembers what that tiny Asian girl who shows her underwear way too much said.
Jax punches the ground to form a mini earthquake (because that makes sense) and makes Balrog stumble, lunges forward and grabs Balrog by the neck and begins to repeatedly pound his head with his free hand. Yelling with every bloody blow, "WHY...WOULD...YOU...WEAR...BOXING...GLOVES!!!"
*As Ryu and Ken watch Jax drop the bloodied, broken body of Balrog, they start chatting about how strong and crazy the Mortal Kombat dudes are and how they are going to have to step it up.*
Round 5 Mileena vs. Sakura
Getting a bit lost in the vast and maze like Evil Tower of Evil (their interior designer was drunk) the crew suddenly noticed someone sneaking around in the shadows. Suddenly two Sai come flying out of the shadows forcing Liu Kang to dodge out of the way, "Shit it's Mileena!"
Scratching his head, Rolento ventures, "...and who the fuck is that?"
Kitana explains, "She is my evil twin..."
Guile cuts her off, "Wow, your designers were even lazier than ours"
Sakura giggles but is cut off when a Sai buries itself into her gut, "Where...does...she pull those from...AAACKK!"
Ryu explodes with anger and launches a hadouken into the darkness...but no one is there!
"THAT BITCH CUNT, MOSTLY NAKED WHORE!"
*Chun-Li, Ken, and Alex assure Ryu that this game probably won't be canon and that she will be back in the next Street Fighter game, good as new. Finally accepting this, the group heads further into the fortress.*
Round 6 Johnny Cage vs. Twelve
Eventually, they find a door and are able to get to the next level. Holy shit! A temple type of stage! In the middle of the temple-ish place is a white, alien thing. As the Street Fighters try to explain that this is a dangerous opponent that can take the form of any fighter, Johnny Cage pushes his way through the crowd, "Fuck any fighter, I'll take him. That chick, Sakura, was hot and hopefully eighteen. My boner needs revenge."
Johnny runs at the creature/alien/sex criminal and Shadow Kicks it in the face and then hurls a Shadow Ball into its face, "Take that you ugly shit!" The Shadow Attacks have a bit of an effect on the creature, it pisses it off. Twelve turns into Guile and starts backing up...
"What are you? A fucking scaredey shapeshifting naked alien? The Martian Man Hunter has more game than you, and I kicked his ass!"
Guile suddenly yells, "No! Cage, if he is backing up like that he is going to..."
Guile is cut of though when the creature Guile launches a blinding fast Sonic Boom (he must have used fierce punch for the input command, cunning cunt) and knocks Johnny off of his feet. The creature now turns into Dhalsim and starts launching punches from across the
Finally reaching the creature Dhalsim, Johnny drops does the splits, "Now...for my finisher!" At this, Johnny hammers the creature in the balls...IT'S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE! (Oh, wrong game)
As the creature takes the form of Goro and lifts Johnny into the air, Johnny mutters, "He...has...no...balls..." And then is promptly ripped in half.
Round 7 Sonya Blade and Jax and Liu Kang vs. Twelve
The problem with killing someone with friends is that...well, they have fucking friends. The Street Fighters (and Twelve) quickly learned that the Mortal Kombatants not only are more violent but are also much dirtier fighters. No matter who Twelve turned into, there was nothing he could do agains the three. Liu Kang started by flying into his chest with that crazy bicycle kick he does, knocking twelve down. Jax leaped impossibly high into the air and smashed down on his chest a couple times. Sonya used that weird pink ring attack to blow him against a wall.
To finish him, Jax pulled out his sub-machine gun (do you remember how they gave him that special attack? that was weird), Kang prepared a fireball, and Sonya launched her kiss of death.
There was nothing left.
*Once again, the Street Fighters (minus Cody and Rolento) were quite shocked by how brutal the Mortal Kombat dudes could be and at how unfair they could fight (guns? three people on one? juggle attacks that didn't require ridiculous button imput and timing?)*
Round 8 Stryker vs. Cammy
After sending Cage off the proper way (Kang cremated him and Jax gave a 21 shot salute) and moving on, they then came across a caped character, shrouded in shadows. Stryker growing impatient at never getting used and only getting a quick shout-out in the second movie, rushes forward with his gun and flashbangs drawn, "GET...THE FUCK...OUTTA THE WAY!!!"
Suddenly, the cape is thrown off and a skinny blonde in red boots and a camo onesie leaps into the air. Stryker hollers and opens fire, "FULL FUCKING AUTO, BABY!"
Everyone runs for cover as the barely used, third rate character sprays lead everywhere.
Cammy bounces off of a wall and bellows, "REVERSE SHAFT BREAKER!" Flying off of the wall she kicks Stryker in the head, spinning him around. She does this three more times. Stryker falls to the ground, finger still clenching the trigger of his gun, out of bullets. She walks over to him and puts the heel of her boot on his head and then stomps down on it as hard as she can. SQUISHALITY!
*While Stryker was spraying wildly with his machine gun, a ricochet hit Alex in the head and dropped him dead. No one really cared, summarized by Ryu, "He was a decent character but a terrible attempt to replace Ken and I. No one will care." However, they still had to deal with Cammy. Rolento had taken a liking to Stryker, as he was similarly left unused by most players and had a bone to pick with the over used and cheap Cammy*
Round 9 Rolento vs. Cammy
"Alright, lets do this...bitch."
Rolento watches as the crazy she-devil rushes towards him and yanks a grenade off of his belt and lobs it down the hallway. Cammy pauses, and prepares to block.
For some reason, Jax starts laughing hysterically.
The grenade goes off and Rolento mutters, "Shit, she blocked but at least I'll get some chip damage..."
He is cut off when Cammy's terrible screams start pouring down the hallway.
Rolento, puzzled, inspects. "Holy shit! The thing blew her apart! Where is her arm? Shit, is that a leg over there? What fucking organs are hanging out of her stomach?! But, my grenades never do that shit!"
Jax walks over and effortlessly puts a bullet in her head to
*Chun-Li vomits profusely at the sight of the obliterated Cammy. Ken cries for a few minutes, curled up in a fetal position, and rocking back and forth. Rolento just keeps looking at a grenade and blinking a lot. The Mortal Kombatants just keep on going.*
Round 10 Sub-Zero vs. Ken and Ryu
After slapping Ken and telling him to snap out of it repeatedly, Ryu is finally able to rally Ken. However, they realize the group has left them behind. They start to hurry when to catch up when they feel the hallway getting really cold...
"Which one of you fucktards killed Scorpion? I'm supposed to kill him!"
Ken and Ryu turn around just in time to dodge out of the way of what looks just like the ninja that Cody stabbed repeatedly, except blue. He was sliding on ice, how silly! Ryu gets into a combative stance when a blue streak strikes him. The next thing he knows, his feet are frozen to the ground!
"Ken, you're going to have to take this guy! I am frozen to the ground for some dumb ass reason. I will pressure him with hadoukens while I thaw!"
Ken whimpers a bit and then gets into position. The icey ninja comes sliding at Ken who responds with the Tornado Kick (yes, its technically Tornado Whirlwind Kick, but that is just stupid). The ninja crashes backwards and jumps to his feet. Only to get hit in the face with Ryu's hadouken. Ken rushes him and dodges another icey blast and hits him with a Shoryuken.
The ninja flies into the air and falls past the screen into a pit of spikes.
Ken looks on in awe, "Holy shit! Did you see that Ryu? I uppercut a dude into a pit of spikes! Fuckin-A!"
Ryu thaws his feet with a weak hadouken, "Yeah, yeah but you still can't beat Akuma on expert difficulty. What happened to you being a pussy a few minutes ago? Uppercut a guy into a pit of spikes and suddenly you're on top of the world. Jesus, lets go. I don't even know you anymore."
*Meanwhile...*
Round 11 Kitana vs. Vega
Heading up some stairs, Kitana was the first to step inside a large room with a large chandelier hanging on it. As soon as she stepped in, a heavy steel gate slammed shut.
"Shit! It was a trap!"
Suddenly a squirrely white dude with a claw strapped to one hand leaps from his hiding spot on the chandelier.
"My! What a beauty! I am sure your blood is quite delicious!"
Kitana, not one for small talk, flips out her two bladed fans and prepares for battle. As they exchange some kicks, punches, and draw a bit of blood from each other it becomes apparent that Kitana is at a disadvantage, "Oh fuck! Another character that can bounce off the walls and ceilings! That is our weakness! That is what killed Stryker...well that and he is retarded!"
As Kitana tries to fight back the deranged Spaniard, Raiden explains to the Street Fighters that Mortal Kombatants can only flip forward, backwards, and occasionally teleport. But never bounce off of the walls and ceiling! That is just unheard of!
Liu Kang tries to yell some enthusiastic words at Kitana, "Come on girl! You can do it, you crazy bitch!"
Kitana tries to throw her fan at the Spaniard but it is simply jumped over. He then kicks off of the ceiling and flies at Kitana, burying his claw into her chest.
Liu looks on in disgust, "...oh wait, no you can't."
Round 12 Vega vs. Raiden
Watching in horror as Kitana is gutted by the Spaniard, he decides to teleport into the arena and take him on.
Jax hollers, "Raiden, don't! You can't jump around like that, he'll kill you!"
Raiden looks back, "But...I can do this."
After this statement he does that crazy Superman dive across the screen and smashes the Spaniard into the wall and then holds down the button to use rage and unleashes and unholy combon on Vega. Vega's mask flies off and he starts yelling, "My face! Not my fucking pretty face! KEYARRRGH!!!"
As the Spaniard flees the scene (pressing a remote control button in his pocket to open the gates) Raiden chuckles, "What a fucking pansy boy!" And sends a bolt of lightning down the hall after him, but nothing is heard.
*Ryu and Ken catch up with the others and learn that the ninja they dispatched was named Sub-Zero, many jokes were made. They were surprised to learn that Vega managed to kill Kitana, considering he usually gets his ass handed to him by chicks in the anime and comic books. They head down the hallway that Vega had come from and find a long stairway, heading into the next level of the Evil Tower of Evil!*
Well, holy shit. I have been at this forever and it is long as shit. I will have to say that is it for Episode 1. Stay tuned for Episode 2. What happens when Cody meets fellow knife lover, Kano? What happens when Sonya Blade and Jax meet Sagat? What happens when Ken finally snaps because of all the bloodshed and death? Find out next time when I spend three hours typing out the most ridiculous shit you have ever read!
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