An Ode to One Liners - We (I) Salute You

Oh the one liner, prevalent in any 80s action flick worth its nuts has since died and passed on. Unless of course you pretend that Vin Diesel is an actor or you make yourself feel better at night by watching Nicholas Cage forage for his acting career like a squirrel trying to figure out where he buried his acorns after drinking Brandy and punching his wife all winter.

So, here I am going give a little overview and memorial to the greatest one liner champion, Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. To make this simple (I could reference one liners enough to fill a graduate level essay) I will just pick some of my favorite movies and shine a light on my favorite lines dropped by the Governator and a little probing into what the writer may have been thinking when he shat out these winners.

1982 Conan the Barbarian

I will start where my memory is the foggiest. I haven't seen this movie for a long ass time because, well...it sucks. If for some reason you haven't seen this one its the one with Arnold wearing a diaper made out of animal skin and swinging a giant ass sword. Apparently its about a slave kid who ends up trained in the art of war, joins some thieves, and tries to solve the riddle of steel. No, I am not trying to be poetic, that is actually what it is about...yes, riddle of steel. Oh and Arnold fights a bunch of dudes in the middle of a cannibal orgy, that was pretty awesome.

Anyways, the only real line I remember from seeing this last was when some priestess (or a hooker, I don't know) was doing that thing in every 80s action movie where the hero is a sack of shit and needs a mystical person/hooker/Michael Caine to show them their inner strength. When she asks, "What do you see?" Arnold can think of absolutely nothing better than this insightful poem, "Uhhh....infinity."

Yes, infinity. That is all you can damn see, Arnold. I mean don't talk about all the spiritual shit that is going on, all the shit you have gone through, or all the people you have killed. Maybe the writer just figured, "Fuck it, this guy has seen enough. All he sees now is...........infinity." Then the drunk director jumped up, knocking his chair back in a dramatic fashion, and broke into tears, "That...that is just....beautiful!"

(1984) The Terminator

Alright, alright my memory on Conan was really fuzzy and I need to revist it. I apologize. But, here is one that I actually know quite well. as it is one of my (and a fuck ton of other people's) all time favorites. I really don't even need to talk about some of the great lines that came out of this, considering they single-handedly shaped an entire generation's lingo. So, I will try and think of a couple that aren't as fondly remembered...

A personal favorite that I have tried to bring up with a few friends to literally zero response is when the Terminator's damaged skin is rotting to all fuck and the cleaning dude asks him if he's got a dead cat on him. It switches to the kick ass 'Terminator Vision' and shows his possible responses, stuff like: Yes/No, Come Back Later, Or What?, aaaannndd....FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE. Which one does Arnold pick? Of course he drops, "Fuck you, asshole," on the poor janitor.

I admit I really love this one because of how much I love swearing (haven't you noticed?) but really, if you watch a bunch of 80s action movies the heroes/villains only really cuss when its time to wheel out the one liner. Here though, they kind of screwed up the formula. A one liner is supposed to be witty (well witty as in an autistic third grader witty) and campy as shit. Throw a heavy swear word at the end and BAM, you have an 80s one liner. Here though, its just something we have all said to somebody (and depending on how much you drink: maybe a lot of people) and delivered in the vane of a one liner. In short, this is a good one because it is a terrible example of a one liner.

An example of the classic one liner formula is Sarah Connor when she says, "You're terminated, fucker!" See, take some third grade autism wit (teehee he is the terminator and he is terminated!) and then throw in a heavy swear word, classic!

(1985) Commando

Ok, so far this isn't going so well. I had to start with a movie I hadn't seen in a long time and then had to move onto one that everyone knows like the backside of their dick. So cut me some slack. Especially since I am onto Commando now, which happens to be one of my all time favorites.

If you haven't seen it Commando is the classic formula of: (A) Retired badass super solider + (B) kidnapped friend/family/pet(?) + (C) REVENGE! KILL! DESTROY!. In this case Arnold plays the kidnapped daughter of Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby dawns his pattened 44....No I am kidding. Arnold's daughter gets kidnapped and he has to whoop ten kinds of ass dropping one liners left and right (and occasionally right at your mother).

•  Arnold kills someone with a pipe, "Let of some steam, Benny."
• "I eat Green Berets for breakfast! And right now...I am very hungry!"
• Arnold kills a man on a plane, "Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired."
• Someone asks what happened to a dude, whom Arnold has dropped off of a cliff. Arnolds reply, "I let him go."
• Arnold tries to start a plane, "Come on you piece of shit, fly or die!" Suddenly, the thing starts up, "Works every time."
• The chick of the movie tells him that his plane is just a canoe with a wings. Arnold's response? "Well then get in and start paddling."

Seriously, if you got a nickel for everytime Arnold dropped a one liner, well you would probably have enough to get a couple burgers at McDonald's. If you haven't seen this one (or Your Respective God help you, have never seen it) check it out again...in memory of the one liners!

Alright, alright I will give you a break...for now. Look for part two to this little rant (probably in the next few days or so) where I finish off Arnold's rocking run as the action man of the 80s. Actually shit, it might take me a part three and four to do that! Either way, keep checking in for more of this and other mundane bullshit I take pride in!

- The Bus