Alright, so superheroes kick ass and I love comic books to death. I would love nothing more than being a superhero and kicking ass. But you know what wouldn't be cool? Fucking living as an average Joe among these bastards. I mean buildings getting blown up by The Green Goblin, random gun fights in the streets thanks to The Punisher, and forget getting some bar money from the bank when Mr. Fear is knocking over the bank! Here are five of my reasons I think living anywhere (except maybe Genosha...nothing happens there anymore) in the Marvel Universe.
1. Just getting to work is a pain in the ass.
Sure, when The Rhino plows through rush hour traffic, or The Brotherhood of Mutants is wreaking havoc on some bank or other government installation, or Loki is being a dick or doing whatever the fuck Loki does the hero always ends up saving everyone of the hapless citizens caught in the blast (unless of course you are the New Mutants and really suck at your job *cough* Civil War is all your fault *cough*). But that doesn't mean our day is any less ruined. I mean a lot of managers will barely excuse any lateness/absence short of 'Bad Case of Entire Family Murdered By Wolves', let alone having a near death experience with a super villain. Especially since this shit happens fucking daily! I mean, have you ever read a comic called, 'Spider-Man Sips Coffee With Aunt May'? Fuck no you haven't! (Well maybe, the 60s were a strange, strange time for comics). Every damn issue has something tearing ass through New York City to such a regularity that the citizens might even get a sense of schedule to the damn events. Hell, here is an idea villains: send a damn mailer! For instance, "Attention, meat bag citizen! I, Norman Osborn, am feeling batshit insane...again. (surprise!) If you are part of the 9 to 5 crowd, I would recommend either staying late or asking the day off on the 17th of May. Oh, and I wouldn't drive on the bridges on the 19th (tee hee!)."
2. Lots and lots of therapy
Modern humans are a bunch of sniveling pussies. We used to have a war every other Thursday, a plague every other Monday, and a dead family member thanks to Cholera every other month. Things didn't used to bother us so much. Now a days, a janitor could have to clean a toilet used by Peter Jackson and need three months of therapy. For fuck's sake, we have therapy for people who like sex too much! Now a days, you can't poke someone with a pillow without dooming that poor bastard to years of therapy. You really think the seventy year old that is thrown out of a thirty story sky scraper, falls eighteen of them, and then is caught at the last second by Spider-Man/Rogue/Iron Man is just gonna get set down and be like, "Thanks super dude! I feel great." No, that person is going to be waking up from nightmares of falling for years to come! That's nothing compared to the hundreds of hostage situations that take place every month in the Marvel Universe. I mean, shit, a hostage situation in our world is some serious shit. That really fucks with people's psyche. But imagine getting held hostage by a guy who can throw a car farther than you can throw a football, imagine getting kidnapped and held hostage by someone who can pull blades out of their body, and shit just think of watching as everyone you ever loved is eaten by Venom!
3. An even more frustrating dating pool
Finding a decent partner in our world is stressful enough. I mean imagine you are like me (I know its scary): you can't really play an instrument, sports were never your strong point, you are of average height and build, and you write blogs about why it would suck to live in the Marvel Universe. In other words, you're fucked (metaphorically not literally). Average Joe's like me always lose out because the shit we are good at isn't as readily apparent as the other dudes. Now imagine you're growing up in the Marvel Universe, now you're throwing people with fucking super powers into the mix! Now you're really fucked (still metaphorically). You may be saying, "But, there really isn't that many of the bastards running around." No, you are right. There aren't a lot of the big ones running around. But there are hundreds of lesser, but still super powered, dudes and dudettes (yes girls you also get shafted to super powered chicks) running around. I mean think of the flow of attraction here: if she isn't picked up by Ted in accounting who just discovered he can manipulate matter, if she isn't picked up by Randy in management who has a cool folk band, if she isn't picked up by Joseph who is past his time but still trying to play football and doing well at tricking her other wise, and so on and so on....you are left with Two Ton Tina who's only power is making sure no one else in the office knows what the brownies taste like. NO ONE!
4. Everything is expensive
Let me ask you, "If you are a delivery driver...are you going to happily deliver your shipment to a city that is regularly getting fuckered by a super villain?" Let me ask you, "If you are a bank guard...are you going to continue guarding that bank, which is attacked every other day, on your current pay?" If you answered yes, you are probably a villain in disguise. No one is going to keep doing what they are doing on their current pay when at any moment, everything can go shit wrecked to a level that Kevin Costner's acting career couldn't even comprehend. I can't believe that the real estate market, construction companies, and banking industries are any better than completely in a shambles. The only people rental agencies will take a risk on when renting an apartment (because you know that's going to get fucked by a thrown truck or something in a month) are the people that can pay for that shit. You think things are expensive now? Try living somewhere where money has to be spent daily on the shit that the heroes and villains wreck.
5. The heroes are fucking dicks
Alright, so you got fired because Magneto, for the third time, decided to lob your car at the X-men, you haven't seen your sister in five months thanks to Dr. Octopus tossing trying to use her as shield against Spider-Man and securing her a place in the intensive therapy, your girlfriend left you for Elijah Bradley (The Patriot), and there is a $9.50 bank fee when you withdraw twenty bucks to wash away your depression in cheap grain alcohol. But hey, at least you live in a world that has mother-fucking super heroes running around and wooping ass, right?! I mean that has to be even more kick ass than getting a hand job from Rosario Dawson while listening to Rush and shooting a fully automatic rifle all at once, right? FUCK NO. These guys are dicks. The Punisher is never going to apologize for all the dead goons lining the hallways of your apartment complex, Rogue isn't going to apologize for catching your car (which was thrown by Magneto and got you fired) and using it to club the Juggernaut, and Spider-Man isn't going to issue a public statement for all the people that died when Carnage broke out again. They just kick ass, break your shit, terrorize your loved ones, and hope not too many people died. I mean shit, I don't even think they apologized for the whole Civil War thing. Fuck this I am moving to Gotham City.
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