Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat Ohhhhh Shit Part 4

Alright, so I had no clue that this would take eighteen damn days to finish, but (if you are one of the two people who actually read the other three) it is finally done! If you really did read all of these, I do appreciate it. Ok, lets get this the hell over with!


Edit: I am really fucking lazy and it still isn't done. Deal with it.

Street Fighter
Ryu
Ken
Guile (Traumatized by Mileena's hideous visage, he threw himself down a bunch of stairs)
Chun-Li
Sakura (Sai to the gut)
Alex (Shot by a moronic Stryker on accident)
Dan (Killed by Baraka immediately after stepping into the MK universe)
Rolento (Blown up by his own grenade when his arm was melted by Reptile)
Cody (Was totally fuckered by Kano's laser eye)

Vega (Was apparently dispatched by Mileena for being useless)
Sagat (Beaten to death by Jax after a viscious fight)
M. Bison
Balrog (Beaten to death by Jax while being made fun of for wearing his boxing gloves)
Cammy (Blown the fuck up by one of Rolento's grenades)
Akuma
Twelve (Triple teamed by Sonya, Jax, and Liu Kang)

Mortal Kombat

Liu Kang
Raiden
Jax (Beaten and battered, he succumbs to exhaustion after his fight with Sagat)
Johnny Cage (torn in half ((again)) by ((Twelve morphing into)) Goro)
Sonya Blade
Kitana (Skewered by Vega, taking advantage of Mortal Kombatants lack of mobility)
Stryker (Put out of his sad little existence by Cammy)

Shang Tsung
Goro (Machine gunned by Ken, who has lost all grip on reality)
Reptile
Scorpion (Stabbed to death by Cody)
Sub-Zero (Shoryuken'd into a pit of spikes)
Kano (Stabbed by Cody)
Shao Kahn
Baraka (Killed by Raiden for being a stupid character)
Mileena (Beaten down by a pissed of Chun-Li)
The heroes, recovering from the shock of losing Rolento and Jax (and also having to deal with Ken who is just not entirely there anymore) are trying to decide who is going to take Rolento's place and deal with Reptile

Round 19 Ryu vs. Shang Tsung

Ryu looks his opponent in the eyes, "Ok, I have seen just about everything from you guys. From a ninja that can launch spears out of his wrist, an identical ninja...except he was blue...that could shoot ice out of his hands...I mean, FUCK! That doesn't even make sense! Do his hands shoot water and then magically change the atmosphere around the water that he shot out? How the fuck does that work! Not to mention, you drove my best friend insane! We are strictly non-violent and now he is shooting people with a mutha fuckin' shotgun! I am ready to get all sorts of the fuck out of here!"

Ryu rushes forward, pressuring with Hadoukens and flying kicks. Hoping he either stun his opponent or get him in a corner and throw him.

Shang Tsung proves himself mostly worthy of fighting the legendary Ryu. His fireballs are just as easy to pull off and just as damn annoying. So, it was pretty much a fight of who could pressure who.

After literally doing nothing but tossing fireballs at each other for ten minutes, Ryu changed up the game. He used his Spinning Whirlwind Kick. Shang Tsung didn't have an answer for this. However, he did have one trick up his sleeve: in a puff of smoke and a flash...RYU WAS FIGHTING RYU (anyone else remember when Shang Tsung could transform into his opponent?)!!!

*Insert record scratching sound effect*

Ryu shouts, "Wait, wait...so you have the ability to transform into your opponent?!"

"Yes, you see mere mortal..."

"No drop that crap, let me hit you with some logic."

"Uh...ok..."

"If you transform into your opponent, you have access to all of their moves...right?"

"Well, yes. That is the point. A fighter may be able to fight anyone...but can he fight himself?!"

"Ok, I can see where that might be useful. But wouldn't you have to know your opponents move set to make any use of turning into that character?"

"Oh fuck"

The ensuing fight was one of such a single handed beatdown that you could almost feel bad for Shang Tsung (but no one will because he was immune to sweep attacks and Sub-Zero's slide in the first Mortal Kombat and that was the biggest pile of bullshit. Ever). It consisted entirely of Ryu mashing Shang Tsung with his specials and Hyper Combos while Shang Tsung whined, "Tell me how to do the Hadouken! This isn't fair! I don't know the moves! You're so cheap!"

Logicality!

*Ryu came rejoined the group and learned of the demise of Jax and Rolento. When he inquired as to who had replaced Rolento and dealt with Reptile, he learned that once again...Ken had 'taken' care of it. They all decided that it was time to finish this and that they would find some counseling for Machine Gun Ken when they got home*

*With all the switches pulled they moved into the next chamber. A huge room that had no other doors. Everyone mumbled something about this having to be the end...*

Four Things Found On Google Image Search That Broke the Logic Button

Once again, I am bored at work and decided to dig around for some future tattoo ideas on Google image search (I still like to believe that someday I will again have the money for tattoos) and was immediately reminded on how insane Google image searches can get. So, seeing as I still haven't gotten around to a conclusion to Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat, I have decided to share five four (I got lazy, dammit) of them with you. JOY!

1. Apparently scienceblogs.com is the last fucking place to find science

Alright, so I decided by googling Edgar Allen Poe's Black Cat (I have Nevermore on my chest shaped into a raven and would like some other Poe related art to compliment it) and quickly realized I was going to get jack shit on the subject. Inspired by the lack of, well...anything, I decided to try a simple search for 'cat'.

Right there on Page 1 was a link to an image from Science Blog entitled, 'Cat Personality Test'.

Science!

Now, I have no idea what Science Blog is all about, whether it is a serious scientific blog or if it is filled with dick jokes and half hearted science jokes. However, with the name 'Science Blog' you would think it would have some science. Now, it took me a long time to pass math and I took maybe three science classes. However, I am sure that attaching buttered toast to my cat, tilting it, and then studying its...relationship to, F(?) is going to only result in one personality determined: a very confused fucking cat.

2. Say YES to NO or Say No to Yes Fuck It

I remembered from a while back that sometimes, the best image searches are the simplest searches. For this round I simply typed in 'no'. What came back were a few funny pictures featuring the word no and a few that just had the classic sign for 'no'. And then...

Maybe?

I tried really hard to figure out what this truly means and what situation it might be useful. I guess on the surface it is simple: you are not allowed to say, "Yes." But think about it, when could this ever apply? What if I asked you if you were allowed to say no? What the fuck would you say then, punk ass? Affirmative? Ok so I suppose you can use this sign to enfore an affirmative enviro...DID I JUST STUMBLE UPON THE NEW EMBLEM FOR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION?!?!

No, no I didn't because that would be fucking retarded.

3. Just chilling in the coolest fucking boat ever

A classic run to the ground meme (for the two-three of you reading this that don't know meme, just think LOL Cats) is The Fail Boat. So, I decided to check into this unending internet funny and see if there were any updates. Nope, just the same old shit and HOLY HELL COOLEST BOAT EVER

 If it doesn't actually play, I swear...

That is the greatest thing ever! Driving (do you drive a boat? ride? I don't know, I'm poor) this thing will instantly make every man want to beat you mercilessly with raging jealousy, small children cry because they know their parents will never love them enough to allow them to grow up and own a guitar boat, and women drown their boyfriend to be with you. Hell, if it had the power to inspire Michael Bay to give up on the Transformer's shit and find a new toy to fuck with, I might worship the almighty Guitar Boat.

The only failing is he totally whiffed on the name. Totally should have named it the S.S. Fuck You, I Have A Guitar Boat. Though I ssuppose that may have been too long. Maybe, S.S. Guitoat. HELL YEAH, MUH FUCKIN' GUITOAT!

4. And then no one thought about Google the same, ever again

Alright, for number four, I decided to Google Google. Yeah, call me lazy but I wanted to see what happened when you forced the site to look into itself for...itself. Nothing too surprising until like page two or some shit when you discover that Google is now working on being...sexy?

How many 'I'm feeling lucky' jokes can she take?

What the hell, Google? Why would you lie? It is never, ever going to be a decent looking lady person wearing this shit! Get some IT guy wearing one stained with Dorito dust and holding a massive Slurpee. I mean, I understand the whole, "But we need people to buy these, not burn them and denounce them as Fucktits!"  But, but...come on! This is just ridiculous!

Just wait until tomorrow afternoon when I see some chick walking around wearing one of these and I have to come back to this blog and edit punch it.

Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat Ohhhh Shit Part 3

Alright, so this has taken me longer than I had expected...but it is nearly there. All last week I was just too damn lazy, seeing as how ridiculous this whole thing is and this weekend I was....well I was just too damn drunk. Oh and a quick summary of Riot Fest in Chicago:



...so yeah, I have been busy. Alright, without further ado, let us see who is left kicking:

Street FighterRyu
Ken
Guile (Traumatized by Mileena's hideous visage, he threw himself down a bunch of stairs)
Chun-Li
Sakura (Sai to the gut)
Alex (Shot by a moronic Stryker on accident)
Dan (Killed by Baraka immediately after stepping into the MK universe)
Rolento
Cody (Was totally fuckered by Kano's laser eye)

Vega (Was apparently dispatched by Mileena for being useless)
Sagat
M. Bison
Balrog (Beaten to death by Jax while being made fun of for wearing his boxing gloves)
Cammy (Blown the fuck up by one of Rolento's grenades)
Akuma
Twelve (Triple teamed by Sonya, Jax, and Liu Kang)

Mortal Kombat

Liu Kang
Raiden
Jax
Johnny Cage (torn in half ((again)) by ((Twelve morphing into)) Goro)
Sonya Blade
Kitana (Skewered by Vega, taking advantage of Mortal Kombatants lack of mobility)
Stryker (Put out of his sad little existence by Cammy)

Shang Tsung
Goro
Reptile
Scorpion (Stabbed to death by Cody)
Sub-Zero (Shoryuken'd into a pit of spikes)
Kano (Stabbed by Cody)
Shao Kahn
Baraka (Killed by Raiden for being a stupid character)
Mileena (Beaten down by a pissed of Chun-Li)

The heroes continue their way through the massive fortress and eventually come to a large room with two doors on each side, and a massive door right across from where they entered. Suddenly, a large screen came down and flashed on. M.Bison's massive head suddenly popped onto the screen, "Greetings! I see you have made it this far in stopping whatever evil bullshit I am up to this time. I am impressed! You have killed a decent number of our fearsome little gathering. However, I see you too have had some losses! So here is your next test! One of you will enter one of the four doors on your left and right, only one! The challenge won't begin if more than one enters! THEN, that chosen fighter will face one of our strongest warriors. If you are victorious, there will be a switch in the room that once flipped, will allow the fighter to leave the room. AND that big door that leads you closer to Mr. Kahn and myself, will only open if you flipped ALL OF THE SWITCHES! BAHAHAHAHAHA"

Suddenly the screen switched off and rose into the cieling and all four of the doors swung open.

Rolento stretched and boasted, "I have been bored ever since I blew Cammy to hell, I'll take one of the doors."

Jax nods, "I am with the dude chucking grenades. I am ready to get this over with."

Ryu takes a long pull from his flask, burps, and says, "The Mortal Kombat dudes have been really fucking tough. Ken and I need to challenge ourselves to become stronger! This will be a perfect chance. We'll both take a door."

Ken jumps up from the ground, "Whoa man, fuck that! The first dude threw a fucking spear through my shoulder and then there was that dude that could freeze shit. I mean did you see what they did to Dan? I am all about finding out how strong I am, but only when the only real negative thing that can go wrong is getting my ass kicked. But no, fuck this. These people are just straight killing us!"

Ryu, looks astonished, "Ken...I didn't know you were such a pussy! Alright, what if Jax gives you his machine gun? Would that make you feel better?"

As Jax slings the gun off of his shoulder, Ken smiles wide, "Now that is what I am God damn talking about!"

*So it is settled! Jax and Rolento are heading to the left two doors while Ryu and Machine Gun Ken (totally going to be an unlockable character) are heading to the right two doors.*

Round 16 Rolento vs. Reptile

Rolento enters the room with his baton in one hand and grenade in the other. He jumps as the door slams behind him. However, he sees the switch right across the room.

That was fucking easy. What, did they drink too much carpet cleaner and forget to put a dude in here?

As he approaches the switch, he is quite surprised when something smashes into his back and sensds him tumbling, "What...the...FUCK!"

There is no one here! What was,,,

His cute little internal dialogue was cut short when he started getting hit repeatedly by an invisible force. Freaking out, Rolento begins swinging wildy with his baton until he hits something. Suddenly, a man appears. Looking exactly like the ninja that could throw spears from his wrists, except this one had a green and black ninja suit.

Rolento pulls the pin from his grenade and cocks his arm back, "Fuck...this!"

Before he throws it, the creature spits at him. The hawker hits him right in the elbow..."JESUS FUCK TITS! THAT SHIT IS MELTING RIGHT THROUGH MY ARM!"

"BALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!!!!!!!!!!" and then a muffled explosion were the only things the waiting warriors heard before the door opened.

Round 17 Jax vs. Sagat

Jax walked into his room and saw the towering, scarred man he was to face.

"My name is Sagat, and I am the single greatest Muay Thai fighter the world has ever seen. Also, I am extremely cheap, easy to use, and great for pissing off your friends. Prepare to die."

The fight didn't start well for Jax, Of course Sagat started by barraging him with various type of Tiger Claws, occasionally allowing Jax to get close enough to hit with a fierce punch to low kick to Tiger Uppercut.

Jax smacked against the wall, shit this guy is cheap! If I keep my distance its just endless Tiger Claws! If I try to jump he has two fucking anti-airs! If I bring it in close he has range, power, and fucking priority! I am just straight getting my ass kicked.

Finally Jax remembered his ground pound! I can be cheap too, mother fucker! I will do my ground pound and then jump forward. The pound should keep him off balance long enough for me to clear the distance.

The fight then just got retarded, both fighters spammed every single special move they had until they had spammed each other to beaten and battered state. Once here they gave up on the spamming and actually traded blows. Sagat's fast knees and stupidly useful fierce punch put Jax on the ropes.

"You did well, Mortal Kombatant. What is your name? So I may tell of your strong will..."

Jax cut him off by swallowing all of his energy to grab Sagat by the throat and start smashing him in the face as many times has he could and then throwing him across the room, "Wish...I would have had my damn...gun."

Jax stumbled to the switch and pulled it, just as he collapsed against the wall.

Round 18 Machine Gun Ken vs. Goro

Ken stepped into the dark room and stared in terror at the four armed beast that lumbered out of the shadows. Goro roars something at Ken and starts running start at him.

Ken shoulders the Machine Gun, "See...Ryu. Shit like this thing that is running straight at me is exactly what I was fucking talking about."

Ken opens fire, full auto, he can't help but laugh. He laughs and laughs as the giant creature tries to block the bullets. He laughs and laughs at how the bullet make the giant creature jump and dance. He laughs and laughs as the bullets completely tear off one of the creature's arms. He laughs and laughs until all the bullets are gone.

The other fighters will note that Ken came out of his challenge room with a massive smile and a noticeable erection. Things were never quite the same.


Three of the switches have been pulled! Who will face the fearsome Reptile? Will Jax recover from his intense fight with Sagat? What about Sagat, have we seen the end of him? Which mental institution will they need to take Ken to when this is all over? Find out in the exciting finale, to the biggest pile of you have (for some reason continued to) read!!!

Great Ways To Piss Off Your Girlfriend and Others

Alright, so tonight I am taking a break from Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat, mainly because it is very long and no one really wants to read that (if you do...we should be best friends). Though, if you do enjoy it, fear not! For, I do indeed plan on finishing it. Possibly this weekend if I can get a hold of my roommate's computer long enough or next week when I return to work.

So, tonight I will bring something that is actually entertaining to the general population those that actually read my blog.

The Bus loves just a few things in this world: good beer, fast punk music, reasonably priced whiskey and scotch, a few good friends, my cat, and making awkward situations. I bring to you a few of my favorite ways to make things awkward and ensure that you remain forever and always single (trust me, I am really good at being single). Or I suppose if you aren't an asshole and have a really awesome girlfriend, you can always get her in on these and double the fun!

1.) Make it look like you just drugged a girl

Things needed:
A. 1 packet of sweet and low
B. Zip-lock baggie
C. Crowded bar
D. Prospective stranger
E. Date

Alright, so before you meet up with your date, empty the packet of Sweet and Low into the Zip-Lock baggie. Make sure to bring the empty packet with you! You might need this as an exit strategy. Head out to the bar/party and find a zozy seat next to some hapless dude. The next part requires some timing and there will be nights where you just can't make this work out. Three things have to time themselves perfectly (unless your date is in on it):

A.) Your date has to finish her drink
B.) She then needs to head to the bathroom. Tell her you will buy her another for when she returns.
C.) Make sure the stranger happens to be looking in your direction

Now, if you have gotten all of these to align perfectly (I call this the Asshole Astrological Alignment), casually as obviously as possibleempty the 'drugs' into her drink. When she returns, hand it off to her. Now, it is all up to the stranger and your ability to roll with the punches. There are several outcomes here, I will outline the two most likely:

1. The Hero

This is the funniest and hardest to deal with. The dude might decide to be a hero and make a scene, calling you out (hopefully not before she returns) and trying to give her a heads up. Now, you have two options (a lot more if you can get her in on the joke) which route you take entirely depends on how cool you think your date will be when you reveal the prank: drag it out and risk freaking out your date or drop the prank immediately. If you drag it you are gonna need some serious improv and this can be a really great oppurtunity for you if your date is in on it (for example try and make excuses and have her slap you ((take one for comedy, dammit)) and 'storm' out of the bar as you chase after her). If your date is not in on it, be careful! This can go from hilarious to arrested in a real hurry.

2. The Neutral Dude

If your mark does nothing, fear not! The joke isn't ruined. You now have a chance make even greater chaos. For instance, "Hey man, you see what I did there. This is so easy! You want...you want in on some of this later?" Roll with it! Really grind into this dude, I mean he did just watch you put drugs in a girls drink! The best though is if your girl is in on it. Get her to come up to the dude and put his ass on blast! Have her freak out saying shit like, "Dammit Rodney, I told you we don't have to do it that way. This is the third time this month. AND YOU! How can you just watch someone put shit in a girl's drink? Are you a rapist? Do you like rape? Huh? Huh? Do you?!"

No matter what happens, this is always sure to end in either hilarity, shame, guilt, awesomeness, arrest, a beating, or all of the above!

2.) Incest! Yay

This one is always hilarious and far more simple (and less risky) than the first one. All you need is a date that you can kiss without getting slapped, a crowded bar, and maybe a friend with a cellphone to capture the magical moment.

Alright, so head to the bar and get cozy with the mark. At some point let your friend know who the mark is so that he can try to get in a position to get the perfect picture. Ok, make sure that he knows what your date looks like and try not to be cozied up with her (again this can be easier if she is awesome and agrees to join in on the fun), just act friendly. After a while, ask her to pick a song out on the jukebox (but not loudly enough for the mark to hear) or some other excuse to draw her away from you. Now, ask the mark if he has seen where your cousin has gone. Hopefully he has figured out who she is and will hopefully point out where she rand off to. Go ahead and meet up with her, walk back to the mark (making sure he can see you two), and give her a nice kiss. Finally, check to see if your buddy got a decent picture of the dude's face as he watched you kiss your 'cousin.' Sometimes you can get some absolutely priceless snapshots.

For bonus points, go the extra mile (this will only work if your date is on the joke) and make casual conversation like, "I am so glad our family brought us together." Or even ask the mark in casual conversation, "Have you ever thought of diddling your cousin?" Make sure your buddy is getting shots of all of his reactions.


More coming in the future!
- The Bus

Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat Ohhhh Shit Part 2

Alright, so if you actually managed to make it through part one (what the hell is wrong with you) we should be best friends. And as promised, here is part two!

Just a quick recap of who is left:

Street Fighter

Ryu
Ken
Guile
Chun-Li
Sakura (Sai to the gut)
Alex (Shot by a moronic Stryker on accident)
Dan (Killed by Baraka immediately after stepping into the MK universe)
Rolento
Cody

Vega
Sagat
M. Bison
Balrog (Beaten to death by Jax while being made fun of for wearing his boxing gloves)
Cammy (Blown the fuck up by one of Rolento's grenades)
Akuma
Twelve (Triple teamed by Sonya, Jax, and Liu Kang)

Mortal Kombat

Liu Kang
Raiden
Jax
Johnny Cage (torn in half ((again)) by ((Twelve morphing into)) Goro)
Sonya Blade
Kitana (Skewered by Vega, taking advantage of Mortal Kombatants lack of mobility)
Stryker (Put out of his sad little existence by Cammy)

Alright! Now on to part two (hopefully concluding this thing, because no one wants to read this shit)

Round 13 Guile vs. Mileena

Following the cowardly Vega, the heroes came to a very long, winding staircase. Cody smirks, Thank fucking raptor Jesus we don't have the fat ass Sumo wrestler with us..."

After a good ten minutes of climbing the stupidly long stairs, they come to yet another arena looking room. In one of the dark corners is a whimpering Vega muttering something about his face and how pretty he is...you know, the usual thing Vega does.

Raiden looks around, "Should I finish him off?"

Guile puts a hand out to stop the thunder God from advancing, "You did really well last time, but he is pissed off and will be pulling out the stops at this point. No offense, but you guys just can't move like we can."

Raiden nods, "Also...we are down to four of our guys, still have six."

Guile approaches the whimpering Vega and as he gets closer, realizes it isn't Vega at all!

Mileena leaps out of the corner and tosses Vega's claw at Guile, "Die like the teenage whore you brought with you!"

Guile Flash Kicks right the fuck over that shit, lands, and promptly starts back pedaling...

"Face me you cowardly man meat! Your whiny bitch of a friend was useless, let me see what you can do!"

Guile, needing to stall for just a few more back steps, replies, "You killed Vega...he...he was on your side, tard!"

Suddenly Mileena mysteriously pulls out a couple Sai  (seriously where does she get these things from???) and hurls them at Guile.

Having successfully back pedaled enough, Guile unleashes a mighty Sonic Boom and disintegrates the projectiles and launches her into the wall behind her. Wasting no time he charges at her and uses his my (the author) favorite combo: a leaping kick, two medium punches, a low kick, and then a throw (start holding back now), and then landing a Sonic Boom right as they stand up.

Mileena was seeing double but had one last trick up her sleeve: she took off her mask.

"OH MY GOD! HELP! HELP! KILL IT WITH FIRE! NO! DO NOT WANT! NEVER! I NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE!"

Guile then sprinted out of the arena, pushed everyone out of his way, and threw himself down the giant winding stairs.

Round 14 Chun-Li vs. Mileena

Enraged by the loss of Guile, sickened by the explosive and gory death of Cammy, the Sai to the gut of Sakura, and kind of upset about Dan (just a little bit), Chun-Li was ready for this shit to be over with. She rushed at the hideous creature she-bitch, launching Hadoukens the entire time.

Mileena put her mask on (with that gaping nasty jaw, lots of shit gets caught in your throats simply by breathing without the mask) and prepared herself for this new challenger. She managed to mostly dodge the fireballs and was pleased to see they really were more of a pressuring attack than a heavy damaging projectile. Much like her Sai!

She leapt over the last projectile and went for a Sai..."NO! My vagina is out of Sai! Shit!" Landing with no weapons she watched in horror as the chick leapt onto her hands and yelled, "Spinning Hurricane Kick!"

Chun-Li managed to land every hit and then used then mashed the light kick button to deliver a couple dozen, lightning fast brain damaging head kicks. Mileena stumbled backwards and leened against the wall, "You...are a tough...bitch."

Mileena pushes off of the wall and leaps in for a kick, but Chun-Li's ant-air game is rock solid and picks her off by jumping backwards and timing out a Hadouken to ensure she lands on it! Devious!

Finally, seeing that this fight was about done, Chun-Li pressured with the Hadoukens and Spinning Hurricane Kick's until Mileena was against the wall and finished the ugly she-devil with a throw. K.O!

Round 15 Cody vs. Kano

*Ryu, Ken, and Chun-Li head back down the stairs to see if Guile is still alive and moderately sane. Cody and Rolento accompany the Mortal Kombatants through the door that Mileena was guarding, putting Mileena out of her misery as they go. Discovering more stairs, they stop to smoke a couple cigarettes and take a few pulls off of the flasks they found Johnny Cage's body.*

Finally arriving at the next level, they were confronted by a bald dude with a glowing cybernetic eye. After the Kombatants explained that this was a sadistic serial killer who loved knives, Cody got a raging hard-on and exclaimed, "Oh fuck yes, this one is totally mine."

As Cody walked toward Kano, Liu Kang remarked, "There is something really wrong with him, isn't there..."

The battle was intense. Kano launched forward with his ludacris cannonball attack thing, which was parried by Cody's tornado attack thing. Kano laughed when Cody threw rocks (with little to no explanation as to how they got there) at him and attempted to throw his butterfly knives at him. Cody, blocked these...somehow and moved forward to engage Kano in physical combat. Here, the Kombatant proved his worth and battled him to a draw.

Tired and battered, they resorted to a knife fight. With the larger dick knives (and hey, he had two) Kano was gaining the advantage, scoring many deep gashes on his opponent. Cody, in a fit of desperation, chucked a fistful of dirt (with little to no explanation of how it got there) into Kano's eyes eye, lunged forward, and buried his knife into his opposer's gut. Kano spat blood onto Cody's face and laugh, "Fuck you!"

With a sharp hissing sound, a laser shot out of his cybernetic eye and blasted straight through Cody's shoulder.

"FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK!"

With that, the two fighters collapsed: Cody bleeding profusely and his shoulder smoldering, Kano with a knife in his gut.

*The rest of the Street Fighters caught up with the crowd, reporting that they had found Guile's broken, twisted body at the bottom of the stairs. The look on Guile's face was apparently that of the people that had watched the VHS tape from The Ring. They learned that Cody had fought to a valian, but ultimately deadly, draw with the ferocious Kano*

Alright, I don't know who I was kidding when I thought I could finish this up in just a couple of hours, so I will have to post a part three tonight at work. Hey at least it isn't too damn long this time. So it is now an even 7 vs. 7. Still to come: the rising anger and confusion of the Street Fighter's as they have watched five of their friend's get killed needlessly might finally come to a breaking point as they take on the strangest and most fearsome foes that the Mortal Kombat universe has to offer? Plus, what will come when the Mortal Kombatants discover that the Street Fighters have some seriously strong cheap fighters still to come!!!

Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat: Ohhhhh Shit Part 1

Alright, so I am stupidly excited for Marvel vs. Capcom 3 to come out. As the second one is and always will be one of the greatest fighters to ever come out, EVER. In fact, I love most cross-over games and with Street Fighter vs. Tekken officially announced, things just keep getting better. However, not all of them can be perfect (Mortal Kombat vs.  D.C. still makes me shudder) and some simply will never happen. One of those that will simply never happen (and would be totally fucking awesome) is Mortal Kombat vs. Street Fighter. Just fucking imagine, Ed Boon and John Tobias letting Street Fighter's guys handle the art work and animation with the agreement that violence is allowed. It would be totally killer. So, seeing as I have jack shit to do at work, I am going to look at what could have been...

Street Fighter Vs. Mortal Kombat!!!

Story: Shit I don't know. This crap doesn't fucking matter. Uhhh Shao Kahn is wrecking all of existence (as usual) while Raiden and crew try to stop him they open a rift in reality that sucks in the Street Fighter crowd. Uhhh M. Bison discovers that if he takes over this reality thing he can control all of uhhhh reality? Sure, why the fuck not. Then, for some crazy fuck reason Kahn and Bison become friends (allies? butt buddies?) and join their forces to crush krush the combined good forces of the Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat universes. This is fucking retarded, but as I said...it doesn't matter worth cow shit.

Alright lets take a look at how this shit is going to go down...who is going to control all of fucked reality?

Characters:

Street Fighter

The Good
1. Ryu
2. Ken
3. Guile
4. Chun-Li
5. Sakura
6. Alex
7. Dan
8. Rolento
9. Cody

The Evil
1. Vega
2. Sagat
3. M. Bison
4. Balrog
5. Cammy (She isn't really evil anymore, but fuck it. Just say she is under mind control or some shit again)
6. Akuma
7. Twelve


Mortal Kombat

The Good
1. Liu Kang
2. Raiden
3. Jax
4. Johnny Cage
5. Sonya Blade
6. Kitana
7. Stryker

The Evil
1. Shang Tsung
2. Goro
3. Reptile
4. Scorpion
5. Sub-Zero
6. Kano
7. Shao Kahn
8. Baraka
9. Mileena

Alright, so I think that is a decent first draft for the character selection. Seeing as I still have nothing to do until 4:30am, I am going to quickly run through and see how I think these fights would go down...(GO NERDS!)

Round 1 Dan vs. Baraka

Dan is the first hapless soul to wander through the portal and is immediately confronted by some fucked up creature/man thing with sharp teeth and blades coming out of his forearms. Dan does his usual jackass thing, signs an autograph, and then throws a punch at the creature while yelling, "DAN IS THE FUCKING MAN!" Dan's punch hits Baraka like throwing a doughnut at Patrick Swayze. Not feeling the usual Street Fighter sympathy for Dan (you know, punch the living shit out of him and then leaving him bleeding on the curb), Baraka lops his sad little head off.

Round 2 Raiden vs. Baraka

Seeing his new friends' look of horror (and Cody's smile) at the ultra-violence of this new world, Raiden decides he will take care of this little nuisance for them. "Oh for FUCK'S SAKE! Baraka, that is not how you God damn say hello!" After finishing this statement he electrocutes the holy hell out of Baraka (his little forearm blades make great conductors). Baraka makes a crazy shrieking noise and runs at the Elder God. Raiden teleports behind him and grabs him in a chokehold, "You always were a retarded character..." At this, the god snaps his neck...FATALITY!

*At this point the Elder God explains to his new friends' the ultra-violence and brutality of his world, introduces him to the Kombat Krew, and points to the uhhh Evil Tower of Evil? Again, fuck, I don't know nor care. Its the damn the good fuckers need to go to kick the shit out of the evil fuckers...also, Baraka wasn't invited to the Evil Tower of Evil  because he is a really shitty character*

Round 3 Ken vs. Scorpion

Approaching the front door (hey, gates and moats and all that evil fortress shit is expensive) of the Evil Tower of Evil the crowd notices a really outlandish ninja wearing yellow for some reason. Ken, puzzled as shit, asks, "Who the fuck is that? He is more ridiculous than Q fuck from Street Fighter Three! I want to kick his ass!" Liu Kang gorws concerned and warns, "Careful he is quite dangerous..." Ken doesn't let him finish and chooses to run straight at the ninja which for some reason yells, "GET OVER HERE!"

"Oh my God! Holy shit! What the fuck is wrong with you!?! You threw a fucking spear into my shoulder! Jesus shit!"

Round 3.5 Cody vs. Scorpion

Seeing his dumbass friend getting yanked by a chorded spear in the shoulder, and then pummeled repeatedly pissed Cody off. Sneaking up on Scorpion while he was juggling the ever living shit out of Ken using that Hell Raiser teleporting punch thing mixed with that teleporting uppercut (we have all pissed off a friend by doing that at least once), Cody picks up a rock that he found and throws it at Scorpion's head, "Hey, dipshit!" As soon as Scorpion turns around, Cody hits him with that weird tornado thing he has, tackles him, and then starts stabbing him mercilessly.

"Are you ok, Ken?"

"He fucking threw a spear into my fucking shoulder! What the hell was that all about?"

Round 4 Jax vs. Balrog

Having made it a bit farther into the Evil Fortress of Evil, the group stumbles upon the gym (so thats where the money for a scary moat and fancy gate went). Ryu gasps, "Oh shit, Balrog is here! He always tourbles me with his tricky charging attack and cheap over powered combos!" Jax pushes his way through and approaches Balrog, "I got this one."

Sakura thinks for a second and then blurts, "Don't go after him if he is backing up!"

Balrog says something that probably makes the developers look moderatley racist, as does Jax. Then they fight! Balrog bobs and weaves and trades a few blows. Balrog backs up and waits for Jax to come at him and then explodes with his charge punch thing and slams Jax straight in the gut. Suddenly, Jax remembers what that tiny Asian girl who shows her underwear way too much said.

Jax punches the ground to form a mini earthquake (because that makes sense) and makes Balrog stumble, lunges forward and grabs Balrog by the neck and begins to repeatedly pound his head with his free hand. Yelling with every bloody blow, "WHY...WOULD...YOU...WEAR...BOXING...GLOVES!!!"

*As Ryu and Ken watch Jax drop the bloodied, broken body of Balrog, they start chatting about how strong and crazy the Mortal Kombat dudes are and how they are going to have to step it up.*

Round 5 Mileena vs. Sakura

Getting a bit lost in the vast and maze like Evil Tower of Evil (their interior designer was drunk) the crew suddenly noticed someone sneaking around in the shadows. Suddenly two Sai come flying out of the shadows forcing Liu Kang to dodge out of the way, "Shit it's Mileena!"

Scratching his head, Rolento ventures, "...and who the fuck is that?"

Kitana explains, "She is my evil twin..."

Guile cuts her off, "Wow, your designers were even lazier than ours"

Sakura giggles but is cut off when a Sai buries itself into her gut, "Where...does...she pull those from...AAACKK!"

Ryu explodes with anger and launches a hadouken into the darkness...but no one is there!

"THAT BITCH CUNT, MOSTLY NAKED WHORE!"

*Chun-Li, Ken, and Alex assure Ryu that this game probably won't be canon and that she will be back in the next Street Fighter game, good as new. Finally accepting this, the group heads further into the fortress.*

Round 6 Johnny Cage vs. Twelve

Eventually, they find a door and are able to get to the next level. Holy shit! A temple type of stage! In the middle of the temple-ish place is a white, alien thing. As the Street Fighters try to explain that this is a dangerous opponent that can take the form of any fighter, Johnny Cage pushes his way through the crowd, "Fuck any fighter, I'll take him. That chick, Sakura, was hot and hopefully eighteen. My boner needs revenge."

Johnny runs at the creature/alien/sex criminal and Shadow Kicks it in the face and then hurls a Shadow Ball into its face, "Take that you ugly shit!" The Shadow Attacks have a bit of an effect on the creature, it pisses it off. Twelve turns into Guile and starts backing up...

"What are you? A fucking scaredey shapeshifting naked alien? The Martian Man Hunter has more game than you, and I kicked his ass!"

Guile suddenly yells, "No! Cage, if he is backing up like that he is going to..."

Guile is cut of though when the creature Guile launches a blinding fast Sonic Boom (he must have used fierce punch for the input command, cunning cunt) and knocks Johnny off of his feet. The creature now turns into Dhalsim and starts launching punches from across the screen temple. Johnny uses his action movie training to dodge these, "What the FUCK Street Fighter?! Our designers might be lazy but yours are just straight up racist!"

Finally reaching the creature Dhalsim, Johnny drops does the splits, "Now...for my finisher!" At this, Johnny hammers the creature in the balls...IT'S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE! (Oh, wrong game)

As the creature takes the form of Goro and lifts Johnny into the air, Johnny mutters, "He...has...no...balls..." And then is promptly ripped in half.

Round 7 Sonya Blade and Jax and Liu Kang vs. Twelve

The problem with killing someone with friends is that...well, they have fucking friends. The Street Fighters (and Twelve) quickly learned that the Mortal Kombatants not only are more violent but are also much dirtier fighters. No matter who Twelve turned into, there was nothing he could do agains the three. Liu Kang started by flying into his chest with that crazy bicycle kick he does, knocking twelve down. Jax leaped impossibly high into the air and smashed down on his chest a couple times. Sonya used that weird pink ring attack to blow him against a wall.

To finish him, Jax pulled out his sub-machine gun (do you remember how they gave him that special attack? that was weird), Kang prepared a fireball, and Sonya launched her kiss of death.

There was nothing left.

*Once again, the Street Fighters (minus Cody and Rolento) were quite shocked by how brutal the Mortal Kombat dudes could be and at how unfair they could fight (guns? three people on one? juggle attacks that didn't require ridiculous button imput and timing?)*

Round 8 Stryker vs. Cammy

After sending Cage off the proper way (Kang cremated him and Jax gave a 21 shot salute) and moving on, they then came across a caped character, shrouded in shadows. Stryker growing impatient at never getting used and only getting a quick shout-out in the second movie, rushes forward with his gun and flashbangs drawn, "GET...THE FUCK...OUTTA THE WAY!!!"

Suddenly, the cape is thrown off and a skinny blonde in red boots and a camo onesie leaps into the air. Stryker hollers and opens fire, "FULL FUCKING AUTO, BABY!"

Everyone runs for cover as the barely used, third rate character sprays lead everywhere.

Cammy bounces off of a wall and bellows, "REVERSE SHAFT BREAKER!" Flying off of the wall she kicks Stryker in the head, spinning him around. She does this three more times. Stryker falls to the ground, finger still clenching the trigger of his gun, out of bullets. She walks over to him and puts the heel of her boot on his head and then stomps down on it as hard as she can. SQUISHALITY!

*While Stryker was spraying wildly with his machine gun, a ricochet hit Alex in the head and dropped him dead. No one really cared, summarized by Ryu, "He was a decent character but a terrible attempt to replace Ken and I. No one will care." However, they still had to deal with Cammy. Rolento had taken a liking to Stryker, as he was similarly left unused by most players and had a bone to pick with the over used and cheap Cammy*

Round 9 Rolento vs. Cammy

"Alright, lets do this...bitch."

Rolento watches as the crazy she-devil rushes towards him and yanks a grenade off of his belt and lobs it down the hallway. Cammy pauses, and prepares to block.

For some reason, Jax starts laughing hysterically.

The grenade goes off and Rolento mutters, "Shit, she blocked but at least I'll get some chip damage..."

He is cut off when Cammy's terrible screams start pouring down the hallway.

Rolento, puzzled, inspects. "Holy shit! The thing blew her apart! Where is her arm? Shit, is that a leg over there? What fucking organs are hanging out of her stomach?! But, my grenades never do that shit!"

Jax walks over and effortlessly puts a bullet in her head to put her out of her misery shut her up, "You see Rolento, in the Mortal Kombat universe our designers love over the top Mature rated gore. Your grenades aren't just a silly projectile attack to pressure your opponent into a corner to get thrown. Those will actually work here..."

*Chun-Li vomits profusely at the sight of the obliterated Cammy. Ken cries for a few minutes, curled up in a fetal position, and rocking back and forth. Rolento just keeps looking at a grenade and blinking a lot. The Mortal Kombatants just keep on going.*

Round 10 Sub-Zero vs. Ken and Ryu

After slapping Ken and telling him to snap out of it repeatedly, Ryu is finally able to rally Ken. However, they realize the group has left them behind. They start to hurry when to catch up when they feel the hallway getting really cold...

"Which one of you fucktards killed Scorpion? I'm supposed to kill him!"

Ken and Ryu turn around just in time to dodge out of the way of what looks just like the ninja that Cody stabbed repeatedly, except blue. He was sliding on ice, how silly! Ryu gets into a combative stance when a blue streak strikes him. The next thing he knows, his feet are frozen to the ground!

"Ken, you're going to have to take this guy! I am frozen to the ground for some dumb ass reason. I will pressure him with hadoukens while I thaw!"

Ken whimpers a bit and then gets into position. The icey ninja comes sliding at Ken who responds with the Tornado Kick (yes, its technically Tornado Whirlwind Kick, but that is just stupid). The ninja crashes backwards and jumps to his feet. Only to get hit in the face with Ryu's hadouken. Ken rushes him and dodges another icey blast and hits him with a Shoryuken.

The ninja flies into the air and falls past the screen into a pit of spikes.

Ken looks on in awe, "Holy shit! Did you see that Ryu? I uppercut a dude into a pit of spikes! Fuckin-A!"

Ryu thaws his feet with a weak hadouken, "Yeah, yeah but you still can't beat Akuma on expert difficulty. What happened to you being a pussy a few minutes ago? Uppercut a guy into a pit of spikes and suddenly you're on top of the world. Jesus, lets go. I don't even know you anymore."

*Meanwhile...*

Round 11 Kitana vs. Vega

Heading up some stairs, Kitana was the first to step inside a large room with a large chandelier hanging on it. As soon as she stepped in, a heavy steel gate slammed shut.

"Shit! It was a trap!"

Suddenly a squirrely white dude with a claw strapped to one hand leaps from his hiding spot on the chandelier.

"My! What a beauty! I am sure your blood is quite delicious!"

Kitana, not one for small talk, flips out her two bladed fans and prepares for battle. As they exchange some kicks, punches, and draw a bit of blood from each other it becomes apparent that Kitana is at a disadvantage, "Oh fuck! Another character that can bounce off the walls and ceilings! That is our weakness! That is what killed Stryker...well that and he is retarded!"

As Kitana tries to fight back the deranged Spaniard, Raiden explains to the Street Fighters that Mortal Kombatants can only flip forward, backwards, and occasionally teleport. But never bounce off of the walls and ceiling! That is just unheard of!

Liu Kang tries to yell some enthusiastic words at Kitana, "Come on girl! You can do it, you crazy bitch!"

Kitana tries to throw her fan at the Spaniard but it is simply jumped over. He then kicks off of the ceiling and flies at Kitana, burying his claw into her chest.

Liu looks on in disgust, "...oh wait, no you can't."

Round 12 Vega vs. Raiden

Watching in horror as Kitana is gutted by the Spaniard, he decides to teleport into the arena and take him on.

Jax hollers, "Raiden, don't! You can't jump around like that, he'll kill you!"

Raiden looks back, "But...I can do this."

After this statement he does that crazy Superman dive across the screen and smashes the Spaniard into the wall and then holds down the button to use rage and unleashes and unholy combon on Vega. Vega's mask flies off and he starts yelling, "My face! Not my fucking pretty face! KEYARRRGH!!!"

As the Spaniard flees the scene (pressing a remote control button in his pocket to open the gates) Raiden chuckles, "What a fucking pansy boy!" And sends a bolt of lightning down the hall after him, but nothing is heard.

*Ryu and Ken catch up with the others and learn that the ninja they dispatched was named Sub-Zero, many jokes were made. They were surprised to learn that Vega managed to kill Kitana, considering he usually gets his ass handed to him by chicks in the anime and comic books. They head down the hallway that Vega had come from and find a long stairway, heading into the next level of the Evil Tower of Evil!*


Well, holy shit. I have been at this forever and it is long as shit. I will have to say that is it for Episode 1. Stay tuned for Episode 2. What happens when Cody meets fellow knife lover, Kano? What happens when Sonya Blade and Jax meet Sagat? What happens when Ken finally snaps because of all the bloodshed and death? Find out next time when I spend three hours typing out the most ridiculous shit you have ever read!

ABC Insult Alliteration Challenge

The Bus is bored as hell in his last hour of work and has thought of a challenge for himself. Can I come up with an insult alliteration for the entire alphabet? I am requiring a minimum of three words and allowing for a one word break (of, the, is, etc,.) and in parentheses will provide the set up. Can The Bus succeed in his ultimate insult challenge? Will The Bus finally run out of swear words (Your God, X is going to be a bastard)? Let us see...

A - (You are being an) ample amount of ass
B - (That night at work was a) big bitch boat
C - (The Westboro Baptist Church is full of) cunted crap containers
D - (You can go) ding daddies dick
E - (Fuck I hope this party isn't full of) egotistic estrogen elephants
F - (Dude, what is that guy wearing? He looks like a) fucking fritzy flamingo 
G - (I imagine her cooking would be similar to) gobling giraffe giblets
H - (I stay away from small town parties because they are full of) hate hawking hicks
I - (You damn) imbred insufficient idiot
J - (I can't understand a damn thing you say because you are a) jargon juggling junkie
K - (I didn't ever think I would say this ever, but you are seriously a) kitten killing kleptomaniac
L - (The worst inmate to deal with is that) lying little lifer
M - (Don't let Ted borrow any cash because he is totally a) money munching mooch
N - (I can't deal with this guy anymore, he is being a) nagging numb nuts
O - (I would avoid taking her on a date, she is a) one overy ogre.
P - (The job you guys did was) piss punching poor
Q - (Look at him showing off with those) quacking quail quadricepts
R - (He punched out his boss in a) raving retard rage
S - (The Bus tends to be a) silly shit show
T - (I told you not to go on a date with her! Her vagina is full of) tiny tiger teeth
U - (I think I have a mental disorder because I called my mother a) universal unicorn umbrella
V - (She thinks she has won, but really it was just a thinly) veiled vagina victory
W - (He called you a one ovary ogre? Well don't worry, he is just upset about his) whining wiggling wang
X - (Now I know that I am mental because today I called my roommate a) xenophobic xanthic xenolith
Y - (Whenever I talk to you, I think of a) yellow yelling yeti
Z - (NO! For the last time, I am not jealous of your shit, you) zelophobic zaftig zelatrix

SILLY SHITTY SUCCESS

The Bus on Beer

Alright, I really love beer. If you know me, that is painfully obvious. Some think that I have shit taste because most times I am drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, Colt 45. Malt Liquor 40 ounce, or an Old English Malt Liquour 40 ounce. I drink these because I find the taste to be more acceptable than that of other super cheap beers and because I am fucking broke. However, when given the oppurtunity I love some nice beer and feel I am building a reasonable palette. On top of nerding out on shitty B movies and comic books, some of my views on the world around me, and talking about my crazy kitten; I'd like to use this blog to take a breather from me swearing like a drunken sailor and attempting to be funny to talk about some of the beers I have sampled and enjoyed. If you are looking for a new brew to try (I will also bring to you some reports on whiskeys, bourbons, and scotchs I stumble across), look to these sections.

Also, incase you are for some reason entirely uneducated in beer consumption, pour it in a glass.



Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout by The North Coast Brewing Company




5 Fuck Yeahs Out Of 5

If you like heavy stouts, look no further than this guy right here. It is as drak as coffee and pours out with a nice frothy head, adding to its coffee appearance. The reason for this is obvious when you smell it and even more so when you taste it; it is absolutely packed with coffee and chocolate aromas. It is as heavy as any classic dark stout (Guiness) but finishes a lot sweeter (well, sweet for a dark stout). If you have dabbled with chocolate beers before (New Belgium's 1854 is a good start), you will love this. Also, it isn't pure chocolate. So, if you are new to chocolate beers, this is a great start as you won't be overloaded on your first go. At a staggering 9% alcohol and coming in packs of four, its pricier cost is perfectly reasonable.


Schlafly Pumpkin Ale



4 Fuck Yeahs Out Of 5

It is that time of the year again! As all of the breweries roll out their pumpkin and fall beers makes this my favorite season of the year. If you are new to pumpkin beers, sample a Harvest Moon (The seasonal pumpkin ale companion to Blue Moon by Coors Brewing Company) as it is cheap and not Super    Pumpkin-y. Anyways, this guy isn't for the pumpkin dabbler, it is a true pumpkin beer. It pulls no punches in its spice and tangy flavors. Packed full of hops, flavored with nutmeg, squash, and pumpkin it offers a one of a kind taste. I swear, if you were brave and took a shot of whip cream with your beer, you would think you were drinking a pumpkin pie. Coming in a six pack and weighing in at an 8% alcohol it doesn't quite deserve its hefty price tag. But seeing as this is only available for one season of the year, it is totally worth giving a try or three. Also, look out for Schlafly's Coffee Stout coming on November first. It is only going to weigh in at 5.7% alcohol but will be using actuall fermented coffee beans and brewed as an oatmeal stout. That one is going to kick ten kinds of ass.


Boddingtons Pub Ale

3.5Fuck Yeahs Out Of 5

Boddingtons is no secret and widly available, but I just recently got to try this guy. My roommate bought a six pack of these and I only got to sample a couple of them so I can't give a one hundred percent review on it (I need to spend an entire night with a beer to get a real feel for it). However, from what I have gained on it, it is just as it says on the can: pub ale. Nothing fancy and nothing to complain about. That was my problem though. There really wasn't anything to make this guy jump out at me. It is smooth and creamy throughout, thanks to the widget (that is the fancy thing that rattles around in nicer cans and bottles of beers) with a slight bitter finish. It weighs in at 4.7% alcohol and won't leave you feeling full.

Top 5 Reasons It Would Suck To Live In The Marvel Universe

Alright, so superheroes kick ass and I love comic books to death. I would love nothing more than being a superhero and kicking ass. But you know what wouldn't be cool? Fucking living as an average Joe among these bastards. I mean buildings getting blown up by The Green Goblin, random gun fights in the streets thanks to The Punisher, and forget getting some bar money from the bank when Mr. Fear is knocking over the bank! Here are five of my reasons I think living anywhere (except maybe Genosha...nothing happens there anymore) in the Marvel Universe.

1. Just getting to work is a pain in the ass.

Sure, when The Rhino plows through rush hour traffic, or The Brotherhood of Mutants is wreaking havoc on some bank or other government installation, or Loki is being a dick or doing whatever the fuck Loki does the hero always ends up saving everyone of the hapless citizens caught in the blast (unless of course you are the New Mutants and really suck at your job *cough* Civil War is all your fault *cough*). But that doesn't mean our day is any less ruined. I mean a lot of managers will barely excuse any lateness/absence short of 'Bad Case of Entire Family Murdered By Wolves', let alone having a near death experience with a super villain. Especially since this shit happens fucking daily! I mean, have you ever read a comic called, 'Spider-Man Sips Coffee With Aunt May'? Fuck no you haven't! (Well maybe, the 60s were a strange, strange time for comics). Every damn issue has something tearing ass through New York City to such a regularity that the citizens might even get a sense of schedule to the damn events. Hell, here is an idea villains: send a damn mailer! For instance, "Attention, meat bag citizen! I, Norman Osborn, am feeling batshit insane...again. (surprise!) If you are part of the 9 to 5 crowd, I would recommend either staying late or asking the day off on the 17th of May. Oh, and I wouldn't drive on the bridges on the 19th (tee hee!)."

2. Lots and lots of therapy

Modern humans are a bunch of sniveling pussies. We used to have a war every other Thursday, a plague every other Monday, and a dead family member thanks to Cholera every other month. Things didn't used to bother us so much. Now a days, a janitor could have to clean a toilet used by Peter Jackson and need three months of therapy. For fuck's sake, we have therapy for people who like sex too much! Now a days, you can't poke someone with a pillow without dooming that poor bastard to years of therapy. You really think the seventy year old that is thrown out of a thirty story sky scraper, falls eighteen of them, and then is caught at the last second by Spider-Man/Rogue/Iron Man is just gonna get set down and be like, "Thanks super dude! I feel great." No, that person is going to be waking up from nightmares of falling for years to come! That's nothing compared to the hundreds of hostage situations that take place every month in the Marvel Universe. I mean, shit, a hostage situation in our world is some serious shit. That really fucks with people's psyche. But imagine getting held hostage by a guy who can throw a car farther than you can throw a football, imagine getting kidnapped and held hostage by someone who can pull blades out of their body, and shit just think of watching as everyone you ever loved is eaten by Venom!

3. An even more frustrating dating pool

Finding a decent partner in our world is stressful enough. I mean imagine you are like me (I know its scary): you can't really play an instrument, sports were never your strong point, you are of average height and build, and you write blogs about why it would suck to live in the Marvel Universe. In other words, you're fucked (metaphorically not literally). Average Joe's like me always lose out because the shit we are good at isn't as readily apparent as the other dudes. Now imagine you're growing up in the Marvel Universe, now you're throwing people with fucking super powers into the mix! Now you're really fucked (still metaphorically). You may be saying, "But, there really isn't that many of the bastards running around." No, you are right. There aren't a lot of the big ones running around. But there are hundreds of lesser, but still super powered, dudes and dudettes (yes girls you also get shafted to super powered chicks) running around. I mean think of the flow of attraction here: if she isn't picked up by Ted in accounting who just discovered he can manipulate matter, if she isn't picked up by Randy in management who has a cool folk band, if she isn't picked up by Joseph who is past his time but still trying to play football and doing well at tricking her other wise, and so on and so on....you are left with Two Ton Tina who's only power is making sure no one else in the office knows what the brownies taste like. NO ONE!

4. Everything is expensive

Let me ask you, "If you are a delivery driver...are you going to happily deliver your shipment to a city that is regularly getting fuckered by a super villain?" Let me ask you, "If you are a bank guard...are you going to continue guarding that bank, which is attacked every other day, on your current pay?" If you answered yes, you are probably a villain in disguise. No one is going to keep doing what they are doing on their current pay when at any moment, everything can go shit wrecked to a level that Kevin Costner's acting career couldn't even comprehend. I can't believe that the real estate market, construction companies, and banking industries are any better than completely in a shambles. The only people rental agencies will take a risk on when renting an apartment (because you know that's going to get fucked by a thrown truck or something in a month) are the people that can pay for that shit. You think things are expensive now? Try living somewhere where money has to be spent daily on the shit that the heroes and villains wreck.

5. The heroes are fucking dicks

Alright, so you got fired because Magneto, for the third time, decided to lob your car at the X-men, you haven't seen your sister in five months thanks to Dr. Octopus tossing trying to use her as shield against Spider-Man and securing her a place in the intensive therapy, your girlfriend left you for Elijah Bradley (The Patriot), and there is a $9.50 bank fee when you withdraw twenty bucks to wash away your depression in cheap grain alcohol. But hey, at least you live in a world that has mother-fucking super heroes running around and wooping ass, right?! I mean that has to be even more kick ass than getting a hand job from Rosario Dawson while listening to Rush and shooting a fully automatic rifle all at once, right? FUCK NO. These guys are dicks. The Punisher is never going to apologize for all the dead goons lining the hallways of your apartment complex, Rogue isn't going to apologize for catching your car (which was thrown by Magneto and got you fired) and using it to club the Juggernaut, and Spider-Man isn't going to issue a public statement for all the people that died when Carnage broke out again. They just kick ass, break your shit, terrorize your loved ones, and hope not too many people died. I mean shit, I don't even think they apologized for the whole Civil War thing. Fuck this I am moving to Gotham City.

An Ode to One Liners - We (I) Salute You

Oh the one liner, prevalent in any 80s action flick worth its nuts has since died and passed on. Unless of course you pretend that Vin Diesel is an actor or you make yourself feel better at night by watching Nicholas Cage forage for his acting career like a squirrel trying to figure out where he buried his acorns after drinking Brandy and punching his wife all winter.

So, here I am going give a little overview and memorial to the greatest one liner champion, Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. To make this simple (I could reference one liners enough to fill a graduate level essay) I will just pick some of my favorite movies and shine a light on my favorite lines dropped by the Governator and a little probing into what the writer may have been thinking when he shat out these winners.

1982 Conan the Barbarian

I will start where my memory is the foggiest. I haven't seen this movie for a long ass time because, well...it sucks. If for some reason you haven't seen this one its the one with Arnold wearing a diaper made out of animal skin and swinging a giant ass sword. Apparently its about a slave kid who ends up trained in the art of war, joins some thieves, and tries to solve the riddle of steel. No, I am not trying to be poetic, that is actually what it is about...yes, riddle of steel. Oh and Arnold fights a bunch of dudes in the middle of a cannibal orgy, that was pretty awesome.

Anyways, the only real line I remember from seeing this last was when some priestess (or a hooker, I don't know) was doing that thing in every 80s action movie where the hero is a sack of shit and needs a mystical person/hooker/Michael Caine to show them their inner strength. When she asks, "What do you see?" Arnold can think of absolutely nothing better than this insightful poem, "Uhhh....infinity."

Yes, infinity. That is all you can damn see, Arnold. I mean don't talk about all the spiritual shit that is going on, all the shit you have gone through, or all the people you have killed. Maybe the writer just figured, "Fuck it, this guy has seen enough. All he sees now is...........infinity." Then the drunk director jumped up, knocking his chair back in a dramatic fashion, and broke into tears, "That...that is just....beautiful!"

(1984) The Terminator

Alright, alright my memory on Conan was really fuzzy and I need to revist it. I apologize. But, here is one that I actually know quite well. as it is one of my (and a fuck ton of other people's) all time favorites. I really don't even need to talk about some of the great lines that came out of this, considering they single-handedly shaped an entire generation's lingo. So, I will try and think of a couple that aren't as fondly remembered...

A personal favorite that I have tried to bring up with a few friends to literally zero response is when the Terminator's damaged skin is rotting to all fuck and the cleaning dude asks him if he's got a dead cat on him. It switches to the kick ass 'Terminator Vision' and shows his possible responses, stuff like: Yes/No, Come Back Later, Or What?, aaaannndd....FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE. Which one does Arnold pick? Of course he drops, "Fuck you, asshole," on the poor janitor.

I admit I really love this one because of how much I love swearing (haven't you noticed?) but really, if you watch a bunch of 80s action movies the heroes/villains only really cuss when its time to wheel out the one liner. Here though, they kind of screwed up the formula. A one liner is supposed to be witty (well witty as in an autistic third grader witty) and campy as shit. Throw a heavy swear word at the end and BAM, you have an 80s one liner. Here though, its just something we have all said to somebody (and depending on how much you drink: maybe a lot of people) and delivered in the vane of a one liner. In short, this is a good one because it is a terrible example of a one liner.

An example of the classic one liner formula is Sarah Connor when she says, "You're terminated, fucker!" See, take some third grade autism wit (teehee he is the terminator and he is terminated!) and then throw in a heavy swear word, classic!

(1985) Commando

Ok, so far this isn't going so well. I had to start with a movie I hadn't seen in a long time and then had to move onto one that everyone knows like the backside of their dick. So cut me some slack. Especially since I am onto Commando now, which happens to be one of my all time favorites.

If you haven't seen it Commando is the classic formula of: (A) Retired badass super solider + (B) kidnapped friend/family/pet(?) + (C) REVENGE! KILL! DESTROY!. In this case Arnold plays the kidnapped daughter of Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby dawns his pattened 44....No I am kidding. Arnold's daughter gets kidnapped and he has to whoop ten kinds of ass dropping one liners left and right (and occasionally right at your mother).

•  Arnold kills someone with a pipe, "Let of some steam, Benny."
• "I eat Green Berets for breakfast! And right now...I am very hungry!"
• Arnold kills a man on a plane, "Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired."
• Someone asks what happened to a dude, whom Arnold has dropped off of a cliff. Arnolds reply, "I let him go."
• Arnold tries to start a plane, "Come on you piece of shit, fly or die!" Suddenly, the thing starts up, "Works every time."
• The chick of the movie tells him that his plane is just a canoe with a wings. Arnold's response? "Well then get in and start paddling."

Seriously, if you got a nickel for everytime Arnold dropped a one liner, well you would probably have enough to get a couple burgers at McDonald's. If you haven't seen this one (or Your Respective God help you, have never seen it) check it out again...in memory of the one liners!

Alright, alright I will give you a break...for now. Look for part two to this little rant (probably in the next few days or so) where I finish off Arnold's rocking run as the action man of the 80s. Actually shit, it might take me a part three and four to do that! Either way, keep checking in for more of this and other mundane bullshit I take pride in!

- The Bus