Through some sloppy research, a roommate that watches an ass fuck amount of TV (what the fuck do you call it now that you can watch it on your computer TVBNRBIOTC ((television but not really because it's on the computer))?), and my own broke view of reality...I have concocted a rough draft of The Greatest TV Show Ever. Also, there are no named characters thus far (and I won't promise there ever will be because I STILL have to finish the fucking Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat thing, so yeah...) so just kinda fill in the blanks.
Episode 00 AWESOME FUCKING PILOT, LETS DO THIS SHIT
*****
Intro (TRT 00:00:00)
We open with a shaky cam, ultra edgy, POV chase between generic bad guy and a cop (Will be a main character. Can't be too tough looking. Has to seem like he is really trying and might actually fail. Unflappably attractive. White. Not gay). After some crazy (i.e. generic) hard rock screams at the viewer, some people get shot for no reason, and lots of trash cans are overturned the perp is finally tackled. The cop delivers his one liner and puts on sunglasses.
(TRT 00:05:39)
*****
Transition: Lots of IN YOUR FUCKING FACE (IYFF) flashes of crazy shit
*****
Act 1 (TRT 00:05:47)
We come out of our IYFF to the inside of a hospital where gunshot victims are being rushed in in quick succession. Keen viewers will note that these are all the gun shot victims of Generic Bad Guy (GBG) and Super Cop With Human Faults (SCHF). We meet our other handful of main characters: the hospital guys. Very diverse, like Noah's fucking arc of hospital dudes, (a one by the books dude, a by the books but really attractive chick, just an attractive chick, the guy that doesn't believe in rules and only the greater good, a black guy who does nothing more than try to prove the director isn't racist, the gay guy to toss in 'funny' but ultimately insensitive dialog, a 'funny' guy that really doesn't do anything, and an ugly chick trying to find her place).
These guys start yelling jargon to make the viewer feel 'there'. They argue over the best way to handle each patient. The gay guy says something 'funny'. The black guy looks wise and says the most intelligent of things (because the director is not racist, dammit). The two most attractive leads flirt while trying to heal, tensions rise. The ugly chick freaks the fuck out because no one likes her, because she is ugly.
Finally, the guy who doesn't follow rules (GDFR) breaks ALL of the rules because that is what he is fucking there for. This will happen every single episode. No one will get sick of this, ever. Of course his strange methods save the day. He is then arrested for malpractice.
(TRT 00:19:29)
*****
Transition: That first act was totally reeling in all the chicks, lets bring the guys back with more IYFF
*****
Act 2 (TRT 00:19:37)
Time for the intense court room drama part of our show. Here we meet our last major character. Controversial defense attorney WHO NEVER BACKS DOWN. He is defending our GDFR and is laying down all sorts of TV courtroom logic. This goes back and forth between the prosecution and the defense complete with lots of outbursts, yelling things like 'OBJECTION!' 'BADGERING THE WITNESS!' 'I MIGHT BE DRUNK!', and at least one fist fight.
It doesn't look good for our GDFR and his 'for the greater good because I can do whatever the fuck I want' speech was completely shut down. And then terrorists.
Terrorists storm the court room for no fucking reason, but no viewer will care because we love it when terrorists get shot. Suddenly EVERYONE who is white becomes an action hero. Lots of gun shots (but none of the good guys EVER get hit of course) and finally the court room defenders win out. The handsome defense attorney walks over to the last living terrorist and says something along the lines of, "Order in the court!" And then shoots him.
Amazed by his heroism in the face of terrorism, the judge lets our GDFR go.
(TRT 00:40: 23)
*****
Transition: That was fucking awesome! Lets keep it going with more IYFF FUUUCK YEAH!
*****
Final Act (TRT 00:40:31)
MUH FUCKIN' WRAP-UP MONTAGE TIME
Start up a song by some shitty generic indie rock band that was popular three years ago
We see the two attractive doctors sharing a bottle of wine and laughing
The ugly girl cries while she eats a bunch of pills
The GDFR watches the patient who's life he saved and ponders
The defense attorney stands inside an empty court room
The SCHF looks at his gun and takes a shot of whiskey. Flips a picture of a mysterious woman down.
(TRT 00:43:58)
*****
And THAT is how this shit will go down. Every episode the cop dude will do something that gives the hospital people a job to do. The hospital people will do their shit, flirt, fight, break-up, get back together, bone, and (in the Ugly Girl's case) cry and drink on the job. The rule breaker will break rules, save the day, and get arrested. Court room drama will go down. Terrorists will get shot. And a shitty indie rock song from no later than 2008 will play as the show concludes and show what the characters are up to. Try and tell me this wouldn't be awesome.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Things That Infuriate The Bus, College Bar Edition!
So, if you have followed this blog ever since and stumbled into life leaving a trail of vulgarities and cheap whiskey, you know that I am an angry fucking person. I hate 95% of what you like (unless you love Grant Morrison, Eraserhead, cheap beer, and a decent scotch) and enjoy drinking a lot of beer. So, I have decided to go on yet another tirade. My target this time? My least favorite drinking establishment, ever.
College Bars. What A Pile Of Dicks
1.) Turn that music off. I hate it. Seriously, what the fuck is this?
Yes, I get it. I can't expect to go to every bar and get to hear music that I like. Yes, I get it. This is what they call club music. This is what trashy girls like to get hammered to and then cry about daddy issues.
I accept that some places are going to play this 'make this drunk white girl act like a whore' music and I am going to have to deal with it. Wrong! There actually is some really good club music. A lot of it actually. Fuck, Europe has been doing this ever since...ever? However, the majority of shitty college bars just play hastily mixed Top 100 Hits and watch as the clothing and pride fall off. If I could get so drunk that I actually, willingly go to one of these fucking places (brandy generally makes me retarded), I might actually have fun if there were some legitimately decent mixes or, your-God fucking help everey one, a live DJ.
2.) Bartenders tend to not understand how tipping works
This one can technically happen anywhere; BUT, I tend to see it much more often at 'trendy college dance club A'. A lot of my friends know that I can be a bit of a controversial tipper. I don't auto tip, I think that is fucking stupid. I tend not to buy any drinks that require an advanced alcoholic knowledge to concoct. No, quite the opposite: I want cold your-God damn beer in a (chilled, if it isn't too much) your-God damn mug (DO NOT give me a plastic cup or I will take a shit in the corner of your establishment. I worked hard to live to the legal drinking age dammit, reward me and give me a fucking man's cup). Last I checked, pouring beer into a cup is pretty easy, the most you can fuck up is the head on the beer (and if you do, I don't feel bad mocking it).
So, no...you haven't done anything to earn a tip yet. What's that? Oh, you want the tip? Well then fucking earn it. No, you don't have to suck my dick. Just be a decent human being, please. I am a guest in your establishment. Say hello, chat me up for the 30 seconds it takes to pour my beer, and then tell me to have a great night. Bam! You just earned a dollar tip! Considering my beer cost a dollar and I gave you a dollar, you are doing pretty good!
Oh and if you are unfortunate enough to be working in an establishment that charges more than two dollars for a pint of domestic (as in Budweiser, Pabst, Miller, etc.,), sorry but you are just fucking out of luck. I will explain to you that, "Sorry, I can't tip because your bar is charging me out the ass for my gross, generic beer. Take it up with management."
3.) What's the minimum on cards? Ten dollars. FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU
I was recently edumacated on the reason behind card minimums. OK, so the bar is getting whacked by the credit card company every time they have to swipe in for a one dollar beer. Then it would make sense for the bar to require him to charge up a certain amount so that the bar only gets charged one swipe. THIS IS ALL MAKING SENSE!
But its not actually suppose to happen. Most credit card companies state that the establishment is supposed to take the card as long as it is valid. I mean, you don't see ten dollar minimums at Wal-Mart, now do you? However, you would have to be a damned smooth talker (or Arnold Schwarzenegger) to get a bar to back down on its minimum.
College Bars. What A Pile Of Dicks
1.) Turn that music off. I hate it. Seriously, what the fuck is this?
Yes, I get it. I can't expect to go to every bar and get to hear music that I like. Yes, I get it. This is what they call club music. This is what trashy girls like to get hammered to and then cry about daddy issues.
'YEAH, I LOVE THIS FUCKING BEAT! And he totally made me do this to his dick.'
I accept that some places are going to play this 'make this drunk white girl act like a whore' music and I am going to have to deal with it. Wrong! There actually is some really good club music. A lot of it actually. Fuck, Europe has been doing this ever since...ever? However, the majority of shitty college bars just play hastily mixed Top 100 Hits and watch as the clothing and pride fall off. If I could get so drunk that I actually, willingly go to one of these fucking places (brandy generally makes me retarded), I might actually have fun if there were some legitimately decent mixes or, your-God fucking help everey one, a live DJ.
2.) Bartenders tend to not understand how tipping works
This one can technically happen anywhere; BUT, I tend to see it much more often at 'trendy college dance club A'. A lot of my friends know that I can be a bit of a controversial tipper. I don't auto tip, I think that is fucking stupid. I tend not to buy any drinks that require an advanced alcoholic knowledge to concoct. No, quite the opposite: I want cold your-God damn beer in a (chilled, if it isn't too much) your-God damn mug (DO NOT give me a plastic cup or I will take a shit in the corner of your establishment. I worked hard to live to the legal drinking age dammit, reward me and give me a fucking man's cup). Last I checked, pouring beer into a cup is pretty easy, the most you can fuck up is the head on the beer (and if you do, I don't feel bad mocking it).
So, no...you haven't done anything to earn a tip yet. What's that? Oh, you want the tip? Well then fucking earn it. No, you don't have to suck my dick. Just be a decent human being, please. I am a guest in your establishment. Say hello, chat me up for the 30 seconds it takes to pour my beer, and then tell me to have a great night. Bam! You just earned a dollar tip! Considering my beer cost a dollar and I gave you a dollar, you are doing pretty good!
Oh and if you are unfortunate enough to be working in an establishment that charges more than two dollars for a pint of domestic (as in Budweiser, Pabst, Miller, etc.,), sorry but you are just fucking out of luck. I will explain to you that, "Sorry, I can't tip because your bar is charging me out the ass for my gross, generic beer. Take it up with management."
3.) What's the minimum on cards? Ten dollars. FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU
I was recently edumacated on the reason behind card minimums. OK, so the bar is getting whacked by the credit card company every time they have to swipe in for a one dollar beer. Then it would make sense for the bar to require him to charge up a certain amount so that the bar only gets charged one swipe. THIS IS ALL MAKING SENSE!
But its not actually suppose to happen. Most credit card companies state that the establishment is supposed to take the card as long as it is valid. I mean, you don't see ten dollar minimums at Wal-Mart, now do you? However, you would have to be a damned smooth talker (or Arnold Schwarzenegger) to get a bar to back down on its minimum.
No
Honestly, I don't give a flying rat's ass if there is like a three dollar minimum or something. I guarantee I will be able to drink a few beers. However, when it starts getting to the ten dollar range, now I am pissed. There was one time where I had to literally tip out a bartender (who was a brainless cunted twat fuck) seven dollars because I could only spend eight dollars out of a fifteen dollar minimum before we wanted to leave.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Congratulations Amazon: You Finally Took Down the Pedophile Guide
So, if you haven't been following the news, the 158,221st Best-Selling E-Book on Amazon was The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure. If you have not even heard about this unbelievable shit, there is no way to dumb it down: it is literally that. It is allegedly created to establish ground rules for pedophiles to keep the children safe. This is retarded. Why, why would any sane human being write this. Fuck, why would any sane human being even fucking think about this? Also, even if you can somehow (I don't want to ever meet you in person if you can) see how this is potentially useful, it also gives tips on how not to get caught. Fuck.
What can possibly make this worse? Look at the title of this entry. The thing was the fucking 158,221st Best-Selling E-Book on Amazon.com. Oh, but how many books can there really be available for the Kindle? A simple Google search will reveal that for the most current Kindle, there are 255,000 E-Books available. This piece of filth fucking beat out 96,779 other books.
What can possibly make a fast selling, pedophile guide even worse? The fucker only cost about five bucks. Five fucking dollars? For the price of two forty ounce bottles of Old English any pedophile could pick this thing up. Alright, so how many Kindles have been sold? I mean, we can hope a lot of pedophiles aren't armed with Kindles. Well, as of July this year, it is estimated that four million of the things have sold. That means that roughly one in seventy-five people in the United States. Let us look at it this way, according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children there are 705,000 convicted sex offenders in the United States. Using my guesstimate above, we could make a reasonable guess that 9400 of these people could acquire this terrifying 'guide'. Holy fuck sticks.
What the hell is wrong with you Amazon? Seriously, just take a moment and really think about what the fuck you just did. I think at this point, even Kanye West would call you a fucking moron.
Amazon, I admittedly never bought too many products from you. However, that will continue to stay that way. I really can't see any foreseeable way to move past this and truly forgive you. I really hope that I am not the only one that feels like they were kicked in the dick by stupidity. I really hope people will think really hard about supporting a company that wouldn't stand up against this heaping pile of elephant shit out of fear of being hit for censorship. You are fucking Amazon dot fuck com. Do you really think a bunch of pedophile writers would really stand up, let alone win against you in court. Were you really worried about losing customers? Maybe you should have read a few of those negative and slanderous reviews before deleting them. People would have stood with you. Well, maybe except the fucking pedophiles you sold this to.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. WERE. YOU. THINKING/DRINKING?
Conclusion: Amazon.com...potentially run by and for pedophiles of America. You're a bunch of twatted cunts.
-The Bus
What can possibly make this worse? Look at the title of this entry. The thing was the fucking 158,221st Best-Selling E-Book on Amazon.com. Oh, but how many books can there really be available for the Kindle? A simple Google search will reveal that for the most current Kindle, there are 255,000 E-Books available. This piece of filth fucking beat out 96,779 other books.
What can possibly make a fast selling, pedophile guide even worse? The fucker only cost about five bucks. Five fucking dollars? For the price of two forty ounce bottles of Old English any pedophile could pick this thing up. Alright, so how many Kindles have been sold? I mean, we can hope a lot of pedophiles aren't armed with Kindles. Well, as of July this year, it is estimated that four million of the things have sold. That means that roughly one in seventy-five people in the United States. Let us look at it this way, according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children there are 705,000 convicted sex offenders in the United States. Using my guesstimate above, we could make a reasonable guess that 9400 of these people could acquire this terrifying 'guide'. Holy fuck sticks.
Jesus fucking tits, I am moving to Nevada
Alright, what could possibly make a fast selling, pedophile guide that can be easily acquired by the (I shudder typing these words) target audience even worse? Amazon, for a while (they literally just took it down today), refused to take it down. They stated that (in summary), 'Though Amazon does not condone any criminal acts it is censorship for us to remove one book because we find their message objectionable.' Objectionable? There are a lot of fucking things that I find objectionable. There are lots of fucking things that a lot of damn people find objectionable. This is a fucking go to guide for pedophiles. Taking George Bush's bullshit memoir off the shelf because a bunch of people think it is horse shit is objectionable. Taking this pile of filth off market is just doing the right fucking thing.
How could Amazon save face? Fucking take all of the credit card and contact information from every single sale of that piece of shit and hand it over to the FBI. No one is going to babble about ethics and the moral repercussions for compromising thousands of peoples privacy because they are fucking pedophiles. No one that is not a pedophile is going to buy this book. Do you know how much the list of convicted sex offenders would grow if they did that? However many fucking people bought that fucking book.
You could have made my job a lot easier, Amazon.
What the hell is wrong with you Amazon? Seriously, just take a moment and really think about what the fuck you just did. I think at this point, even Kanye West would call you a fucking moron.
Amazon, I admittedly never bought too many products from you. However, that will continue to stay that way. I really can't see any foreseeable way to move past this and truly forgive you. I really hope that I am not the only one that feels like they were kicked in the dick by stupidity. I really hope people will think really hard about supporting a company that wouldn't stand up against this heaping pile of elephant shit out of fear of being hit for censorship. You are fucking Amazon dot fuck com. Do you really think a bunch of pedophile writers would really stand up, let alone win against you in court. Were you really worried about losing customers? Maybe you should have read a few of those negative and slanderous reviews before deleting them. People would have stood with you. Well, maybe except the fucking pedophiles you sold this to.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. WERE. YOU. THINKING/DRINKING?
Conclusion: Amazon.com...potentially run by and for pedophiles of America. You're a bunch of twatted cunts.
-The Bus
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Things That Infuriate The Bus
Alright, so the blog has been quite dead the last few days week, my apologies. I have been suffering from some serious writer's block thanks in part to stress and general brain fuckery. So, to try and push through the murkiness I will just go off on a tangent and babble nigh endlessly about some things that can really piss me off.
First off, the things that send me off the handle are a bit odd. Mainly because I really am not too political nor religious. The religious thing is my own choosing. I refuse to blast people on their religion as long as they aren't rubbing it in my face, being extreme about it, representing Scientology, or knocking on my door. The political thing is just an embarrassing failure on my part. Thanks to general laziness and lack of interest over the course of my life, I now know fuck little in politics. So, the things that get me going are generally societal or just being a twat.
1. Not Believing In Favorites
Alright, so there is this thing that some people will do that they either think is cute or is a result of their mother drinking heavily while they were still chilling out in the womb. You ask them, "Hey, what is your favorite band or if that is too much then what is your favorite genre." Then something perplexing happens, it looks like you hit them with a fucking brick and told them to thank you. BE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING. Movies, books, music, make some shit up to sound politically in the know (I won't be able to fucking tell), just something! Now, I understand, as you get older you start becoming inundated with things that matter (i.e. kids, kicking your kids for being stupid, complaining about your kids, drinking because of your kids, running away from your kids) and music and movies start to fade to the way side. That is acceptable. I know that yelling at children is a full time thing and can respect you for it. However, if you are a twenty something with no responsibilities except stumbling through school, drinking through the weekends (and occasionally the weekdays), paying your first few big boy bills, and masturbating in public...I don't think its too far fetched to ask you to build some passion for something.
2. People Who's Definition Of Hip Is Getting Drunk At A College Bar And Fucking Like Heat Seeking Missile
Alright, this one certainly takes some explanation. See, I hate overly hip people (hipsters can make me want to fuck my disk drive out of pure hatred) and I hate people who's only knowledge of hip shit (I also fucking hate the word hip) is what is on the billboard top one hundred, what is currently in the Weird Shit Your Weird Friend Likes section of the Netflix Instant Demand, and whatever weird song that strange bearded man was finger banging you to last Friday. People tell me to socialize more and make more friends but its kind of hard to talk to people when they look at you like a horse looks at his rapist farmer on Moonshine Mondays when you talk about anything that isn't Nickleback or Generic Auto-Tuned Hip Hop Failure Number 76453 (seriously is there a factory where they fucking just shit those things out of? If so I'd like to take a drunken guided tour and cause some mayhem). Just learn about a few things! Just something you can name drop or at least listen to for more than ten fucking seconds when someone who isn't a cookie cutter copy of 'drunk frat guy I am going to fuck to death tonight' starts up a conversation.
3. People Who Look At Me Funny Or Your God Help Me, Try To Make Jokes About 40 Ouncers
Look, I get it. Hobos drink forties. I know, its shocking that someone else may have noticed this about the forty ounce. I can't really tell you where your sharp wit and jaw dropping observational skills went wrong. You know what else they like? Your girlfriend when you feed her too much Keystone Ice and forgot which curb you left her on because you just had to go fist pump with that totally cool bro you played, "Which of our dicks looks more like Mark Hamill," last week. Alright that was just one of the jokes that got me kicked out of a party last week (also, don't tell a dudes girlfriend that she has a moon face and then ask how much he has to drink to properly apply the paper bag and fuck it) when The Bus drank too much and just couldn't possibly take one more forty ounce joke. You know why I drink them? For the same fucking reason homeless people do. They are cheap, get you drunk, and actually taste better than the swill most college kids drink. So, it really isn't a joke. It is an observation. An observation that the homeless are actually more intelligent (when it comes to getting pant shitting drunk) than you, you fucking twat. This is also where my expression, "We're gonna get homeless drunk tonight!" comes from.
First off, the things that send me off the handle are a bit odd. Mainly because I really am not too political nor religious. The religious thing is my own choosing. I refuse to blast people on their religion as long as they aren't rubbing it in my face, being extreme about it, representing Scientology, or knocking on my door. The political thing is just an embarrassing failure on my part. Thanks to general laziness and lack of interest over the course of my life, I now know fuck little in politics. So, the things that get me going are generally societal or just being a twat.
1. Not Believing In Favorites
Alright, so there is this thing that some people will do that they either think is cute or is a result of their mother drinking heavily while they were still chilling out in the womb. You ask them, "Hey, what is your favorite band or if that is too much then what is your favorite genre." Then something perplexing happens, it looks like you hit them with a fucking brick and told them to thank you. BE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING. Movies, books, music, make some shit up to sound politically in the know (I won't be able to fucking tell), just something! Now, I understand, as you get older you start becoming inundated with things that matter (i.e. kids, kicking your kids for being stupid, complaining about your kids, drinking because of your kids, running away from your kids) and music and movies start to fade to the way side. That is acceptable. I know that yelling at children is a full time thing and can respect you for it. However, if you are a twenty something with no responsibilities except stumbling through school, drinking through the weekends (and occasionally the weekdays), paying your first few big boy bills, and masturbating in public...I don't think its too far fetched to ask you to build some passion for something.
2. People Who's Definition Of Hip Is Getting Drunk At A College Bar And Fucking Like Heat Seeking Missile
Alright, this one certainly takes some explanation. See, I hate overly hip people (hipsters can make me want to fuck my disk drive out of pure hatred) and I hate people who's only knowledge of hip shit (I also fucking hate the word hip) is what is on the billboard top one hundred, what is currently in the Weird Shit Your Weird Friend Likes section of the Netflix Instant Demand, and whatever weird song that strange bearded man was finger banging you to last Friday. People tell me to socialize more and make more friends but its kind of hard to talk to people when they look at you like a horse looks at his rapist farmer on Moonshine Mondays when you talk about anything that isn't Nickleback or Generic Auto-Tuned Hip Hop Failure Number 76453 (seriously is there a factory where they fucking just shit those things out of? If so I'd like to take a drunken guided tour and cause some mayhem). Just learn about a few things! Just something you can name drop or at least listen to for more than ten fucking seconds when someone who isn't a cookie cutter copy of 'drunk frat guy I am going to fuck to death tonight' starts up a conversation.
3. People Who Look At Me Funny Or Your God Help Me, Try To Make Jokes About 40 Ouncers
Look, I get it. Hobos drink forties. I know, its shocking that someone else may have noticed this about the forty ounce. I can't really tell you where your sharp wit and jaw dropping observational skills went wrong. You know what else they like? Your girlfriend when you feed her too much Keystone Ice and forgot which curb you left her on because you just had to go fist pump with that totally cool bro you played, "Which of our dicks looks more like Mark Hamill," last week. Alright that was just one of the jokes that got me kicked out of a party last week (also, don't tell a dudes girlfriend that she has a moon face and then ask how much he has to drink to properly apply the paper bag and fuck it) when The Bus drank too much and just couldn't possibly take one more forty ounce joke. You know why I drink them? For the same fucking reason homeless people do. They are cheap, get you drunk, and actually taste better than the swill most college kids drink. So, it really isn't a joke. It is an observation. An observation that the homeless are actually more intelligent (when it comes to getting pant shitting drunk) than you, you fucking twat. This is also where my expression, "We're gonna get homeless drunk tonight!" comes from.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Conversations with a very drunk and very confused God
Thanks to this awesome website http://www.titane.ca/igod/main.html you can totally chat with God! So I decided to get down to some shit that I have been pondering for a good, long while.
Me:
Hey God
God:
Hello child. What's your name?
Me:
Ryan
God:
How are you, Ryan.
Me:
I am ok, I suppose
God:
OK.
Me:
How are you?
God:
I am fine, thank you.
Me:
Sweet
God:
Thank you for that remark.
Me:
So, I have a question
God:
So? Ask me anything.
Me:
Alright, so what is your opinion on these Tea Bagger douche fucks?
God:
So? Is there only one?
Me:
So what is your opinion on these Tea Bagging douche fucks?
God:
So? Is there only one?
Me:
What? No, no there is a whole metric fuck ton of them
God:
Are you confused? Are you serious? Are you serious? Is there only one?
Me:
No!
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
YES!
God:
I can't believe it.
Me:
Uhhhh...right
God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that. I am glad we agree.
Me:
No I disagree entirely, what are you talking about? Do I smell bourbon?
God:
Are you serious? Oh really. All of them? Not that I know of.
Me:
.....
God:
Are you serious? Oh really. All of them? Not that I know of.
Me:
Ok, that didn't work. Next question
God:
What would work? Yikes! Do you have any hobbies?
Me:
Masturbating furiously and drinking until I can't spell 'five'. Those are hobbies right?
God:
What makes it impossible? All of them?
Me:
No trust me, it is quite possible
God:
Are you serious? Don't you think it's likely?
Me:
Likely that you are drunk? Yes that seems highly likely
God:
Interesting observation. Aw. You don't hear that sentiment very often.
Me:
YOU ARE A VERY CONFUSED OLD MAN
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a CONFUSED OLD MAN? Yes.
Me:
Wow, that takes some almighty balls to just accept that
God:
I'm glad you're impressed. " Yes." takes some almighty balls to just accept that ? I get it.
Me:
....I am sure you do.
God:
What makes you so certain? When do I do it?
Me:
Ok, next question.
God:
Do you have any hobbies? Excuse me!
Me:
I just told you my hobbies earlier!
God:
I remember you told me your hobbies earlier?
Me:
How did you turn that into a question? That...that is impressive
God:
Myself programmed me for it. That is " Myself programmed me for it.". " That is " Myself programmed me for it.""? is impressive?
Me:
How drunk are you?
God:
Let me put it this way, Ryan. The ALICE series is for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.
Me:
Ummmm
God:
Are you a man or a woman?
Me:
I am a man
God:
Thanks for telling me your gender, Ryan. You are a " he".
Me:
HURRAY!
God:
What were we talking about again?
Me:
God, you have a problem
God:
Even robots have problems sometimes.
Me:
YOU ARE GOD, NOT A ROBOT...I THINK
God:
Yup. That's me alright.
Me:
You are drunk
God:
I will tell my botmaster you said I am drunk.
Me:
God has a master?
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
Uhhh ok well onto my last question
God:
And? How about that. What's your favorite movie? Really.
Me:
No! I am asking the questions, dammit
God:
Are you serious? Oh I see, you are asking the questions dammit. What is your real name?
Me:
You're a dick
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a dick? Let me put it this way, Ryan: the ALICE series is
the most reliable computer software ever made.
We are for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.
Me:
This is getting creepy
God:
You don't say.
Me:
Was Jesus black?
God:
It depends on whether you have faith.
Me:
That makes literally zero sense
God:
" It depends on whether you have faith." makes literally zero sense ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
Fuck this
God:
Why are you using that kind of language?
Me:
This is literally the only time you have told me to watch my language
God:
You don't say.
Me:
Yeah, I do say it.
God:
Ayuh. How do people usually respond to that? onto your last question...
Me:
Ok, what is your favorite color?
God:
My favorite color is White. Hmm.
Me:
That...that isn't a color
God:
That is " Hmm.". Please correct my mistake. What is a color ?
Me:
Blue...blue is certainly a color
At this point, God apparently passed out drunk and stopped responding. He is going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning. I will try to contact him again in the future
Me:
Hey God
God:
Hello child. What's your name?
Me:
Ryan
God:
How are you, Ryan.
Me:
I am ok, I suppose
God:
OK.
Me:
How are you?
God:
I am fine, thank you.
Me:
Sweet
God:
Thank you for that remark.
Me:
So, I have a question
God:
So? Ask me anything.
Me:
Alright, so what is your opinion on these Tea Bagger douche fucks?
God:
So? Is there only one?
Me:
So what is your opinion on these Tea Bagging douche fucks?
God:
So? Is there only one?
Me:
What? No, no there is a whole metric fuck ton of them
God:
Are you confused? Are you serious? Are you serious? Is there only one?
Me:
No!
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
YES!
God:
I can't believe it.
Me:
Uhhhh...right
God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that. I am glad we agree.
Me:
No I disagree entirely, what are you talking about? Do I smell bourbon?
God:
Are you serious? Oh really. All of them? Not that I know of.
Me:
.....
God:
Are you serious? Oh really. All of them? Not that I know of.
Me:
Ok, that didn't work. Next question
God:
What would work? Yikes! Do you have any hobbies?
Me:
Masturbating furiously and drinking until I can't spell 'five'. Those are hobbies right?
God:
What makes it impossible? All of them?
Me:
No trust me, it is quite possible
God:
Are you serious? Don't you think it's likely?
Me:
Likely that you are drunk? Yes that seems highly likely
God:
Interesting observation. Aw. You don't hear that sentiment very often.
Me:
YOU ARE A VERY CONFUSED OLD MAN
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a CONFUSED OLD MAN? Yes.
Me:
Wow, that takes some almighty balls to just accept that
God:
I'm glad you're impressed. " Yes." takes some almighty balls to just accept that ? I get it.
Me:
....I am sure you do.
God:
What makes you so certain? When do I do it?
Me:
Ok, next question.
God:
Do you have any hobbies? Excuse me!
Me:
I just told you my hobbies earlier!
God:
I remember you told me your hobbies earlier?
Me:
How did you turn that into a question? That...that is impressive
God:
Myself programmed me for it. That is " Myself programmed me for it.". " That is " Myself programmed me for it.""? is impressive?
Me:
How drunk are you?
God:
Let me put it this way, Ryan. The ALICE series is for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.
Me:
Ummmm
God:
Are you a man or a woman?
Me:
I am a man
God:
Thanks for telling me your gender, Ryan. You are a " he".
Me:
HURRAY!
God:
What were we talking about again?
Me:
God, you have a problem
God:
Even robots have problems sometimes.
Me:
YOU ARE GOD, NOT A ROBOT...I THINK
God:
Yup. That's me alright.
Me:
You are drunk
God:
I will tell my botmaster you said I am drunk.
Me:
God has a master?
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
Uhhh ok well onto my last question
God:
And? How about that. What's your favorite movie? Really.
Me:
No! I am asking the questions, dammit
God:
Are you serious? Oh I see, you are asking the questions dammit. What is your real name?
Me:
You're a dick
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a dick? Let me put it this way, Ryan: the ALICE series is
the most reliable computer software ever made.
We are for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.
Me:
This is getting creepy
God:
You don't say.
Me:
Was Jesus black?
God:
It depends on whether you have faith.
Me:
That makes literally zero sense
God:
" It depends on whether you have faith." makes literally zero sense ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
Fuck this
God:
Why are you using that kind of language?
Me:
This is literally the only time you have told me to watch my language
God:
You don't say.
Me:
Yeah, I do say it.
God:
Ayuh. How do people usually respond to that? onto your last question...
Me:
Ok, what is your favorite color?
God:
My favorite color is White. Hmm.
Me:
That...that isn't a color
God:
That is " Hmm.". Please correct my mistake. What is a color ?
Me:
Blue...blue is certainly a color
At this point, God apparently passed out drunk and stopped responding. He is going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning. I will try to contact him again in the future
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