How Not To Sell Video Games On Amazon

Alright, so first things first, I fucking love Amazon. It is officially the only way I buy video games, movies, comic book collections, and books. In this post, I will be talking about that first one...video games and Amazon.

I hate pawnshops because (at least around here) their video game selection is always sub-par and overpriced. They also have a great habit of not letting you see the disc before purchase (I understand them not being in the box to prevent theft, but not letting me inspect it before purchase? What the fuck?) and they generally have a convenient no return policy. So, when you inevitably buy an overpriced and scratched to bejesus and back disc, you are fucked.

Gamestop is a joke if you are looking for anything used. Their prices are at least somewhat fair but their selection is always piled full of the absolute shittiest of shit from the last couple generations of gaming. Also, if you are able to actually find the theoretical needle in the haystack, they will try and up-sell you to death. I sympathize because I too work in customer service and understand that it is required by their job, but holy fuck is it annoying. What are the fucking chances that if I am buying Twisted Metal Black for the PlayStation 2 that I would want a year in X-box Live for free if I pre-order This Next First Person Shooter: World War Clusterfuck 8? 

So, I had heard of the awesome deals you can find on Amazon and decided to check it out and...HOLY FUCKING DONUTS ON A PLATE ON FIRE! This shit is awesome. I am always finding ridiculous deals and they are always sold by reliable people. 

At least, that is how it has been. Lately though, I have had an odd patch of shady deals and questionable selling strategies (all from sellers that had good reviews). I really hope this is just a fluke and not a sign of things I have to look forward to. In case it is not, I decided to pretend that sellers will read this and went ahead and wrote up a few of the worst selling strategies I have run into.

1. Like New Means That The Game Is Like Fucking New

The honesty of sellers on Amazon has, so far, been my favorite aspect of Amazon. For the last few months I have gone through the used section (who really wants to buy an unopened copy of Crash Bandicoot for $69.95?) and chosen to pay a few extra bucks to get the copy listed as 'Like New'. 

You know what 'Like New' should mean? Well, a new game is unopened, in pristine condition, comes with all the case artwork inset, and has a booklet inside. So, a 'Like New' game should be pretty much that except opened and maybe a few forgivable scuffs on the case. It should, indeed, come with the case, artwork inset, booklet, and uhhhh you know, the game. 

I bought these 'Like New' and indeed, they were.

For the longest time, I had no problems picking up games in 'Like New' conditions for a fraction of the price that Gamestop or pawnshops would have sold them. But then something happened. 

I found a great deal on Bushido Blade that was listed as 'Like New'. I jumped at that shit as it is one of my all time favorite fighters for the PlayStation 1. I added it to my cart with a few other gems, checked out, and waited patiently. 

A few days later I got a small, jewel case shaped package in the mail. I was so excited, I knew it was Bushido Blade because it was the only PlayStation 1 game I had ordered. But something was off. Something was very off indeed. The package was very thin, way too thin to be a jewel case. So, I timidly opened my package, not knowing what to expect and I got this:

'Like New' like my dick!

What the fucking shit is that? That is a disc in a floppy sleeve. No game manual. No art. Just a disc and that ugly ass sleeve. How can you even think to label that as 'Like New'? How the duck fuck could a person do that? 

Now, don't get me wrong. I have and will buy these 'disc in a sleeve' deals. I actually have a few of them. But when I bought them, I knew exactly what I was buying. The seller clearly stated that 'The disc has zero scratches but I have long since lost the case and booklet and will have to send it to you in a floppy sleeve.' Also, they are generally kind enough to sell it to you for spare-ass-change because of the lack of anything but the disc. 

So, I like to pretend that human beings aren't always awful and this guy was just scared no one would buy it (he had great reviews on a bunch of shit he had sold), and decided to lie to get it sold. So let me tell you, honesty will still sell. As long as the game disc is clean and plays, someone will grab it. Just tell people straight up that it plays but has no case or booklet (and maybe to show good faith to the buyer, sell it for a bit cheaper than the average 'Used' condition asking price).

2. Be Honest With The Product You Are Selling

This kind of fits in with the previous statement, but it has nothing to do with the condition of the product. This is when people straight up lie about the product they are selling. 

The best example I have is very recently when I was seeking a new PlayStation 2 controller. I am one of those finicky bastards that will not touch a generic controller. My general experience with them is that they feel weird in my hands and or have less than desirable button feedback and or simply have crap buttons (too clunky, too big, too small, too sticky, etc,.). 

So, I was shopping around for a PS2 Dual Shock 2 controller, new preferably. I found the dream controller. The picture and description were all showing me the exact controller I wanted, unopened in it's original damn box. And it was going for a solid price. Now that, is class! So, I checked into the seller and saw that he had eighteen solid reviews and bought the fuck out of that. 

Yesterday, a big ol' package arrived and I knew what that fucker was! I was so excited to tear open my new parcel and carefully unpack the brand new controller, soaking in every inch of new plastic scent (I know there are others that love that smell, it isn't just me). 

I pulled it out and yep, it was brand new in it's original box but it was not my Dual Shock 2 pad. It came in a box that looked just like the DS2's box and the controller even looked like the DS2. But printed on the side were the fucking words, 'Analog Controller 2'. What...what the fuck? The controller looked just like this, except mine isn't wireless (I haven't managed to take a picture of my own yet):

DOPPELGANGER! 

In all fairness, the pad plays just fine. The buttons are just a bit stiff, but I am sure with a few months of use I will come to break it in (or stop noticing). All my complaints come down to the whole concept of the sell. I didn't come in looking for a Chinese (no racism, it was made in China) generic Analog Controller 2. I came in looking for a fucking Dual Shock 2 controller, dammit. If I wanted an Analog Controller 2, I would have been searching for one, wouldn't I? 

If this guy had labeled his product with a proper picture and a description making note that it plays just like the real thing, I probably wouldn't have bought it. So I understand why he decided to be a deceiving dick, but fuck me! That sucks! This is exactly why I left pawnshops and other stores behind! I wanted to buy reliable products from reliable vendors. 

So please, don't tell people they are buying one thing and sell them another. Just be fucking honest and hope someone buys it. Even though the product works just fine, I still gave the guy a bad review, explaining that I had been duped and the principal of the matter is what warranted a crap review from me, if you think I am a dick for doing so...I won't be buying from you. 

3. Japan And America Are Rather Different In Formatting  

Again, this blends in well with the other two categories, but it is a bit different and I didn't want to just write one big block of text. This has to do with the fact that Japanese formatted video games do not play on American formatted consoles.

So, I got my copy of Bushido Blade (even if it is in a fucking sleeve) and wanted the sequel as I had never played it before and felt an urge to check it out. I fished around  and found an awesome deal on a copy of it in 'Like New' condition. With this image as the product picture:

Now, I am not an idiot (well, I am...but not when it comes to video games) and know about formatting issues. I in fact own a few Japanese formatted games that weren't released over here and the proper chip patch to play them. However, I only had one controller so I planned to play it on the PlayStation 2. So I checked, and yep...that is certainly the Western cover of the game, and no where in the description had he indicated that it might be anything more than it seemed. Hurray!

A few days go by and once again, I get an uppercut of disappointment mailed to me. I open up the parcel and I must give the seller serious credit for knowing what 'Like New' means. I think he even took the art out of the original jewel case and replaced it with a whole new one because there wasn't even a damn fingerprint on the case. But there was one thing seriously wrong here, the case looked like this:

Fuck.

Sure enough, I had gotten the Japanese version of the game. I was a bit miffed, but at least I had my old modded PlayStation 1 that could play this particular format. I would just have to buy a second controller when I had the chance, not a big deal. However, this game informed me that the old workhorse had gone out to pasture. I could have fucking cried (but instead, I did what a man does when a loved one dies: I bought two 40oz of Olde English). I remember when I got the damn thing for my seventh birthday in 1996 and it had been with me ever since. So now, I had a game I couldn't play and the death of a beloved console on my hands. Fuck.

So don't do that. Figure out what fucking version of a game you have and sell it as such. Or else you might just break the heart of a twenty-two year old, gaming drunk. 

R.I.P.

Playstation 1

August 23, 1996 - December 21, 2011
This Christmas will be colder than usual. You will be missed, more than likely replaced, but never forgotten.

The Dark Knight Rises: My Second Look

So way back in January, when the Catwoman and Bane were just announced for the new Batman movie, I launched straight into angry nerd mode and lashed out at the decision. Though I tried to be fair and let people know that I was still rather positive the movie would still be ball-rockingly awesome, I was still pretty harsh and critical.

The suit had BatNipples. Fucking BATNIPPLES! AAAGGHHH!

Now that the second trailer has been released and a seven minute prologue occasionally pops up online (a Bane action scene and a few snippets at the end) when it isn't getting yanked by Big Brother, I feel that I need to take a second look and, most importantly, say that...I was really fucking wrong.

First of all here is my raging first opinion

*****

To start, my first point made in that original piece still kind of stands. If you were too lazy to skim over that first article, here is a quick summary:

I was hoping that, like the first movie, Nolan would cap off the trilogy by bringing one or more new villains to the screen. And despite all the differences, added realism, and gritty seriousness I just will not be as wowed by having these two characters brought to life because I have seen them done before (even if it was shitty). 

Well, that is still mostly true. Now, if you are wondering how in the fuck can that be mostly true (I mean most fucking people are either surprised or they are not, right?), hear me out. I am still not surprised by the characters themselves, but I am surprised by how they look.

And no one looked even half as ridiculous!

Bane looks surprisingly un-Bane like (which is a bloody fucking good thing, when shooting for realism), as he isn't a hulking giant, there are no Venom tubes running into his mask, and (so far) no Venom bullshit at all. All he has is his mask and scary (but not unseemly) size.

We have barely seen anything of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman (aside from a couple crappy still shots), but we have gotten to see her as Selina Kyle. If the line she delivers in the newest trailer is any clue, she is going to light that role on fire and shove it up the ass of everyone who doubted her being cast for the role. She looks/sounds/moves (if you know Catwoman, just the way Hathaway carries herself in the trailer is perfect) in a stunningly believable way (for someone playing a character called Catwoman).

So, all-in-all, I halfway concede my original point as I admit to being very surprised by how great Anne Hathaway and Tom Hardy look in their respectful roles (I was also kind of expecting this to happen when I looked back on how much flack Heath Ledger caught before people actually saw him as The Joker).

*****

The second thing I bring up in the original post doesn't require much revisiting as the majority of it is just me living in Batman fanatic dreamland and cooking up a pipe dream where someone just made a trilogy out of Knightfall.

Oh wait, it looks like Nolan is using a fuck ton of Knightfall for source material and is going to be delivering pretty much everything I idly dreamed about in the original post. Fuck me.

The biggest thing from Knightfall, is that Bane breaks the Bats' back. It seems that Nolan may be following that road as in the second trailer, you can see reflections of him walking with a cane and a bad limp, Bane delivers his only line in the trailer to an unmasked and terrified looking Bruce. So, whether or not we get to see the Bat get broken, is still to be revealed. But at least it is pretty much confirmed that Bane is going to fuck his day up, really badly.

Pictured: things that are about to end badly.

Second, there seems to be an awesome prison break in Gotham. It is plain as day and highlighted in the trailer, holy awesome titties! That is exactly one of the things I was rambling about that made Knightfall so rad, Bane breaking out all the loonies and siccing them on the city. Sure, it isn't the ridiculous list of B-listers that get unleashed in the comic book, but that would be suicide for Nolan to try and implement. So, I will gladly take Bane unleashing a horde of prisoners on the city instead.

Don't think they are auditioning for the new Village People...

The third biggest thing that made Knightfall important was Bane's intelligence. In Knightfall, he wasn't just a big idiotic brute. No, he was a genius, criminal mastermind, and decidedly insane brute. He didn't just break the Bat physically, he broke him mentally. He beat the Batman on all levels present. Well, it is looking like Nolan is going with that version of Bane, if the prologue is anything to go on.

Speaking of the prologue, I am not going to ruin it anyone, as it is a whole seven minutes of the movie and completely crapped on by the grainy footage and shit sound. All I will say is that it definitely shows us that Nolan's Bane is capable of pulling off incredibly intelligent, daring crimes. This one quite nearly puts the bank robbery at the beginning of The Dark Knight to shame.

So yep, despite my second point not really being a point and more just delusional fantasy, it seems my pipe dream is coming true. Well, at least as much of it as realistically can.

*****

The third thing I bring up in that original fart in the wind is a simple pondering as to what kind of Catwoman we will be seeing, as there are many different interpretations of the character all throughout the comics.

And as I said earlier, we have yet to see even a glimmer of the answer. However, we have gotten a really great look at Selina Kyle and that should reveal a lot about the type of Catwoman that will be gracing our presence. And I can firmly say, I think it is going to be awesome.

Hopefully better than the screenshots suggest, at least.

This is what she says to Bruce in the trailer during a dance, "Do you think this is gonna last? There's a storm coming, Mr. Wayne. You and your friends better batten down the hatches, because when it hits, you're all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us"

That right there, ladies and gentlemen, is some class warfare shit. It also helps that the trailer instantly cuts to rich people getting exploded and dragged out from under furniture. This kitty is going to tear shit up and is probably going to play a very complicated role in the fight for Gotham City. What with Bane representing the lower class and turning the city back over to the every man instead of the rich, but Batman representing true justice...holy fuck! Things are going to get insane really fast.

*****

The fourth point really has no need to revisit. It is just the fear that Spider-Man 3 has instilled in me, a fear that will last until the end of time. The fear of a great director taking a great series and piling too much on his plate for the finale and shitting all over everything.

Oh my! I am covered in fuck!

Not much to revisit because only time will really tell. We are just going to have to wait until next Summer to see how Nolan plays his final hand.

*****

Finally comes my last point and the one that I feel I need to dismiss the most. I had stated in the original entry that this third movie was going to feel way more like a comic book action movie rather than a dramatically told, fleshed out tale of the highs and lows of being a hero.

This newest trailer has obviously told me that I need to eat my own balls out of shame for ever doubting how Nolan will end the trilogy. This movie is going to be fantastic. The newest trailer shows how much he has invested in this film and how much he wants you to love it.

I can't fucking wait.

Three Ways To Ensure That Customer Service Doesn't Hate You

Alright, now I realize that most of those that might read this probably are working in customer service and the rest will hopefully already have these basic concepts down. I am mainly writing this because I have no idea how to handle my feelings if I am not yelling, drunk, or both. Seeing as I have no one to frighten with passionate swearing at ten in the morning, I decided to instead turn it into an article.

So yeah, customer service is pretty much getting paid fuck nothing to get kicked in the chest repeatedly. I have worked customer service nearly all of my short life. The only time I wasn't dealing with pricks and bitches was when I was cutting down trees in Idaho and generally wishing for death or when I was briefly a dishwasher and generally wishing for alcohol poisoning.

I have been a bitch for the moderately Midwest wealthy (who all acted like they were Fortune 500) at a golf course, I have made sandwiches, I have delivered sandwiches, and now I am working the front desk at a hotel. With these jobs as experience, I have compiled this short list of how to get along with your friendly neighborhood errand bitch even better, enjoy!


1. Always Remember, I Don't Give A Single Fuck.


This is the first thing you need to get into your head. The guy/lady fetching drinks/ringing your bill/getting you a room/whatever the fuck is paid to be nice, smiling, and friendly. So, yeah, if I have to I will listen all day and night long about how your son fist fucked his teacher and your sister Suzy can't pay her rent with home grown pot or whatever the shit you are slinging pertains to. I will listen to it all with a smile, nod and the friendliest, 'Oh, really?' that I can possibly muster.

They always end up sounding like this

But that is the thing, it is 'I will listen' and not 'I want to listen'. It is all up to you, buddy. Are you going to make me do this, or can we just move the fuck along and get our brief interaction over and get you to where you need to go?

The more concise you make our interaction, the faster you work to get this over and done with all goes towards whether or not I curse your wretched existence while I vomit from challenging the dickhead in the mirror to a drinking game.


2. Don't Shoot The Messenger. 


Here is a big fucking surprise to the world: there is generally more than one person working at a store/bar/restaurant/hotel/whatever. Seriously, you can take a seat if this is too much to take in; but it isn't just me in there, running around and taking care of everything.

Working as a delivery driver and at the hotel is where I have seen people shoot the messenger the most. As a delivery driver it was extremely rare that I made the sandwich, I just brought it to your abusive mug. So it was always a grand ol' day when someone would ask to check their sandwich before I left, discover something wrong with it, and then freak the fuck out on me. So then I would be out on tip, have to waste the gas going back to the shop to get a replacement, and then the gas right back.

How I wanted to deliver sandwiches

It is very similar at the hotel (minus tips and gas worry). Let me tell you, if the dude working behind the desk is cleaning the rooms as well, you are either confused and actually at a friend's house or you are at the wrong fucking hotel. It is extremely rare for me to step foot into the rooms. So, if a room is dirty but labeled clean in the computer and there are no notes saying otherwise anywhere, guess what? That fucker is clean as can be, to me. So, I sell you a dirty room and your first instinct is to flip out on me? What the fuck is that about?

The same shit happens to a bunch of waiters and waitresses I have talked to. Now, they understand that they are at fault if they bring out a burnt ass steak when they clearly took an order for a medium steak. That is something they can see. But most complaints come from subtler things that would only be known by the cook staff and the unfortunate customer. Sadly though, tons of people flip the fuck out on their waiter or waitress and cut their tip.

Excuse me, but I seem to have eaten it all. And it is your fault. FUCK YOU!

So the next time you get shit service, this is what I want you to do. First, fucking calm down. Second, establish where the blame lies.

If I give you a dirty room, it takes just a few seconds to ask me if I am responsible for the cleanliness of the room, then inform me that the room I gave you is dirty, and let me apologize and move you to a different room (complaints that are polite and calm are generally met with sincere apologies and sweet discounts).

If I bring you a sandwich and it is fucked, ask me who made the sandwich. I know some people are dicks but I always owned up if I did make the sandwich. Or I can explain that I had no idea of the contents of the sandwich because I am only the lowly delivery driver. Now I can be on my way to get you a new one all the while being mad at my coworkers rather than you for screaming at me.

If your waiter or waitress brings you food that is fuck awful. Establish if your food is noticeably foul looking, if not then calm down and realize that there is no fucking way that the person handing you your plate could have known it was fucked. Then politely tell your server that there was an issue and send it back. Your waiter will then do his fucking job and haul ass yelling at the chef for killing his tip and get you a new plate.

Don't just stare at it, chef. Eat it. 

All I am saying is it is so damn easy to save a hassle and a scene for everyone involved and just calm the fuck down by not screaming at the person who just happens to be right in front of you and just so happened to be involved in the process at some point. If you absolutely have to scream at someone, just know that you are screaming at the right person.


3. Remember I Am (mostly) Human


To me, this is the simplest and most important one. If you want to go on and on about your life or whatever, go ahead I guess. I mean, I am getting paid for it and I can always laugh about you with my friends later. If you want to scream in my face and call me a piece of rat shit rolled around in foul meat, go ahead I guess. I mean, I can still afford a case of beer and kill hookers while cursing your name in Grand Theft Auto. But, don't you dare forget that I am a human being.

I am painfully aware that I work for absolute dick wages, can barely afford my bills, and nearly freeze every night in my apartment. I am only truly happy two days a week, if I am playing video games, drunk, or hanging out with my girlfriend. So, I can't fucking tell you what it means to me if you tell me a simple 'Thanks,' 'Hey, thanks for helping me out,' or 'I appreciate that there weren't bees in my room.' Seriously, some old dude said that last one to me once and it really made my day.

Every time I fucking stay at a Best Western, Martha. Every time!

So go out to eat and thank your waiter. Go get drunk and thank the bartender for having a stiff pour and a vigilant eye for empties. Get delivery and thank the dude for being rather speedy. And most importantly, stay at a hotel and thank them for not having bees in the room.

Grand Theft Auto IV: Looking Back

Alright, so anyone that reads my blog should have figured out that I am pretty much perpetually behind in video games. Unless it is Batman, I just don't see the point of shelling out sixty bucks for a new game when I can get five or more rock solid titles of the past for the same price. By my math, I will get around to writing about Skyrim in the year 2015.

Get off my lawn!

So, recently I went on a Grand Theft Auto kick. I fired up my old copies of Vice City and San Andreas (sadly, GTA III was too scratched and crashed to hell and back). I discovered that neither of these games suffered from nostalgia glasses (I figured San Andreas would hold up, but was worried about Vice City) and I enjoyed the ever living shit out of both of them (except for the end of Vice City where you have to wait for your money to grow, buy a business, and then beat it's missions to continue to the final mission...that was a load of crap). So, a bit surprised, I decided it was time for the ultimate test: Grand Theft Auto IV.

Sure, I remember it being stupidly good when I first played it and I was sure it would still be fun. However, in the days of Saints Row 2 and 3 (where you can do simply the most ridiculous shit), would I still love the more stripped back, toned down nature of GTA IV?

The short answer: fucking yes.

I was blown away, the game did things that I didn't remember from my last play through. I feel it took the ridiculous nature of Saints Row and the immediacy of modern shooters for me to truly appreciate what GTA IV did. So, journey with me, if you are so kind, and let us see just what it was that brought me to dropping forty-two hours in playtime and falling stupidly in love with this game.


1. This Game Is Beautiful

From everything I have heard and seen, Skyrim is fucking gorgeous to behold. It gives you a whole living world to play in, a world that you actually feel is living and breathing. A nearly flawless organic experience. Something you can truly lose yourself in.

Amazingly, Rockstar managed to do all this back in 2008. This game isn't an RPG and Rockstar didn't need to put such a huge amount of detail into this version of Liberty City, hell most of the time you are flying through the streets in a car chase and won't even notice all the time they put into the city.

Just...just look at it!

But once you do, it is jaw dropping. It first happened for me when I decided to take a cigarette break but figured, 'Hey I can take a cab ride to the mission start, I don't even have to stop playing!' So, I did just that and had fun fiddling around, taking in the sights from the back of a cab. And then something happened. The ash grew to huge proportions at the end of my cigarette and I simply couldn't look away. Every building has unique flourishes, the downtown area is full of dazzling lights, funny billboards add jokes and more depth to the world, the driver chats, jokes, honks, and yells at pedestrians the whole way, the draw distance allows you to see towering skyscrapers in the distance, steam rises from sewer grates, and the sidewalks are full of all the diverse pedestrians going about their business. It was truly incredible. Ever since then, that became my smoke break routine: set a way point as far across the map as I could, hop in a cab, light up, and take in the sights.

The fact that a fucking video game had me so enthralled to fucking sight see never stopped blowing my mind.


2. This Is A Game About Characters


Every Grand Theft Auto game is jam packed with funny, terrible, idiotic, insane, or psychotic characters. It is one of the best parts of the GTA series. However, aside from a stray few here and there, I never truly cared about the characters. All of their motivations were cliche and straight out of mafia/gangster movies. They wanted money, fame, or just to kill a bunch of people.

Now, don't get me wrong, GTA IV has a good handful of characters just like that. However, the majority is, for once, leaning towards characters with (somewhat) honest intentions.

Your character's cousin Roman just wants to gamble, expand his taxi company, marry the love of his life, see titties at the strip club, and generally live up the American dream. He is always trying to get Niko (your character) to stop killing. That is right, a character in a Grand Theft Auto game that wants your main character to let go of his hatred and stop killing, to settle down into a (mostly) normal life.

Brucie is a steroid addled meathead who wants nothing more than girls, fast cars, and shit loads of money. He is one of the funniest characters I have ever encountered in a video game and a really refreshing break from the classic psychopaths you are always running into in these games.

"Genetically different, bro!"

Dwayne is a down on his luck, nearly suicidal, gangster from the past. He is fresh from a prolonged prison sentence and absolutely blown away by how much the world has changed. All he really wants is a friend and just a little piece of his past life back. However, he is so broken up about how much 'the game' has changed that he simply doesn't have the heart for it anymore.

In most of the GTA games, if you end up working for the mob, you generally work for the big cheese. The sharks in a pool of guppies. You are just their hired gun taking down the competition. GTA IV flips that and has you working for a mob member who is a bit of a joke in the family. All he wants is respect and a proper piece of the pie. Sure you end up doing similar crap as you would in any other GTA mob mission (i.e. killing and blowing crap up), but it is the feeling that is different. For once I found myself thinking, 'This guy can't make it without me. He needs me.'


3. Decisions, Decisions and Deception (and they will all break your heart)


Alright, now here there be spoilers. But, this game is three years old, so if you haven't played it yet...too fucking bad, you had your chance.

GTA IV, like many modern games, implements some game changing decisions throughout. However, there is no heavy handed 'morality meter' and nothing as stupid as telling you, 'Choosing this will make this happen and choosing this will make this happen'. The decision all comes down to what you feel is right. The game will roll with whatever you choose, it is only you that will have to live with what you have done.

Here is a great one, remember the aforementioned Dwayne? Well you meet him through Playboy X who was something of a student of Dwayne's. Playboy is dealing in all sorts of sordid affairs to build his empire, but swears he is just doing it long enough to get out of the game and then give it back to the community. When Dwayne comes back, Niko helps him take back a club he used to own. The problem here is that the club is now owned by Playboy X. Playboy (almost begrudgingly) tasks you with taking out Dwayne so as to be sure this doesn't become a recurring problem. Dwayne figures this will happen and asks that you kill Playboy so that Dwayne can have another shot at life.

Holy shit! Playboy may be an asshole for asking you to kill his former friend, but it is coming from a (mostly) business point of view. Plus Dwayne is fairly depressed and may even be suicidal. Maybe you are just putting him out of his misery? But then I thought about how Dwayne has said (several times) that he just wants a friend and to try and scrape his way together in this new world. He is such a sad and lonely man. Could I really put a gun to his head and pull the trigger?

I just need a fwiend. 

Decisions like these are peppered throughout the game and all of them are very hard to make. Not because you are worried about how some silly morality bar will slide and not because you are worried how the game with play out (though there are some slight changes, this isn't an RPG...the game will move right on along). The choices are tough because they actually make you think. They build these characters as humans (even the pricks) and you actually have to think to yourself, 'Which one of these poor bastards can I forgive myself for putting in the grave?'

Think I am bullshitting? I was drunk when I played the Playboy vs. Dwayne decision and drunk me said, 'Fuck it, it's a game. I bet Playboy will give me a bunch of money if I kill Dwayne.' So, I went over to Dwayne's where he only had one lowly bodyguard armed with a bat, Dwayne himself didn't even fight back, and he didn't plead, all he said was, 'I thought we were friends. I guess the world really has changed.' When I pulled the trigger, Niko looked away. My fucking character didn't even want to kill him! I didn't even hesitate, I turned the game off and reloaded my file. I sacrificed the five hours I had just played to avoid that heart wrenching moment. I eventually made up my lost playtime, made it to the decision, and of course Playboy has several well armed bodyguards, he fights back, and then he runs into the street begging and pleading for his life. Neither Niko nor myself hesitated to put him down.


4. Niko


Niko is the main protagonist and the character you play as through the game. He hails from the Balkans, participated in the Yugoslav war, saw a bunch of awful shit, had his entire unit killed in front of him, and eventually follows his cousin, Roman, to the States in search of a better life.

Pictured: a better life

Eventually he learns two others survived his unit and figures one of them sold out the others for money.

You are playing as a character who is looking to leave his old life behind and find closure by discovering who betrayed his unit. Yes, many missions involve shooting a bunch of dudes but they have to because this is a Grand Theft Auto game. If you are able to roleplay a bit and get into the character (which I did), you won't find a lot of joy in running down civilians or shooting up random people (unless you are drunk, because the ragdoll physics are hilarious). I was playing a character who just wanted to do what he needed to do to build a better life for himself and his cousin.

He is cynical to his employers, always questioning why someone needs to die, and will generally try to argue his way out of being an errand boy. When his cousin is kidnapped, you get to see the fury of Niko Bellic and it is beautiful.

You travel to an abandoned warehouse and shoot it out with the kidnappers while Niko is constantly shouting things like, 'I live here with my cousin!' Rockstar does such a great job of showing how much love he has for his family and those that truly mean something to him.

Literally everything you do in the game (getting drunk, playing missions, shootouts, playing pool) will build more pieces of his character and you will fall in love with him. You will truly want to take care of the character you play as and see to it that he does well in the life the game pads out for him.

Then comes the big moment. You discover who betrayed you, Darko Brevic, and he is given to you bound and standing right in front of you. He reveals that he sold out the unit for a thousand dollars, Niko can't believe this but is called a hypocrite when Darko asks, 'And how much do you charge to take a life, Niko Bellic?' He then begs Niko to kill him, to free him from his demons. Roman asks Niko to walk away, reasoning that letting him live is a worse punishment than death. You are now given a choice, walk away or take your revenge? I did it. I pulled the trigger. Niko shoots him twelve times (once for each of his lost friends?) and then walks away. In the car ride home, Niko tells Roman that he doesn't feel any better. that he now simply feels empty. I failed Niko. I didn't give him what he wanted. And this time, I couldn't bring myself to reset because I had passed a really tough mission I didn't want to do again since the last time I had saved. I felt like I had let down an entirely fictional character made up of polygons and pixels. I had never had that happen before.

I'm sorry, cousin.

That level of connection between character and player is absolutely beautiful and very rare in the video game culture.


5. You Don't Win


So many video game developers are absolutely terrified of delivering a truly sad, dramatic ending. It is seen as alright to do in cinema because the cost of admission is cheaper for the consumer and it only requires a couple hours of your time. Whereas in video games, they can require anywhere from eight to forty plus hours of your time. It is figured that no one wants to invest that much time to see a sad ending.

Rockstar has shown that that is simply not true with Grand Theft Auto IV and continuing in Red Dead Redemption (I will probably be writing about that in the near future).

In most Grand Theft Auto games, money eventually becomes a joke. In Vice City I finished with about 800 million dollars for fuck's sake. Grand Theft Auto IV is different. You will finish the game with more money than you or I could make in a year, sure. But you won't break a million bucks by the end of the game (especially if you choose the 'I actually have some morality left' choices). This isn't a 'rags to riches' story. This is a 'rags to doing alright' story.

On top of this, no matter what you do, someone close to you is going to die. In the end you can choose revenge which results in Niko's beloved Kate getting killed. Or you can choose to make a deal with the villain, which results in your cousin dying.

Him?

Or her?

Most cruelly, these choices make you think that that specific character won't get killed. It is your cousin that wants you to make the deal so that you can get a shitload of cash and help give Roman and his fiance a lavish honey moon. It is Kate who tells you not to go back on your morals and refuse the deal. So you go with what you feel is right and the person most represented by that ideal ends up dead. Holy shit!

"Kate, we have to go back!"

So you go on this final ride, get revenge on the ass that killed your cousin or beloved but that is it. You have some money and a few friends. But what did you really gain? What did you lose? Was it worth it? And, if you are anything like me, you will be pondering the decisions you made throughout the game over and over, long after the credits roll. Which to me, says that the developers did everything right and created a video game that truly transcends the ideas of what a video game is capable of as a medium for entertainment.

I Can't Believe This Didn't Suck: Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks

Alright, so I am going to be trying a few new things with the blog in the next couple months. Mostly I want to start working on focused, regular features. The first that I want to try (and have been wanting to try for a while) is a semi-weekly ode to my favorite games that should have been utter garbage but turned out to be much better than we thought possible.

Everything said and done, let's give it a shot.


I Can't Believe This Didn't Suck: Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks

Holy shit can I go on for ages on Mortal Kombat. I have always had a love-hate relationship with this series. It was great when I was a kid because of its simplicity and because over the top violence was all I needed to please me as a child (I swear, there are no bodies nor missing neighborhood pets buried in my backyard). I still love it today because, despite what a lot of people say, they actually have continued to evolve in play mechanics and depth while still staying simple enough to pick up and play with a few friends after a long night of excessive drinking.

I hated the series as a little kid because it wasn't Sonic the Hedgehog 2 or Toy Story (after inputting Abracadabra for level select in Toy Story because a quarter of that game was fucking impossible). I still hate it today because, just as everyone says, it still isn't deep at all. Just when you get the more complex maneuvers and gaming physics nailed down, well...that is it. I always want it to go deeper. I will show my maturity by not making a sex joke so let's see here...ah! It is like ordering a thick crust pizza, you bite into it and you get into all the cheese and toppings (ha! I didn't even say 'sausage') and you are thinking, 'This is it! I am about to finish my bite and reach the crescendo and unlock all of the mystical secrets that this deep dish is hiding and....what the fuck? It's all sauce! The rest of my pizza is sauce!'


So yeah, I can get down on Mortal Kombat just as long as it knows and respects where it stands in my library of fighting games. And then they announced that a story driven, beat-em up would be released in September of 2005. I believe I may have sat my copy of Deadly Alliance down and had a very long, 'Look, its not you, it...it really isn't...come on! Don't be like that! Look I am sorry, but I just...I just don't think we can do this anymore. People might...well, they might find out,' chat with the thing. A story driven beat em' up based in the realm of Mortal Kombat?

Come on!

Why it really, really should have blown ass.


To understand my confusion as to why they would be releasing a story driven beat em' up set in the mythos of Mortal Kombat, you need to remember that this was coming out nearly six months after God of War reinvented the third person platformer/beat em' up by giving us tight controls, epic set pieces, the best boss fights fucking ever, and a really awesome story. You know, pretty much everything Shaolin Monks was promising in its advertisement campaign? So, it had already set itself up to be an also-ran.

Seriously, how are you gonna beat this?

Secondly, the Mortal Kombat story itself is a big what the fuck. Before we got our hands on Shaolin Monks we really had no damn idea what part of the story they would use. Where most fighters are content with giving enough background story to bring some fightin' dudes and dudettes together to do some fightin'. John Tobias and Ed Boon went ahead and created a whole working story arc for the first few MK games. However, it quickly reached critical mass in the alligator fucking stupid department. If the developers of Shaolin Monks were going to use the story of anything after MK III, it was going to be an absolute disaster.

Get the fuck back to the 90s.

Speaking of developers, let's talk about those guys. The game was developed by Midway Studios - Los Angeles, what is wrong with that? MS-LA used to be the forsaken by anyone with intelligence Paradox Studios. And what is so wrong with that? Well, the best game they ever made was Wu-Tang: Shaolin Style in which the developers lived up to the name Paradox Studios by making a competent fighting game based on the Wu-Tang Clan. Cool right? Well, they also made the two Backyard Wrestling games which, content aside, were ugly and utterly broken. Oh, they also brought us both of the X-Men: Mutant Academy games and the sequel X-Men: Next Dimension. All three played like Street Fighter overdosing on heroin. And oh fuck! They were the guys that tried to bring the fuck awful, pointlessly controversial (and never released) Thrill Kill. So, fuck me! Not a lot of faith in the guys working with an also-ran 3D action platformer based on a very shaky property plot. Oh and...

This was the shit that happened last time MK did a non-fighter. 

Why it really, really didn't blow ass.

So, it turned out that everyone was right about it being a poor man's God of War. However, this wasn't a bad thing at all. It controlled quite similarly and had the same multidirectional combo system (wherein you could start off by punching the dude in front of you and then hit the guy behind you without breaking your combo). It has great streamlined special attacks (press R1 and then press one of three buttons...how fucking sweet n' simple is that?), just enough platforming and (simplistic) puzzles to keep things from getting too stale, and boss fights that (though nowhere near the scale of the epic fights you faced in God of War) were nearly always different and challenging in their own right. 

Not only did it do everything God of War did to an acceptable level, Paradox Studios managed to add just enough Mortal Kombat flair to make it stand out. First off, those special attacks? All three are straight out of the arcade cabinet. Liu Kang bicycle kicks, fireballs, and super uppercuts the shit out of his enemies whilst Kung Lao flings his hat, teleports, and spins. Both characters have unlockable fatalities to pull off, a 'multality', and a brutality. Also, every level is pretty much straight out of the backgrounds of MK II. Neat shit!

So good job, developers...you took a simple clone and gave it more than enough fan service to stand out on its own and even carve out some of its own turf. 

Look! Look! I am not awful! WATTAAHHH!

Not only did Paradox manage to pull of the gameplay, they also went the smartest route when tackling the story. Instead of either spinning their own yarn or telling some of the fuck awful modern stories, they chose to stick with Mortal Kombat II. The game starts up right after the end of the first tournament and then follows the accepted canon of events up until the end of the second MK. This works great as the story here is concise and acceptable, but also gives the developers enough room to fill in some blanks with their own ideas and events. Its no genre bending, heart-wrenching tale of love and loss...but the story here will at least get you from point A to point B without making you cringe/vomit. 

Ugh.

Lastly, you really got your money's worth here. The main story will probably run you about five to eight hours, but then there is the second character and two other's to play as. Surprisingly, the four play just different enough that it is worth a revisit and at least some dicking around on a rainy day. Alright, so we get maybe twelve-ish hours if we play as both characters? How is that getting my money's worth, exactly? Well, theoretical skeptical ass clown, there is also multiplayer! 

Two players can team up with any combination of the four characters to take on special 'two player only' puzzles and paths. I honestly can't say how much this adds to the game because every time I have asked someone to play this with me, they look at me like I just asked if they will kindly go stick their dick in a beehive. But I am guessing it adds something. There is also a versus mode where you can unlock a handful of characters and fight each other using the engine of the game...again, never actually got to play this. 

The developers even packed the entire Mortal Kombat II arcade port on the disc. This isn't anything earth shaking but it is worth a neat revisit. 

You actually get to fight in this exact area and those floating purple dudes are regular enemies in Shaolin Monks! How fucking cool is that?

Lastly, Shaolin Monks continues the (then new) tradition of packing fuck tons of extra content into the game. In Deadly Alliance and every MK after, this is done through 'The Krypt,' you win coinage for fights and spend them to unlock neat little things. Here in Monks, its just hidden all over the world and requires exploration and some platforming to track them down (To this day I have only found about 89% of them and one out five hidden Smoke missions!) 

So in conclusion, Paradox Studios lived up to their name by not only making a hilariously playable Wu-Tang fighting game but also managed to remove Mortal Kombat from the fighting genre without it becoming a train wreck. It is too bad that God of War crushed this thing so completely and utterly because it would have been neat to see a bigger and badder sequel to this (the story in MK didn't get ungainly retarded until the fourth game). 

Oh, and you can still get the Toasty! SFX if you pull a decent enough combo in Shaolin Monks. MEGA RAD!

Third Shift: A Few Things I Have Learned

Hey guys (and gals), look at this shit! I am going to write a whole entry that doesn't have fucking anything to do with video games or comic books! Fuck yeah, right?!

So, yep, third shift. Midnight to eight in the morning at the front desk of a hotel. It is what I do and have done for over a year and will probably be doing for another couple of years. I am sure there are thousands and thousands of people that work this shift and it really isn't that special. In fact, that is one thing I am going to try and express here.

However, there are a few things (like any job, really) that you learn about yourself and other people.


I. It Really Isn't That Bad


Let me just get this out of the way because it is the one that I always hear from guests and friends, 'Woah! You always do that? That has to be so hard!'

It was, for the first couple weeks. It was the same level of difficulty as getting into any new routine that is foreign to you. College students face this pretty much every semester when their classes change up. For the first couple of weeks they feel like crap trying to re-calibrate their systems to the new schedule. Then, once you do it for just a bit, you don't even really notice.

My friends will ask all the time how I can sleep in the day.

Like this.

The same way you guys sleep at night? I turn off the lights, close my curtain, and lie the fuck down. Trust me, if you are exhausted and need sleep, your body will not complain about the time of day (drunks know this really well).

I understand how strange it seems when you are on a  nine to five or college classes type schedule seeing as most people don't stay up all night unless they are studying or glued to Reddit. But seriously, you get used to it quicker than you would think.


II. Get Ready For the Judgement Train


Alright, let me ask you a question. If you are working from nine to five, do you go to sleep immediately after work? Fuck no! I used to hang out and do shit for seven or so hours, get seven to eight hours of sleep, and get up at eight in the morning to get ready for a new day.

Well, that translates to my overnight schedule as well. I go into work at midnight, get off at eight in the morning, hang out until one or two, sleep for seven or eight hours, and get up at eleven to get ready for the night.

So another question. What do you do when you get off of work? Maybe you just hang around your house/apartment and play video games and listen to music. Maybe you had a stressful day so you want to grab a few drinks with a friend. Whatever is clever, man. It is after five p.m. and human morality says you can do whatever the fuck you want!

What I imagine five o'clock feels like to everyone else.

Well, I feel the same way when I get off work. Except, no one will ever understand why you are getting hammered at nine in the morning and rocking your taint off to Bivouac by Jawbreaker. You see, there isn't a magic label on my head that says, 'Hey, I work midnight to eight and right now is kind of like my six p.m. so I want a twelve pack, I really am not that bad.' You can awkwardly explain to friends, family, and loved ones...but no one ever really accepts it.

My neighbor actually asked me, 'If you do anything.' Because according to her, all I ever did was get drunk, play video games, and then yell at them. I awkwardly defended myself by saying that I work thirds and when I am at my productive best, she is asleep and therefore never sees the good I do. Like Batman, I am a lot like Batman. You see, what I am trying to say is that I am Batman. I think she now thinks that her neighbor is an alcoholic schizophrenic. Job well done.

The Drunk Knight.

This only gets magnified when I explain what I actually do at my job. Honestly, I don't have much to do, it is a laid back job and the only challenge it provides is the fact that you must become a third shifter. I check in a couple drunks, do the nightly audit, hope I don't get robbed, and then set up breakfast. Other than that, I read a fuck ton of comic books, think of how much ass I am going to kick in Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 when I get off of work, and bring my blog to the few of you kind enough to read them.

So now I look lazy as fuck and unskilled (which, admittedly, I am). But you know what? Fuck you! I still go to work (mostly on time, might I add) five days a week, work forty hours a week, and pay my bills (mostly on time, might I add). I have had two friends who are currently unemployed (and doing nothing about it) tell me I had the best and easiest job ever. So, I asked them why don't they apply to some of the other hotels in the area. Their answer? 'Because third shift would fucking suck, man.' Alright, then have some goddamned respect for the guy that has done it for a year and three months now.

I believe that I look like the text book definition of 'Skilled' and 'Respect'.

III. I Meet The Worst and Strangest Human Beings


Anyone that has worked a service job knows that you meet the worst people ever. There is apparently something about waiting for another human being to get you food/beer/cocaine/a hotel room/hookers/whatever that brings out the worst in people.

This normal negative of working in the service industry is fucking tripled by working third shift. I get all of the drunks, (unfriendly and rude) homeless, and simple fuck-nuts in the city.

Most nights are pretty quiet and uneventful, which is nice. I am not dealing with this shit every night. What I am saying though, is that when people are mad at me, it is late as shit, and maybe they had a few drinks...people fucking explode like none other.

Because it is two in the morning, that is apparently excuse enough for someone to fly into a blind rage with me when I inform them that we are sold out or whatever. I have had a drunk guy threaten to beat my ass because we were sold out and he couldn't stay here. I had an elderly lady tell me that I would be screwing Hitler in hell because I didn't have her rewards card on file. I have watched and subsequently been caught in the middle of a divorce. I have been called a humorless cunt, a shit eating failure, and (my personal favorite) a gazelle's dick in the middle of a lion pack (no idea what that means, but...well done, sir!).




In the end, some people will hear me bitch if I had a rough night or if I didn't get enough sleep and had to drag my ass through the night and they will ask me, 'Man if it is that rough, why don't you find another job?'

Because I can get paid for reading comics and making dick jokes on the internet!

A Few Reasons to Hate Batman Arkham Asylum/City (Using Spider-Man: Edge of Time)

So, I have already gone on record to say that I was a bit disappointed with Batman Arkham City. However, it is still a near perfect game and a perfect super hero game. It is truly fantastic. However, it is honestly a bit too damn good. The level of polish, atmosphere, nerd love, and fine-tuned game play the developers poured into it has forever tainted any super hero video game that is inferior to the Bat.

It is like the first time I saw Die Hard and sat there thinking, 'Well fuck, this is it. I won't like anything more than this movie. Ever.' And I haven't! Or the first time I ate beef and sat there thinking, 'Well fuck, my journey is at an end. I need not search for any other food. This is all I need.' Or, the first time I met that little person at the end of the dark alley and oh, I forgot...I am not supposed to talk about that.

Forever and ever and ever. 

What I am trying to say is that the '6 or 7 outta 10s' that I used to accept (and truly enjoy) in the super hero genre just don't do anything for me anymore. In fact, I go into bizarre frothing, thrashing seizures at certain aspects of them...or is that a separate problem?

Anyways, I could sit here and babble mercilessly about the dozens and dozens of crap to acceptable super hero games we used to play the shit out of, but we know all about those. So, instead, I will be simply comparing the work put into Arkham Asylum/City to that which was put into a single, newer game: Spider-Man: Web of Shadows.

*Please note* I am about three fourths of the way through the game so my assessment of it as a whole is not currently complete. Also, I will do my best to avoid spoilers, but I there might be a few here and there, so read at your own risk.


I. Go Atmospheric or Go the Fuck Home


This started from square fucking one in Batman: Arkham Asylum. You got to walk the halls of the scariest insane asylum in comics. You saw a couple inmates, heard some doctors talking, and got to take in the general decay of the place. Immediately.

Only ten minutes in

While Arkham City is toned down, the immediacy is still here. You are Bruce Wayne, not Batman, which means you might as well be naked. You are being forced into a place you, again, know is not a good fucking place to be a billionaire playboy. People are already trying to punch you in the face and you get to break the arm of the motherfucking Penguin (and if you so choose, kick him in the head as he cowers in a corner after the cinematic). This is all in the first...oh five minutes of the game?

Spider-Man: Web of Shadows kind of tries to do this but manages to tip the scales too hard and not do enough at the same time. The plot of the story is thus: Peter is duking it out with Anti-Venom next to some odd portal thing, Spider-Butt 2099 is talking in your head for some reason, Anti-Venom drains your radiation powers because that makes sense, and then kills the fuck out of Spider-Man.

Woah! That is some heavy shit, right? I guess so...but not really. First of all, where am I? Its just some gray platform with a bunch of darkness around me and a portal behind me. Guess what? I don't give a pile of ant shit about where I am, I don't recognize it and I am not into it. Who is this big scary villain I am fighting? Fucking Anti-Venom. A version of Eddie Brock's symbiote suit that has only been around since 2008. Guess what again? I don't give a single fuck about Anti-Venom. His story "New Ways to Die" kind of sucked and he looks like a melted Hershey's Cookies and Cream bar. It would be heavy if Spidey was finally overcome by Venom, that would jar me. But getting killed by this fucknut? No way.

It gets a bit better when the game shifts to the second playable character, Miguel O'hara a.k.a.  Spider-Man 2099. First of all, why the fuck is Spider-Man 2099 here? He first appeared in '92 and appeared in a complete clusterfuck of 'Marvel is being a dick and firing its good writers' with his run lasting on and off again until 1998, so you wouldn't think he would be that big of a deal let alone making his second appearance as a main playable character in a Spidey game (the first being Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions).

Anyways, you start off  sneaking into Alchemax (the genetics, evil stuff lab where O'Hara works) because he thinks that Walker Sloan, a scientist dude, is up to evil scientist shit. You slowly crawl through the vents of Alchemax and get to see a few things like a robot development lab and a genetics lab. This would have been a cool set up for future areas explored much like Arkham Asylum, and I thought it was. Until you play through a bit of the game and realize due to the time travel fuckery the game shits out, you will never play through any of these areas. So no, Edge of Time, you did not properly set the atmosphere with the intro scenes.


II. Story Is Rather Important, Right?


Obviously story is important to any media, be it a thirty second commercial for ass cream or a blockbuster movie. You need something to bait your audience, hook them, and then keep them entertained for the entire duration of your chosen media outlet. Video games are the same and a super hero video game is even more crucial. You can't just crap out some characters and give them a reason to punch each other. You are carrying the weight of characters with decades of history on your back and need to treat that with respect and dignity.

Arkham Asylum was straight to the point, rather simplistic...and worked beautifully. The Joker purposefully got caught so he could take over the island while he uses a new version of the Venom super steroid to make an unbeatable army of super soldiers. Batman has to stop him while dealing with various other super inmates and the various goons transferred over from Blackgate prison. Toss in a few of the emotional problems that comes with being the Batman (generally present in the beautifully terrifying Scarecrow scenes) and the weighty atmosphere to thicken the plot without the developers needing to toss in crap filler (the fetch quests and riddles are entirely optional) or needless gimmicks.

Arkham City followed suit, the plot being rather point A to point B on paper while feeling much thicker with the proper pacing, atmosphere, and emotional hooks.

Then we look at Edge of Time and holy cow fuck, Batman! This shit is confusing. I seriously just played through three fourths of it yesterday and I have had to look at the Wikipedia article to even try and summarize the plot. Spider-man is killed by Anti-Venom when the founder of Alchemax goes back in time to create the company before it is supposed to. He does, thus changing everything: a lot of the villains are eye-rollingly put into 'surprising' polar opposite roles (learned through unlockable newspaper clippings), J. Jonah Jameson is a ranting late-night talk show host (learned through an unlockable newspaper clipping) , 2099 is a Blade Runner looking dystopian nightmare (learned from a single cinematic) , and Peter works for Alchemax (learned from a single cinematic). (As you can see from the parenthesis above, hardly any of this fucking matters)

Apparently Anti-Venom is tearing up Alchemax in Peter's timeline, Miguel makes a chronal link with Peter using Peter's DNA (because that makes sense) so that he can warn him of his impending doom. Peter simply accepts that there is another Spider-Man in the year 2099 that is now talking in his head and doesn't once wonder if he has finally gone batshit. In response to Miguel's warning, he tells him all about how he can never run away from danger and if he does than he doesn't deserve to be called Spider-Man. This goes really well for Peter as he gets the fuck-all kicked out of him, Miguel saves him by pulling him into his timeline and tossing him into a healing chamber, and then leaps into Peter's timeline to fight Anti-Venom.

Jesus. This is the first half hour of the game. The first fucking half hour of game play should not be ridiculously difficult to explain! And it just gets even more fucking confusing as you go on! I honestly have very little idea as to what is going on.

Oh, and you know how I said that Batman had very little gimmicky crap nor padded out game play? Well fuck that, says the developers of Spider-Man. There are sequences where you have a certain amount of time to accomplish something in the past (usually fetch-questy or otherwise on the tediousness scale) to change something in the future, tons of back tracking, and a whole lot of pointless platforming forced down your gullet.


III. Let's Talk About Punching Dudes In the Face

Holy shit is the combat awesome in the two most recent Batman games. Again, simplistic on paper but surprisingly deep with patience and practice. You are encouraged to time your attacks to develop a real rhythm, rather than mashing the attack button as quickly as you can (in fact, you a lot of times can get absolutely punished for this). Toss in just a few special enemies to push your reflexes and keep things fresh, a shit load of gadgets you can freely mix into your combos, and some neat combat upgrades and shit can get really crazy (in a good, 'I am in control of this' kind of crazy). With practice, you can clear entire waves of bad dudes in one flawless fifty something hit combo.

The developers of Spider-Man take the idea of a super hero fighting dudes and then shoves it up their ass. It falls back on the age old, 'Mash buttons as fast as you can to succeed' concept. And that isn't what is bad, I can dig an old school style beat-'em up. What is absolute shit, is how needlessly difficult it is.

Apparently, part of the time changing story is that the Spider-Men now have wet noodles for arms and bags of baked beans for fists. These guys are so hilariously under powered that it feels like a little kid in his Spider-Man pajamas is actually trying to fight robots and security guards. I have seriously racked up sixty plus hit combos just flooring five basic enemies. The last time I had a sixty something combo in either of the Arkham games, I had erased the basic education of twenty shit heads with my fists and boots.

Also, the fights get fucking crazy (in a bad, 'Jesus! Fuck! Everyone just calm down and let me figure out what the fuck is going on here' way). Guys are punching you, robots are shooting lasers and machine guns, a giant brute of a robot is erasing a fourth of your health per second, something is exploding, and I think Spidey has pooped himself.

I felt like this, a lot. 

But there has to be a way to get stronger right? Well yeah, by collecting orbs from your fallen foes. Oh wait, nope, those can only upgrade your basic combo strength (this makes a mouse fart of a difference, by the way) and your special attacks. Well, how the fuck do I upgrade my health and shit? By finding secret, hidden golden spiders. What the fuck on fire in Midtown? I have to fucking track down the fucking hidden fucking items just so I don't fucking get the fuck killed out of me every fucking five minutes? Fuck! To make it worse, your health isn't increased every time you find one. No, you have cash in five or more of the fuckers for a health boost.

However, I found a way around this. Simply run. Run like the wind. Run like the devil is behind you. I discovered in many, many situations you aren't actually required to kill all the enemies. Just as long as you kill the one guy with the key/press the button/destroy the thing, the game lets you continue. This is doubly hilarious when you remember Peter lecturing O'hara on never running away from danger at the beginning of the game.


IV. Conclusion 


Now here is why I am mad at the two Batman games; if this was made prior to August 25, 2009...it wouldn't be that bad! Super hero video games (if you didn't know) used to always be awful and occasionally, mediocre. This would have been a neat-ish Spidey story (if a bit confusing and including an odd character choice), with difficult but forgivable combat (hey guys, at least it works!), and a kind of cool place to explore.

Now though, all I see is a pointlessly drawn out and confusing story, hilariously weak combat on top of needless padding, and a boring ass 'oh look, another abandoned lab' for a setting.

Arkham Asylum/City, congratulations are in order. Congratulations for giving a pedestal to stand on and look down at every other super hero game. You have ruined everything. 

I like to imagine the dude is Spider-Man: Edge of Time and Batman is doing his able best to rip his balls off.

Batman: Arkham City vs. Batman: Arkham Asylum

Alright, well this is a rather unoriginal idea for a blog, but I fucking love my video games and have never written a straight up review type article (bemoaning the state of the fighting genre doesn't count). So, I am going to pretend that a whole lot of people give a shit what I think and compare these two great games, side by side

Also, a quick note. I feel these are two of the greatest games released in the last few years and easily the best super hero games ever freaking made. If I were to give them an arbitrary numerical rating scale, they would both be given a perfect score. So, if you feel I am being overly critical and trolling the fuck out of little details, that is because I am. That is really the only way to look at either of these games in any sort of negative light.

Also, there is a good possibility that there might be a few spoilers to both games in the following review. So, if you don't want any of that, skip the shit out of this article.

All said and done, lets get going.


I. The Story


The story of Batman: Arkham Asylum (BAA from here on out because I am lazy) was fucking fantastic. Launching Bats head long into the batshit insane asylum with all of the inmates running rampant and tearing shit up. It was pretty straightforward: Joker takes over Arkham, threatens to blow up bombs all over Gotham city if anyone tries to enter Arkham, Joker is trying to get his hands on a super steroid thing called Titan to make an unstoppable super army, the Joker ends up injecting himself with the the stuff (this was retarded), Bats beats the bejesus out of him anyway, everything is ok.

This worked great, it allowed us to see all sorts of well implemented villains and created a bunch of fantastic set pieces to play through. All together, this was the sort of Batman story that video gamers' had been waiting for.

Arkham City (BAC from here on out) takes this and blows it up in a big way. An entire section of Gotham is cordoned off as a make shift prison city while Arkham Asylum and Blackgate Prison (destroyed in the first one so that the Joker can have his men sent to the asylum) are being rebuilt. As to avoid as many spoilers as I can, I will just say this: Dr. Hugo Strange was put in charge thanks to the affluence of an even more powerful entity, Bruce Wayne gets shoved in here for terribly explained reasons, a bunch of the major crime heads are fighting for their own chunk of territory, the Joker is dying from poisoning himself with the Titan crap from the last game.

Not even once. 

The story rockets you all over the place as you face down a good handful of classic villains to try and stop the Joker's ultimate plan of poisoning and taking over Gotham City as well as a nefarious plot by good old Hugo Strange as well.

Both of these stories are perfect. One showed us how to properly tell an original superhero tale in a video game (BAA) and the other gave us the best Batman movie never made (BAC). If I was just to look at game play and story alone, both of these games would be perfect. However, I truly feel that BAA is the perfect game and BAC is the slightly flawed but still beautiful little brother.

II. Places To Go, Things To See

Obviously, BAC has a lot more places to explore and it is absolutely breathtaking to see. You get to play through a chunk of Gotham City whereas all you got to explore in BAA was the island that Arkham is on. But, I ultimately felt this was not a good move. Sure its beautiful and sure there are still dozens of great fanboy bating Bat love in the dozens of buildings that are straight out of the comic books. However, I just couldn't stop thinking of how it was all done better in the first one.

In BAA there are just a few of Bats' infamous rogues gallery that you physically face down. But there are dozens of them in the game. You can find items (Catwoman's whip, the Penguin's umbrella, Black Mask's mask, etc,.) and scan them to get cool background info on the respective character. This was awesome and always sent a little tingle down my spine the first time I played it. Were these nasty villains out there? Creeping in the shadows, just waiting for the Bat?

I just didn't get that same feeling in BAC, it was really cool seeing things like the Ace Chemicals building, playing through the Iceberg Lounge, Sionis Industries, and a bunch of others. However, a building cameo just ultimately didn't have the same punch as a character cameo.

Also, in the end of it all. I honestly felt I got to see a lot more in BAA than in BAC. Getting to explore all the nooks and crannies of the creepy ass Asylum, the labyrinthe of sewers and catacombs underneath, the other buildings on the island, and even a full Batcave. Whereas BAC has a massive city to play in, you can only enter a handful of the buildings, an eerily similar underground area, and some boring ass subway tunnels.

All in all, BAA nailed its environment so completely that BAC just can't compete with it.

III. Atmosphere


Holy crap was BAA creepy as shit. That game played like a super hero game but made me feel like I was playing Silent Hill at times. There was some truly gut wrenching, tense moments. I always felt something was lurking in the shadows, every noise made me jump, and it could be truly maddening when there was absolutely no one else around but you and the claustrophobic hallways. Along side this were audio tapes you could find that filled in some background on the asylum's sordid past (and give glimpses inside the minds' of its psychotic inmates) that made it even more frightening and threatening. It really, really made you feel like you were exploring a decrepit madhouse.

More importantly, it made me feel vulnerable. I felt like something could tear me apart at any moment. On top of that, I had to worry about another Scarecrow nightmare (more on that later) which produced some ridiculously original set pieces and could be straight up horrifying at times.

There was even a beautiful, near heartbreaking, and still terrifying (in the vulnerability of it all) scene that forced you to relive the most integral part to the Batman: the death of his parents.

All in all, BAA was all about immersion. That, to me, is what makes it the best fucking super hero game ever. It wasn't enough that you got to beat Batman levels of ass, solve Batman puzzles with Batman gadgets, and explore an integral part of the Batman mythos. It was the fact that you were The Goddamn Batman! And you had to take on everything that meant. The terror of, when it comes down to it, being just one man diving head first into a truly insane world. The fear of losing your mind with that great jump. I felt all of that. I was right there with my character. I was The Batman.

This is all pretty much dumped in BAC, and that was the most heartbreaking part of the game. Up until I got my paws on the game and smashed through it (beat the fucker in one and a half days), I thought this was going to take all of the lessons in immersion and crank the bastard up way past eleven. I thought, 'Well shit, if they can make me want to crap myself and sleep with a light on while playing as one of the biggest bad asses ever (a very impressive and uncomfortable feat) whilst limited to just a single island, what the fuck is going to happen when I have to plunge into an entire city?'

What happens is this: the developers rip you out of the immersion and are content with simply seating you in the pants of the biggest fucking beast of an ass kicker anyone has ever seen.

Err, face kicker

I didn't feel worried or nervous once during the entire length of BAC (maybe frustrated because so many fuckers have guns) because no matter how bad shit got, I could grapnel and glide the fuck away from anything. Seriously, Batman may not have super powers, but he might as well be able to fly. You can, with a bit of practice, travel the entire city without ever touching the ground or roof. On top of that, you start the damn game with nearly all of the gear you will ever need (aside from a few puzzle specific items you get later on, you seriously won't need anything else).

On the ground, BAC is a whole different beast. It actually is pretty damn unsettling. You can almost feel all the dirt and grime on the streets and walls. You always hear someone taunting you. Occasionally an innocent scream shreds the night, wrenched from the lungs of one of the political prisoners you have to save. The thing is, who the hell is going to run around the streets when you can zip around the entire fucking city?

It would have been bloody brilliant if they had made up some excuse to strip you of all your gear and make you work for it. Get that sense of having to rely on nothing but your wits and knuckles to get through the bloody streets? Seriously, starting out with that much kit was a terrible idea.

IV. How About That Gameplay? 


Not much to say here, as it plays identically to the first one (which is good, because the controls are pretty much perfect). So, I am going to focus more on the experience between the first one and the second.

And honestly, that experience was a bit stale. The combat is still ridiculously satisfying as you can easily beat down twenty thugs in one flawless sixty-two hit combo, so no complaints there. My two biggest feelings of, 'Oh this again...cool, I guess.' Comes from the stealth and the new playable character, Catwoman.

The stealth was one of my favorite aspects of the first game. In too many stealth-em-ups, I end up feeling like a little bitch. It is really hard for me to feel like a bad motherfucker when I am huddled in the shadows waiting for a chance to sneak up on some nameless goon. BAA fixed this by implementing a few subtle tweaks. Firstly, there were options: sneaking through the rafters, blowing up walls, sneaking through vents and floor grates, and other nifty traps were always available to use. Secondly, the developers make you feel like an absolute terrifying beast of the night. Your opponents slowly breakdown into a nervous wreck as you pick them off one by one. It was a blast.

Go find your own hippy to choke. This one is mine.

This is still all there in the second one, but things have changed a bit. There are still a lot of options available, but with the revamped A.I. I pretty much always found myself simply going through the motions. I no longer felt rewarded for creativity and actually felt punished in some instances. It was always easiest to stick to the rafters and pick off my opponents from there. Also, I didn't feel like the scary creature of the night (though your enemies still freak out and such) because the way the Predator (the name of both games' stealth sections) scenarios are set up in BAC almost require you to be the little bitch I so bemoan (i.e. having to jump down and run behind someone hoping not to be caught or having to smash an enemy from the rafters because he was out of range for a stealthy take-down, thus alerting fucking everyone).

The developers knew you were going to be fucking up the stealth a lot. How do I know that they knew this? Because one of your new items is a Smoke Pellet. A handy 'get out of jail free card' if you fuck up and start getting shot to shit (Batman is really allergic to bullets). Throw it down, confuse everyone, and disafuckingpear. It is also really damn handy in some of the tougher fights. They also give you the Sonic Disruptor, a tool that lets you remotely disable up to two enemies' weapons in any given scenario. This is a god send for any Predator situation that has fucking snipers. Seriously, the snipers will kill the ever living fuck out of you because they can and will see everything. 

Seriously, fuck these guys.

____________


Alright enough about the less than stellar stealth of BAC and onto the biggest disappointment, fucking Catwoman. I was really stoked to see that Catwoman was going to be in the game, the trailers were looking great and...shit, fucking Catwoman!

Well then the developers decided to really combat against lost profit from used and rented copies of their game. She is download only. If you buy the game new, the download code comes prepackaged. If you buy it used or rent it, Catwoman costs you ten bucks. Not too bad considering every review I have read so far is saying that she is truly integral to the story and is entirely necessary to get the full picture.

Spoiler alert!

She isn't, not at fucking all. She has four missions (one is at the end of the credits, has the single worst Predator situation in the whole damn game, and has to be completed to go back to the free roaming element) all of them are either ridiculously short or ridiculously frustrating or both. The only thing she is 'necessary' for is her one or two skills that set her apart from Batman to get a few character specific Riddler trophies and listening in face-palming sadness as every enemy taunts her with rapey inclinations or simply calls her a 'bitch' (it is really terrible and pretty much the opposite of creative). That is it. You don't really glean anything special about the story from her perspective or see any different places, you just need her if you are a completion addict and refuse to shelve a game until it is 100%ed.

Nothing like this ever fucking happens.

Also, she is unbelievably lazily made. She fights exactly like Bats but with different toys and fewer upgrades (meaning she can't take much of a beating), her 'Thief Mode' is just a shitty, ugly, red version of Bats' 'Detective Mode' and her whip/jumping combo is a much worse mode of transportation. She can be totally left behind with zero regret.

V. Where The Fuck Is Everyone And What Do I Do Now?


Another one of the few moments where I felt truly disappointed by BAC was after I beat the game. I noticed that there weren't a whole lot of side quests available when I was playing through the main story, but that was fine by me. There is nothing to rip you right out of the immersion of a story than suddenly getting distracted and fucking off to do some odd fetch quest. This dude is going to poison all of the city? Fuck that, I got balloons to collect! Its one of the biggest problems with the sandbox genre. BAC solved this by giving you very little to do until you finish the main story, great!

But then you realize that they gave you very little to do, in general. Don't get me wrong, there is a really good pile of side quests to tackle (including a few nice surprise enemies) once the story is done and of course, the Riddler's puzzles and on going quest. However, it just doesn't feel like enough.

Hear me out here, you have a huge chunk of city available to dick around...a huge chunk of the city that has been fucking turned into a giant god damn prison! Every villain from Batman's rogues gallery is arguably locked up here. So, once the story is done and the main power holding villains are put down, why can't there be a shit load of mini-missions involving the other rogues trying to grab up all of the empty territory? That would be so cool!

"Hope you like seeing me for all of ten seconds and then staring at all my buildings!"

On a similar note, the developers added in one of the biggest cock teases ever. Tim Drake as Robin pops in in one cinematic to save Batman and fucking deliver a new gadget. That's it? Why even put him in at all? Oh, probably to promote sale of the downloadable content. Fuck that. He will probably be just as pointless as Catwoman.

"Give me your money, or else you won't get to see me be all brooding and shit."

Why not give us some absolutely kick ass two player options? How rad would it be to have two unstoppable storms of ass kick crushing their way through dozens and dozens of thugs? It would totally reinvigorate the somewhat stale stealth, too. Robin setting up traps and distractions while Batman is taking people down? That would simply fucking rule!



V. The Overall Experience Of It All


My biggest complaint with BAC is simply this, it just didn't surprise me as much as the first one did. It simply suffers from 'My predecessor was simply too fucking awesome' in such a frustrating way.

Those awesome and terrifying Scarecrow set pieces from the first one? Gone. The only thing close to that level of a mind fuck is one single level involving The Mad Hatter, but even this ends up just requiring you to punch a lot of things in the face. That creepy sneak-a-thon that was Killer Croc's sewer (something a lot of people hated, but I fucking loved to death)? Gone. The only thing that comes close to that level of tension is a bit of sneaking on thin ice at the Iceberg Lounge, except its easy as shit and really not too intense at all (and inadvertently becomes hilarious when a massive shark bites on to your boat and the game prompts 'Beat Down!' and requires you to press the attack button repeatedly as Batman throws twenty lightning fast punches into the shark's nose).

Seriously.

You know how BAA had only a couple boss fights that were classic 'learn the pattern, hit it till it dies'? Well, apparently the developers thought that the whole non-traditional boss fights they had set up sucked. So, they made all of the boss fights in BAC 'learn the pattern, hit it till it dies.'

This isn't always bad, as a couple of the boss fights are truly over the top and really fucking cool (the Mr. Freeze fight really put me on edge until I figured out that he is functionally combat retarded). It just isn't surprising. None of the boss fights really try and go for that extra mile of 'what the fuck is happening?' I mean, Scarecrow simulated a full system crash in the first one! Holy shit, who saw that coming the first time? I freaked the fuck out!

"Fancy a back rub?"

I guess in conclusion, all I am trying to say is that nothing the developers can do will ever be able to beat Batman: Arkham Asylum. They simply made that game too fucking good. I am not saying that the second game is a bad game. Do not mistake my ranting here as calling it out on its ass. I loved Arkham City, could barely put it down (remember, I beat it in a day and a half), and is still absolutely a great fucking game. I was just really, really excited to see if the developers' had any more tricks up their sleeve to really turn the super hero game on its own head again; and, ultimately it seems that all they can do is simply make a jaw dropping, well made, absolutely brilliant video game. And you know what? That is enough.

Thanks Rocksteady Studios for making two of the best games I have ever played and the single best super hero games to ever grace our game systems