The Dark Knight Rises...to a whole lot of meh

If you are a Batman fan, you probably heard or read that the two villains for Christopher Nolan's final Batman installment, The Dark Knight Rises, were announced yesterday. If you haven't, welcome out from under your rock: they are Bane and Catwoman. I knew this day was coming. The announcement I had been waiting for since halfway through the The Dark Knight. I was ready. I would leap for joy and immediately run to my blog to bang out a half a dozen reasons they are the right choice, in a nice listicle complete with pictures and witty captions! But wait, something is wrong. This blog is being written at 5:30 in the morning, the day after the announcement. Why not fling off my covers (I was asleep, third shift job) when my roommate passed the word and run to the nearest computer? Because all I could say was, "Oh, oh ok," and go back to bed. What the fuck? How could I even stay in bed, under the covers after such an Earth shattering announcement? Because I couldn't give a shit.
For starters, this isn't a ridiculous, unfounded nerd rant filled with hatred. (I am not one of those Energy Squid fucks from The Watchmen hate machine). Instead, this is a nerd filled road of disenchantment and an overwhelming feeling of, 'Just another super hero movie.' Just hear me out here, I will make it simple. I already decided I would do a listicle and my idea won't change. However, the title does...

The five reasons I couldn't give a shit about Bane and Catwoman being in The Dark Knight Rises


1.  Different shit, same toilet.

Alright, I know The Dark Knight is going to kick ass. I am going to love it as I have loved Nolan's first two Batman movies. That is why this isn't a hate letter. I am not going to write endlessly about how terrible it is even before filming is done and I am not going to refuse to see it. However, I just won't be as excited. I can't.

I have seen these two on film before. The magic is gone. Now, don't come at we with a raging hate boner yelling (i.e. typing in bold caps locked letters with a lot of exclamation points and bad grammar) about how terrible Catwoman the movie was and how everything about Batman and Robin should be buried by hate forever. I agree and I know Nolan will knock these two character out of the park. He will do his research and realize what makes these characters great and flesh these out with actors and actresses that are taking these roles very seriously. I also know that he will ground these villains in stark reality so as to make them less atrociously comical. So don't start.

All I am saying is that I have seen it before. The magic is gone. Even if they portray their respective characters entirely different, which they will, and even if the costuming and make-up is entirely different, which it will be, it doesn't matter. The gravity and feeling of seeing these characters brought to life is gone. The same happened to me with Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight. I was blown away by his performance, the costuming, and the make-up. However, I didn't feel the excitement and rush of seeing two brand new (in film, that is) villains brought to life in Batman Begins. I can't tell you how fucking excited and giddy I was to see the Scarecrow and Ra's al Ghul brought to life.

I was really hoping that Nolan was going to blow everyone's mind by trying to recapture that feeling. I knew that was what Nolan was going to do. It was the only way for him to finish off this amazing trilogy. It had to be Black Mask or Hush or Holiday or Anarky or Deadshot or Owlman or Victor Zsasz or any of the other dozens of awesome rogues from Bat's past and present. I knew it would be one of them.

Fuckin' Condiment King!

And then...Bane...and Catwoman. Literally no surprises (aside from the fact that Nolan had announced his villains), no raging nerd boners, just...Bane and Catwoman.

2. How cool would that have been?

Here, I focus on my problem with Bane. Catwoman will get plenty of hers later, I promise.

To me, Bane was really only awesome in one run: Knightfall. Wherein, if you aren't a huge nerd, Bane spends his childhood in a hellish South American prison where he is forced to take Venom, which grants him his super strength. Eventually he escapes from this prison and turns his attention on Gotham City and more importantly, The Batman (because a demonic bat has haunted his dreams, none the less). In Gotham he realizes a direct confrontation with the Batman would be retarded and full of much failure. So, he decides to orchestrate a mass breakout at Arkham Asylum and lets all of the fun fucks run amok through Gotham city. This includes the Joker, Scarecrow, Riddler, Poison Ivy, Mad Hatter, Black Mask, Firefly, The Ventriloquist, Film Freak, The Cavalier, and Victor Zsasz. Batman spends three exhausting months rounding them all up while Bane is studying him and learning his identity. When Batman returns to his mansion after rounding up the last of them, he is confronted by Bane. He is soundly defeated and finished by getting his back broken over Bane's knee. Bane is the only person to have figuartively and literally 'broken the Bat.' Bruce Wayne passes the mantle to Azrael who is a violent but effective Batman and ultimately is able to defeat Bane.

This better fucking happen





Now, wouldn't that just make for one fuck ton of an awesome trilogy? It would be so easy and you wouldn't even have to change much (not even the actors/actresses)!

I know this is a ridiculous thing to fathom. Nolan wanted to carve his own name into the Bat mythos along with all the other writers, artists, directors, etc,. Who can blame him? His movies were awesome and worked beautifully!

But that doesn't mean that I won't be thinking about how awesome a Knightfall trilogy would have been every single time I see a serious, intelligent, and gritty Bane on screen.

Serious, intelligent, and gritty



3. What Catwoman are we going to see?

I love Catwoman and fully expect Nolan's version to do some justice. But there is a lot of Catwoman to swallow in just the span of one movie. She is one of the most dynamic and fleshed out Batman characters (certainly up there with Bat's, the Joker, Two-Face, and others) and has many different sides to her.

Are we going to see an origins type of thing where Nolan writes her as just a master thief that has always been roaming Gotham but has finally garnered the attention of the Batman? Where she is just an agile chick armed with her wits and a whip?

Take me seriouslyyyyyy

Or are we going to see the more modern version of Catwoman? Where she is cast as more of an anti-hero than a straight up villain. Bouncing between thief and love interest of Batman. Occasionally even aiding our eponimous hero in his fight against the greater evils of Gotham.

There is so much to Selina Kyle that I wouldn't mind just seeing a movie with her and Bats! So I am guessing that Nolan will go with something like this...

Part one of Dark Knight Rises: Bat's is trying to catch master thief, Catwoman.

Part two of Dark Knight Rises: Bat's and Catwoman realize they have more in common...but she is a criminal! Oh no, what are they going to do?!

Part three of Dark Knight Rises: Bats and Cats put aside their differences to stop an unstoppable foe! Bane! Then they make love in a suitably PG-13 fashion. Hurrah!

Just hope it isn't like that one scene in The Watchmen...

And that leads me to...

4. Spiderman 3 haunts me

Now, Mr. Nolan proved that he could handle multiple villains with every single movie. So, I am trusting him to handle it again. However, this time he has a lot to deal with. He has to show that not just one but two characters are a fuck ton more diverse and multi-dimensional than their previous movie adaptations have given them credit for.

To do that, he will have to give a lot of screen time and background to both characters. He was able to do this in The Dark Knight by hammering home who Harvey Dent really is and then showing us the destruction of his character, his rise to Two-Face. But you really can't do that with Catwoman nor Bane. Selina Kyle has a lot in common with Bruce, its a secret identity and that is about it. I mean, Bruce Wayne is cool and it has added a lot of realism to see him do a lot of Bruce Wayne shit, but we really have yet to care about Bruce Wayne. So, this method can't work with Selina Kyle/Catwoman. The same with Bane. Who gives a fuck who Bane is when he isn't doing Bane stuff.

I am going to start yelling this at people

This means that Nolan is going to have to show these character complexities whilst Bane is plotting away and doing other Bane-y things (Hopefully not yelling, "I break people!"). This means he is going to have to capture the intricate interactions of Batman and Catwoman. Not Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne.

Failing to pull this off with either character leaves that character looking just as cheap and tossable as their earlier adaptation(s) already did...and that would suck.

And finally, the reason I am most miffed by the announcement:

5. I think this one is going to feel more like a superhero movie

With everything I have rambled on about; the loss of the magic in the characters, the missed oppurtunity to truly pull off Bane, the depth that is Catwoman, and the complexities of pulling off two multi-dimensional characters...one thing sticks out in my head: this is just a comic book movie.

It is going to be awesome because I love the characters and the universe, the talent has knocked the other movies out of the ball park, and there should be no worries about this one being terrible.

But, I don't think people will talking about the weight of the performances, the frightening portrayal of living in a city under attack by a super villain, or the gravity of being a hero that the movie was able to get across. All things I heard about both the first and second movie. I don't think that will happen. Instead, I think you will hear a lot more, "Oh yeah! That fucking rocked!" And that isn't how a Nolan Batman trilogy should end. A Nolan trilogy should end with the craziest portrayal of being a hero ever fucking seen. Ever.

I am rambling now (as I always am), and I will leave it alone. The last words I will say are

I finally know who I am. I am Bane. I break people.