I Can't Believe This Sucked

Hey there friendly readers, all five or six of you! It has been a while. A long while actually, a whole six months have passed since I last put something on here. However, the time has come! My writer's block has been defeated and I am ready to write again, huzzah.

I will be starting the writing revival with a piece from the thing I know and love best: video games. Sorry, I promise that one day I will once again write something that has absolutely fuck all to do with games. But today is not that day.

Anyways, I had played through everything in my collection and was searching for something new. During my search I saw that a particular game was getting really good reviews and was apparently revitalizing some particular aspects of the RPG. This game was Kingdom of Amalur. I decided, what the hell, and gave it a shot. After all the hype, it turned out to be fucking cat's ass of flaming pile of failure. So, let us journey into the whimsical territory of outright suckage.


1. Why should I give a shit? 


So Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning started out with a promising story. After the opening cinematic that sorta explains the scope of the war Amalur faces, you meet your character. Your character is the first mortal that has ever been resurrected and as such, doesn't have a preordained fate. You are The Fateless! You can literally change the fate of everything! You can win this war! How bad ass is that?! Alright, so I was hooked. Holy shit, maybe these reviews were right, this RPG has its balls on lock when it comes to a big story.

So as I set out with Jesus the Facefucker (what else was I going to name the first resurrected, no longer bent to the ills of fate mortal?), I got introduced to the combat mechanics, which felt great. The combat was in real time and, despite having those shitty numbers ticking above everyone's head when they took damage, it still felt like I was smacking an asshole with a rusty sword, that was nice. I was taught how the Y'all Are Megafucked Hyper Combo (or whatever you call those things; to me, if you build up meter and then unleash an ass beating ejaculate, it is and always will be a Hyper Combo) which looked awesome (you literally get to rip the fate out of enemies because you know, video games).

Behold, Jesus the Face Fucker

Well fuck me, the reviews were right! Give me a sixty hour quest of ripping the fate right out of the assholes of Orcs and Goblins in a massive war torn country and Jesus the Facefucker and I were going to have a rip roaring time together! But then I got to the first town.

The first town was pretty. The people were happy. The economy was just fine. What the fuck? Just a few minutes ago, I woke up from the dead and was attacked by The Bad Guys. An Important Character told me that this was the farthest inland The Bad Guys had ever made it in the course of the entire goddamn war! I am now maybe a mile from where that happened and these people are just dancing around, dick in hand. Why aren't you panicking? Why aren't you straight shitting your pants? These dudes have been getting the ever living fuck beaten out of them in a war for years, why is the economy ok?

On top of that, my dialogue tree allows me to freely and casually tell people that I am back from the dead. Their reaction? Holy crap, I might as well have asked them if my character has awesome mutton chops. They pretty much just say, "Well yeah, I guess that's about right. I am gonna go fart on the neighbors dog until it tries to bight me in the sack. G'day!" 

So what, you used to be dead. Big deal, wanna fight about it?

So aside from an obligatory 'War is hell' style quip here and there, apparently no one really gives a shit about this massive war or the encroaching forces that are now in the goddamn country. On top of this oddity, no one thinks it even a smidgen strange that a dead man is walking among them.

Alright, alright this was only the first couple hours of the game, right? I can't hit the 'Don't give a shit button' yet! There is probably so much more to come.

What was to come? Side-quests, fucking side-quests everywhere. Now, this is an RPG. That means that one needs to stop hitting his or her self with a claw hammer if they don't expect a few side-quests to be sitting around. However, Kingdoms takes it to a whole new level. Every town, village, campsite, city, or even the middle of the goddamn woods will reveal at least half a dozen side-quests (and there are hundreds of settlements to uncover). All of these are the usual bullshit tasks you expect from RPGs (find my trousers, kill every indigenous species in this cave, I lost my trousers again, someone stole my books, twat a dozen gazelles and bring forth their hides, sorry but pants again). Each one shamelessly plugs in a bit of the lore of the world the designers have built which can be kind of neat, but none of them have anything to do with the main story. After accomplishing two main story missions and eighteen fucking side-quests, I just started skipping all of the dialogue. All of it.

How many times, Darryl? How many times?!?!?

The story, when you have the patience and sobriety to listen to it, makes it obvious that the war with The Bad Guys is a big goddamn deal. What more do you fucking need? Why do I have to run all over the fucking place doing ridiculous bullshit? Where is the immediacy? Why couldn't they make most of their side quests at least tie in with the whole 'impending fuck all doom of a war' theme? Why am I tracking down this moron's lost books when I could be helping a small town ready its defenses? Why am I skinning wild life in order to summon a troll in order for this bitch to get a magic ring in order for Jesus the Facefucker to smash her to death and steal said ring when I could be tracking down enemy settlements?

It never, ever gets better. Well, maybe it does, I gave up after forty-two hours. But that is forty-two fucking hours of never once feeling like I was making a difference.

So, developers of the world, remember that I need a reason to give a shit. I don't care what the story is, you must give the player a sense of immediacy..


2. The World Is Not Nearly As Big As It Seems.


Even though it doesn't make sense story wise, the world of Kingdoms is a really pretty game with a bunch of detailed,. varied environments. Whether you are in a lush forest, a big ass desert with soaring canyons, a massive city, or whatever. It all looks massive and grand. Too bad it is all a well crafted lie.

A very pretty lie

First of all, your character can't fucking jump. The only time you can jump is if you come to a specific 'Jump Spot, just like in a Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time...you know, a game that came out nearly fourteen fucking years ago!

So your character has come back from the goddamn dead and is the dude or dudette that can single-handedly change the outcome of a previously lost conflict but he can't fucking jump? Oh that is just a hurricane of ass.

What this turns into is a clever way of concealing how limited the world really is. See those high cliffs? Better hope there is a trail that gently leads you up to them or else they are just another wall to your exploration. See those waist high rocks that lead to a small thicket of trees, just decoration.

Speaking of trails, the routes you may travel in the seemingly massive world are surprisingly linear and direct. Sure there will be plenty of areas where you can head off the beaten path to dick around for a bit but these never truly get you anywhere. Nearly every settlement or place of interest is found by following the developer's guiding hands, cleverly disguised as roads or trails.

You will follow the trail, fuckbag. 

Why would you spend so much time building such a pretty world with a novel's worth of lore and story and put the player through a very pretty version of a corridor shooter? I mean, we have games like Fallout, Grand Theft Auto, Red Dead Redemption, and many more that generally reward the player for dicking around and exploring the playground that is the developer's world. Here, in Amalur, all you ever get might be another trinket in a chest. Nothing to do, nothing to see, and certainly nothing to gain.


3. Broken Mechanics Are Broken


Remember earlier how I said that the combat felt great? Well, it did for the first five hours. However, once I started to get used to particular skills, the flow of combat, and how to level my character in the proper way, I became an unstoppable force of pure destruction. In the forty or so hours I played the game, I didn't die once. Nothing could stop me, ever.

You see, there are a bunch of ways to handle combat in the game. There is magic, stealth, bow and arrows, and a variety of melee weapons.

Let me tell you this, craft yourself a good ass hammer, invest heavily in one of the two ranged options, find solid armor that heals you over time, and some armor pieces that boost whatever ranged option you took and you will never need anything ever again.

Not even the Lollipop Guild can stop me!

Too many enemies to hammer fuck to death? Use the unlimited sprint your character automatically has to gain some distance and then use the constantly regenerating magic meter or arrow supply that your character automatically has to pour your wrath into your foes. Clean up the rest with your hammer. Take any damage, that's ok! Just have yourself a cigarette, or make a sandwich, or fuck with the cat for a bit and your armor will heal you right up. Do this for every encounter and you never lose!

For a while I was having fun finding treasure chests and piles of various loot to either use or sell. But once I found that aforementioned kit (a really good hammer, a really good bow, the skill tree for the bow, and healing armor) I realized there was no point! None at all. My hammer wasn't even getting close to being outclassed for twenty goddamn hours of play. That is right, I was able to use the same kit for twenty hours of play! What is the point of going through all the development hell of dumping dozens and dozens of weapons and gadgets in a game when every enemy is so easily overcome by one load out for so long? That is insane!

Bring it, Fuckbag

So maybe you decide to mix up your kit just for the sake of keeping things challenging. Huzzah! Scouring the world for chests is suddenly fun again. That is until you make the mistake of investing too heavily into the lock picking skill. See, after a certain amount of lock picking skills gained, you can automatically force open any chest of a certain level. Invest enough and you can force open all but the hardest of chests! What the fuck? Forcing a chest only takes one lock pick per chest. This means that if you find yourself a good twenty-five picks you will be set to skip the normally required mini-game for hours on end.

After eighteen hours, there was literally nothing that could stand in my way (aside from magically guarded chests, but those are rare and I didn't give a shit). No enemy could stand before me, no chest was too hard to open, and I had been skipping the dialogue and story due to mind melt for thirteen hours. Holy shit, this game had lost all of its fun in eighteen hours and according to the reviews there was a good forty-two to go before I got to the end game. 

I tried, I really did. I powered through for nearly another twenty hours of gameplay. I thought surely this can't be it. Surely the story will explode right around the corner, finally I will fight a Bad Guy that truly tests me, or maybe there will at least be a few more high difficulty chests. But there wasn't! Ever! So maybe I just had to play the game longer, maybe I was really close to the cool parts. But fuck me, if I have to slap my dick around for fifty hours before something interesting happens, that is when I stop slapping my dick around and find an activity that instantly and constantly entertains. Fuck you Kingdoms of Amalur, you have failed me.

Holy shit, it has been nearly six months since I have written anything. That is really sad and needs to stop now.

I Can't Believe This Sucked

Alright, so it is a new year and I have, rather obviously, been behind on content. So, instead of

How Not To Sell Video Games On Amazon

Alright, so first things first, I fucking love Amazon. It is officially the only way I buy video games, movies, comic book collections, and books. In this post, I will be talking about that first one...video games and Amazon.

I hate pawnshops because (at least around here) their video game selection is always sub-par and overpriced. They also have a great habit of not letting you see the disc before purchase (I understand them not being in the box to prevent theft, but not letting me inspect it before purchase? What the fuck?) and they generally have a convenient no return policy. So, when you inevitably buy an overpriced and scratched to bejesus and back disc, you are fucked.

Gamestop is a joke if you are looking for anything used. Their prices are at least somewhat fair but their selection is always piled full of the absolute shittiest of shit from the last couple generations of gaming. Also, if you are able to actually find the theoretical needle in the haystack, they will try and up-sell you to death. I sympathize because I too work in customer service and understand that it is required by their job, but holy fuck is it annoying. What are the fucking chances that if I am buying Twisted Metal Black for the PlayStation 2 that I would want a year in X-box Live for free if I pre-order This Next First Person Shooter: World War Clusterfuck 8? 

So, I had heard of the awesome deals you can find on Amazon and decided to check it out and...HOLY FUCKING DONUTS ON A PLATE ON FIRE! This shit is awesome. I am always finding ridiculous deals and they are always sold by reliable people. 

At least, that is how it has been. Lately though, I have had an odd patch of shady deals and questionable selling strategies (all from sellers that had good reviews). I really hope this is just a fluke and not a sign of things I have to look forward to. In case it is not, I decided to pretend that sellers will read this and went ahead and wrote up a few of the worst selling strategies I have run into.

1. Like New Means That The Game Is Like Fucking New

The honesty of sellers on Amazon has, so far, been my favorite aspect of Amazon. For the last few months I have gone through the used section (who really wants to buy an unopened copy of Crash Bandicoot for $69.95?) and chosen to pay a few extra bucks to get the copy listed as 'Like New'. 

You know what 'Like New' should mean? Well, a new game is unopened, in pristine condition, comes with all the case artwork inset, and has a booklet inside. So, a 'Like New' game should be pretty much that except opened and maybe a few forgivable scuffs on the case. It should, indeed, come with the case, artwork inset, booklet, and uhhhh you know, the game. 

I bought these 'Like New' and indeed, they were.

For the longest time, I had no problems picking up games in 'Like New' conditions for a fraction of the price that Gamestop or pawnshops would have sold them. But then something happened. 

I found a great deal on Bushido Blade that was listed as 'Like New'. I jumped at that shit as it is one of my all time favorite fighters for the PlayStation 1. I added it to my cart with a few other gems, checked out, and waited patiently. 

A few days later I got a small, jewel case shaped package in the mail. I was so excited, I knew it was Bushido Blade because it was the only PlayStation 1 game I had ordered. But something was off. Something was very off indeed. The package was very thin, way too thin to be a jewel case. So, I timidly opened my package, not knowing what to expect and I got this:

'Like New' like my dick!

What the fucking shit is that? That is a disc in a floppy sleeve. No game manual. No art. Just a disc and that ugly ass sleeve. How can you even think to label that as 'Like New'? How the duck fuck could a person do that? 

Now, don't get me wrong. I have and will buy these 'disc in a sleeve' deals. I actually have a few of them. But when I bought them, I knew exactly what I was buying. The seller clearly stated that 'The disc has zero scratches but I have long since lost the case and booklet and will have to send it to you in a floppy sleeve.' Also, they are generally kind enough to sell it to you for spare-ass-change because of the lack of anything but the disc. 

So, I like to pretend that human beings aren't always awful and this guy was just scared no one would buy it (he had great reviews on a bunch of shit he had sold), and decided to lie to get it sold. So let me tell you, honesty will still sell. As long as the game disc is clean and plays, someone will grab it. Just tell people straight up that it plays but has no case or booklet (and maybe to show good faith to the buyer, sell it for a bit cheaper than the average 'Used' condition asking price).

2. Be Honest With The Product You Are Selling

This kind of fits in with the previous statement, but it has nothing to do with the condition of the product. This is when people straight up lie about the product they are selling. 

The best example I have is very recently when I was seeking a new PlayStation 2 controller. I am one of those finicky bastards that will not touch a generic controller. My general experience with them is that they feel weird in my hands and or have less than desirable button feedback and or simply have crap buttons (too clunky, too big, too small, too sticky, etc,.). 

So, I was shopping around for a PS2 Dual Shock 2 controller, new preferably. I found the dream controller. The picture and description were all showing me the exact controller I wanted, unopened in it's original damn box. And it was going for a solid price. Now that, is class! So, I checked into the seller and saw that he had eighteen solid reviews and bought the fuck out of that. 

Yesterday, a big ol' package arrived and I knew what that fucker was! I was so excited to tear open my new parcel and carefully unpack the brand new controller, soaking in every inch of new plastic scent (I know there are others that love that smell, it isn't just me). 

I pulled it out and yep, it was brand new in it's original box but it was not my Dual Shock 2 pad. It came in a box that looked just like the DS2's box and the controller even looked like the DS2. But printed on the side were the fucking words, 'Analog Controller 2'. What...what the fuck? The controller looked just like this, except mine isn't wireless (I haven't managed to take a picture of my own yet):

DOPPELGANGER! 

In all fairness, the pad plays just fine. The buttons are just a bit stiff, but I am sure with a few months of use I will come to break it in (or stop noticing). All my complaints come down to the whole concept of the sell. I didn't come in looking for a Chinese (no racism, it was made in China) generic Analog Controller 2. I came in looking for a fucking Dual Shock 2 controller, dammit. If I wanted an Analog Controller 2, I would have been searching for one, wouldn't I? 

If this guy had labeled his product with a proper picture and a description making note that it plays just like the real thing, I probably wouldn't have bought it. So I understand why he decided to be a deceiving dick, but fuck me! That sucks! This is exactly why I left pawnshops and other stores behind! I wanted to buy reliable products from reliable vendors. 

So please, don't tell people they are buying one thing and sell them another. Just be fucking honest and hope someone buys it. Even though the product works just fine, I still gave the guy a bad review, explaining that I had been duped and the principal of the matter is what warranted a crap review from me, if you think I am a dick for doing so...I won't be buying from you. 

3. Japan And America Are Rather Different In Formatting  

Again, this blends in well with the other two categories, but it is a bit different and I didn't want to just write one big block of text. This has to do with the fact that Japanese formatted video games do not play on American formatted consoles.

So, I got my copy of Bushido Blade (even if it is in a fucking sleeve) and wanted the sequel as I had never played it before and felt an urge to check it out. I fished around  and found an awesome deal on a copy of it in 'Like New' condition. With this image as the product picture:

Now, I am not an idiot (well, I am...but not when it comes to video games) and know about formatting issues. I in fact own a few Japanese formatted games that weren't released over here and the proper chip patch to play them. However, I only had one controller so I planned to play it on the PlayStation 2. So I checked, and yep...that is certainly the Western cover of the game, and no where in the description had he indicated that it might be anything more than it seemed. Hurray!

A few days go by and once again, I get an uppercut of disappointment mailed to me. I open up the parcel and I must give the seller serious credit for knowing what 'Like New' means. I think he even took the art out of the original jewel case and replaced it with a whole new one because there wasn't even a damn fingerprint on the case. But there was one thing seriously wrong here, the case looked like this:

Fuck.

Sure enough, I had gotten the Japanese version of the game. I was a bit miffed, but at least I had my old modded PlayStation 1 that could play this particular format. I would just have to buy a second controller when I had the chance, not a big deal. However, this game informed me that the old workhorse had gone out to pasture. I could have fucking cried (but instead, I did what a man does when a loved one dies: I bought two 40oz of Olde English). I remember when I got the damn thing for my seventh birthday in 1996 and it had been with me ever since. So now, I had a game I couldn't play and the death of a beloved console on my hands. Fuck.

So don't do that. Figure out what fucking version of a game you have and sell it as such. Or else you might just break the heart of a twenty-two year old, gaming drunk. 

R.I.P.

Playstation 1

August 23, 1996 - December 21, 2011
This Christmas will be colder than usual. You will be missed, more than likely replaced, but never forgotten.

The Dark Knight Rises: My Second Look

So way back in January, when the Catwoman and Bane were just announced for the new Batman movie, I launched straight into angry nerd mode and lashed out at the decision. Though I tried to be fair and let people know that I was still rather positive the movie would still be ball-rockingly awesome, I was still pretty harsh and critical.

The suit had BatNipples. Fucking BATNIPPLES! AAAGGHHH!

Now that the second trailer has been released and a seven minute prologue occasionally pops up online (a Bane action scene and a few snippets at the end) when it isn't getting yanked by Big Brother, I feel that I need to take a second look and, most importantly, say that...I was really fucking wrong.

First of all here is my raging first opinion

*****

To start, my first point made in that original piece still kind of stands. If you were too lazy to skim over that first article, here is a quick summary:

I was hoping that, like the first movie, Nolan would cap off the trilogy by bringing one or more new villains to the screen. And despite all the differences, added realism, and gritty seriousness I just will not be as wowed by having these two characters brought to life because I have seen them done before (even if it was shitty). 

Well, that is still mostly true. Now, if you are wondering how in the fuck can that be mostly true (I mean most fucking people are either surprised or they are not, right?), hear me out. I am still not surprised by the characters themselves, but I am surprised by how they look.

And no one looked even half as ridiculous!

Bane looks surprisingly un-Bane like (which is a bloody fucking good thing, when shooting for realism), as he isn't a hulking giant, there are no Venom tubes running into his mask, and (so far) no Venom bullshit at all. All he has is his mask and scary (but not unseemly) size.

We have barely seen anything of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman (aside from a couple crappy still shots), but we have gotten to see her as Selina Kyle. If the line she delivers in the newest trailer is any clue, she is going to light that role on fire and shove it up the ass of everyone who doubted her being cast for the role. She looks/sounds/moves (if you know Catwoman, just the way Hathaway carries herself in the trailer is perfect) in a stunningly believable way (for someone playing a character called Catwoman).

So, all-in-all, I halfway concede my original point as I admit to being very surprised by how great Anne Hathaway and Tom Hardy look in their respectful roles (I was also kind of expecting this to happen when I looked back on how much flack Heath Ledger caught before people actually saw him as The Joker).

*****

The second thing I bring up in the original post doesn't require much revisiting as the majority of it is just me living in Batman fanatic dreamland and cooking up a pipe dream where someone just made a trilogy out of Knightfall.

Oh wait, it looks like Nolan is using a fuck ton of Knightfall for source material and is going to be delivering pretty much everything I idly dreamed about in the original post. Fuck me.

The biggest thing from Knightfall, is that Bane breaks the Bats' back. It seems that Nolan may be following that road as in the second trailer, you can see reflections of him walking with a cane and a bad limp, Bane delivers his only line in the trailer to an unmasked and terrified looking Bruce. So, whether or not we get to see the Bat get broken, is still to be revealed. But at least it is pretty much confirmed that Bane is going to fuck his day up, really badly.

Pictured: things that are about to end badly.

Second, there seems to be an awesome prison break in Gotham. It is plain as day and highlighted in the trailer, holy awesome titties! That is exactly one of the things I was rambling about that made Knightfall so rad, Bane breaking out all the loonies and siccing them on the city. Sure, it isn't the ridiculous list of B-listers that get unleashed in the comic book, but that would be suicide for Nolan to try and implement. So, I will gladly take Bane unleashing a horde of prisoners on the city instead.

Don't think they are auditioning for the new Village People...

The third biggest thing that made Knightfall important was Bane's intelligence. In Knightfall, he wasn't just a big idiotic brute. No, he was a genius, criminal mastermind, and decidedly insane brute. He didn't just break the Bat physically, he broke him mentally. He beat the Batman on all levels present. Well, it is looking like Nolan is going with that version of Bane, if the prologue is anything to go on.

Speaking of the prologue, I am not going to ruin it anyone, as it is a whole seven minutes of the movie and completely crapped on by the grainy footage and shit sound. All I will say is that it definitely shows us that Nolan's Bane is capable of pulling off incredibly intelligent, daring crimes. This one quite nearly puts the bank robbery at the beginning of The Dark Knight to shame.

So yep, despite my second point not really being a point and more just delusional fantasy, it seems my pipe dream is coming true. Well, at least as much of it as realistically can.

*****

The third thing I bring up in that original fart in the wind is a simple pondering as to what kind of Catwoman we will be seeing, as there are many different interpretations of the character all throughout the comics.

And as I said earlier, we have yet to see even a glimmer of the answer. However, we have gotten a really great look at Selina Kyle and that should reveal a lot about the type of Catwoman that will be gracing our presence. And I can firmly say, I think it is going to be awesome.

Hopefully better than the screenshots suggest, at least.

This is what she says to Bruce in the trailer during a dance, "Do you think this is gonna last? There's a storm coming, Mr. Wayne. You and your friends better batten down the hatches, because when it hits, you're all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us"

That right there, ladies and gentlemen, is some class warfare shit. It also helps that the trailer instantly cuts to rich people getting exploded and dragged out from under furniture. This kitty is going to tear shit up and is probably going to play a very complicated role in the fight for Gotham City. What with Bane representing the lower class and turning the city back over to the every man instead of the rich, but Batman representing true justice...holy fuck! Things are going to get insane really fast.

*****

The fourth point really has no need to revisit. It is just the fear that Spider-Man 3 has instilled in me, a fear that will last until the end of time. The fear of a great director taking a great series and piling too much on his plate for the finale and shitting all over everything.

Oh my! I am covered in fuck!

Not much to revisit because only time will really tell. We are just going to have to wait until next Summer to see how Nolan plays his final hand.

*****

Finally comes my last point and the one that I feel I need to dismiss the most. I had stated in the original entry that this third movie was going to feel way more like a comic book action movie rather than a dramatically told, fleshed out tale of the highs and lows of being a hero.

This newest trailer has obviously told me that I need to eat my own balls out of shame for ever doubting how Nolan will end the trilogy. This movie is going to be fantastic. The newest trailer shows how much he has invested in this film and how much he wants you to love it.

I can't fucking wait.

Three Ways To Ensure That Customer Service Doesn't Hate You

Alright, now I realize that most of those that might read this probably are working in customer service and the rest will hopefully already have these basic concepts down. I am mainly writing this because I have no idea how to handle my feelings if I am not yelling, drunk, or both. Seeing as I have no one to frighten with passionate swearing at ten in the morning, I decided to instead turn it into an article.

So yeah, customer service is pretty much getting paid fuck nothing to get kicked in the chest repeatedly. I have worked customer service nearly all of my short life. The only time I wasn't dealing with pricks and bitches was when I was cutting down trees in Idaho and generally wishing for death or when I was briefly a dishwasher and generally wishing for alcohol poisoning.

I have been a bitch for the moderately Midwest wealthy (who all acted like they were Fortune 500) at a golf course, I have made sandwiches, I have delivered sandwiches, and now I am working the front desk at a hotel. With these jobs as experience, I have compiled this short list of how to get along with your friendly neighborhood errand bitch even better, enjoy!


1. Always Remember, I Don't Give A Single Fuck.


This is the first thing you need to get into your head. The guy/lady fetching drinks/ringing your bill/getting you a room/whatever the fuck is paid to be nice, smiling, and friendly. So, yeah, if I have to I will listen all day and night long about how your son fist fucked his teacher and your sister Suzy can't pay her rent with home grown pot or whatever the shit you are slinging pertains to. I will listen to it all with a smile, nod and the friendliest, 'Oh, really?' that I can possibly muster.

They always end up sounding like this

But that is the thing, it is 'I will listen' and not 'I want to listen'. It is all up to you, buddy. Are you going to make me do this, or can we just move the fuck along and get our brief interaction over and get you to where you need to go?

The more concise you make our interaction, the faster you work to get this over and done with all goes towards whether or not I curse your wretched existence while I vomit from challenging the dickhead in the mirror to a drinking game.


2. Don't Shoot The Messenger. 


Here is a big fucking surprise to the world: there is generally more than one person working at a store/bar/restaurant/hotel/whatever. Seriously, you can take a seat if this is too much to take in; but it isn't just me in there, running around and taking care of everything.

Working as a delivery driver and at the hotel is where I have seen people shoot the messenger the most. As a delivery driver it was extremely rare that I made the sandwich, I just brought it to your abusive mug. So it was always a grand ol' day when someone would ask to check their sandwich before I left, discover something wrong with it, and then freak the fuck out on me. So then I would be out on tip, have to waste the gas going back to the shop to get a replacement, and then the gas right back.

How I wanted to deliver sandwiches

It is very similar at the hotel (minus tips and gas worry). Let me tell you, if the dude working behind the desk is cleaning the rooms as well, you are either confused and actually at a friend's house or you are at the wrong fucking hotel. It is extremely rare for me to step foot into the rooms. So, if a room is dirty but labeled clean in the computer and there are no notes saying otherwise anywhere, guess what? That fucker is clean as can be, to me. So, I sell you a dirty room and your first instinct is to flip out on me? What the fuck is that about?

The same shit happens to a bunch of waiters and waitresses I have talked to. Now, they understand that they are at fault if they bring out a burnt ass steak when they clearly took an order for a medium steak. That is something they can see. But most complaints come from subtler things that would only be known by the cook staff and the unfortunate customer. Sadly though, tons of people flip the fuck out on their waiter or waitress and cut their tip.

Excuse me, but I seem to have eaten it all. And it is your fault. FUCK YOU!

So the next time you get shit service, this is what I want you to do. First, fucking calm down. Second, establish where the blame lies.

If I give you a dirty room, it takes just a few seconds to ask me if I am responsible for the cleanliness of the room, then inform me that the room I gave you is dirty, and let me apologize and move you to a different room (complaints that are polite and calm are generally met with sincere apologies and sweet discounts).

If I bring you a sandwich and it is fucked, ask me who made the sandwich. I know some people are dicks but I always owned up if I did make the sandwich. Or I can explain that I had no idea of the contents of the sandwich because I am only the lowly delivery driver. Now I can be on my way to get you a new one all the while being mad at my coworkers rather than you for screaming at me.

If your waiter or waitress brings you food that is fuck awful. Establish if your food is noticeably foul looking, if not then calm down and realize that there is no fucking way that the person handing you your plate could have known it was fucked. Then politely tell your server that there was an issue and send it back. Your waiter will then do his fucking job and haul ass yelling at the chef for killing his tip and get you a new plate.

Don't just stare at it, chef. Eat it. 

All I am saying is it is so damn easy to save a hassle and a scene for everyone involved and just calm the fuck down by not screaming at the person who just happens to be right in front of you and just so happened to be involved in the process at some point. If you absolutely have to scream at someone, just know that you are screaming at the right person.


3. Remember I Am (mostly) Human


To me, this is the simplest and most important one. If you want to go on and on about your life or whatever, go ahead I guess. I mean, I am getting paid for it and I can always laugh about you with my friends later. If you want to scream in my face and call me a piece of rat shit rolled around in foul meat, go ahead I guess. I mean, I can still afford a case of beer and kill hookers while cursing your name in Grand Theft Auto. But, don't you dare forget that I am a human being.

I am painfully aware that I work for absolute dick wages, can barely afford my bills, and nearly freeze every night in my apartment. I am only truly happy two days a week, if I am playing video games, drunk, or hanging out with my girlfriend. So, I can't fucking tell you what it means to me if you tell me a simple 'Thanks,' 'Hey, thanks for helping me out,' or 'I appreciate that there weren't bees in my room.' Seriously, some old dude said that last one to me once and it really made my day.

Every time I fucking stay at a Best Western, Martha. Every time!

So go out to eat and thank your waiter. Go get drunk and thank the bartender for having a stiff pour and a vigilant eye for empties. Get delivery and thank the dude for being rather speedy. And most importantly, stay at a hotel and thank them for not having bees in the room.

Grand Theft Auto IV: Looking Back

Alright, so anyone that reads my blog should have figured out that I am pretty much perpetually behind in video games. Unless it is Batman, I just don't see the point of shelling out sixty bucks for a new game when I can get five or more rock solid titles of the past for the same price. By my math, I will get around to writing about Skyrim in the year 2015.

Get off my lawn!

So, recently I went on a Grand Theft Auto kick. I fired up my old copies of Vice City and San Andreas (sadly, GTA III was too scratched and crashed to hell and back). I discovered that neither of these games suffered from nostalgia glasses (I figured San Andreas would hold up, but was worried about Vice City) and I enjoyed the ever living shit out of both of them (except for the end of Vice City where you have to wait for your money to grow, buy a business, and then beat it's missions to continue to the final mission...that was a load of crap). So, a bit surprised, I decided it was time for the ultimate test: Grand Theft Auto IV.

Sure, I remember it being stupidly good when I first played it and I was sure it would still be fun. However, in the days of Saints Row 2 and 3 (where you can do simply the most ridiculous shit), would I still love the more stripped back, toned down nature of GTA IV?

The short answer: fucking yes.

I was blown away, the game did things that I didn't remember from my last play through. I feel it took the ridiculous nature of Saints Row and the immediacy of modern shooters for me to truly appreciate what GTA IV did. So, journey with me, if you are so kind, and let us see just what it was that brought me to dropping forty-two hours in playtime and falling stupidly in love with this game.


1. This Game Is Beautiful

From everything I have heard and seen, Skyrim is fucking gorgeous to behold. It gives you a whole living world to play in, a world that you actually feel is living and breathing. A nearly flawless organic experience. Something you can truly lose yourself in.

Amazingly, Rockstar managed to do all this back in 2008. This game isn't an RPG and Rockstar didn't need to put such a huge amount of detail into this version of Liberty City, hell most of the time you are flying through the streets in a car chase and won't even notice all the time they put into the city.

Just...just look at it!

But once you do, it is jaw dropping. It first happened for me when I decided to take a cigarette break but figured, 'Hey I can take a cab ride to the mission start, I don't even have to stop playing!' So, I did just that and had fun fiddling around, taking in the sights from the back of a cab. And then something happened. The ash grew to huge proportions at the end of my cigarette and I simply couldn't look away. Every building has unique flourishes, the downtown area is full of dazzling lights, funny billboards add jokes and more depth to the world, the driver chats, jokes, honks, and yells at pedestrians the whole way, the draw distance allows you to see towering skyscrapers in the distance, steam rises from sewer grates, and the sidewalks are full of all the diverse pedestrians going about their business. It was truly incredible. Ever since then, that became my smoke break routine: set a way point as far across the map as I could, hop in a cab, light up, and take in the sights.

The fact that a fucking video game had me so enthralled to fucking sight see never stopped blowing my mind.


2. This Is A Game About Characters


Every Grand Theft Auto game is jam packed with funny, terrible, idiotic, insane, or psychotic characters. It is one of the best parts of the GTA series. However, aside from a stray few here and there, I never truly cared about the characters. All of their motivations were cliche and straight out of mafia/gangster movies. They wanted money, fame, or just to kill a bunch of people.

Now, don't get me wrong, GTA IV has a good handful of characters just like that. However, the majority is, for once, leaning towards characters with (somewhat) honest intentions.

Your character's cousin Roman just wants to gamble, expand his taxi company, marry the love of his life, see titties at the strip club, and generally live up the American dream. He is always trying to get Niko (your character) to stop killing. That is right, a character in a Grand Theft Auto game that wants your main character to let go of his hatred and stop killing, to settle down into a (mostly) normal life.

Brucie is a steroid addled meathead who wants nothing more than girls, fast cars, and shit loads of money. He is one of the funniest characters I have ever encountered in a video game and a really refreshing break from the classic psychopaths you are always running into in these games.

"Genetically different, bro!"

Dwayne is a down on his luck, nearly suicidal, gangster from the past. He is fresh from a prolonged prison sentence and absolutely blown away by how much the world has changed. All he really wants is a friend and just a little piece of his past life back. However, he is so broken up about how much 'the game' has changed that he simply doesn't have the heart for it anymore.

In most of the GTA games, if you end up working for the mob, you generally work for the big cheese. The sharks in a pool of guppies. You are just their hired gun taking down the competition. GTA IV flips that and has you working for a mob member who is a bit of a joke in the family. All he wants is respect and a proper piece of the pie. Sure you end up doing similar crap as you would in any other GTA mob mission (i.e. killing and blowing crap up), but it is the feeling that is different. For once I found myself thinking, 'This guy can't make it without me. He needs me.'


3. Decisions, Decisions and Deception (and they will all break your heart)


Alright, now here there be spoilers. But, this game is three years old, so if you haven't played it yet...too fucking bad, you had your chance.

GTA IV, like many modern games, implements some game changing decisions throughout. However, there is no heavy handed 'morality meter' and nothing as stupid as telling you, 'Choosing this will make this happen and choosing this will make this happen'. The decision all comes down to what you feel is right. The game will roll with whatever you choose, it is only you that will have to live with what you have done.

Here is a great one, remember the aforementioned Dwayne? Well you meet him through Playboy X who was something of a student of Dwayne's. Playboy is dealing in all sorts of sordid affairs to build his empire, but swears he is just doing it long enough to get out of the game and then give it back to the community. When Dwayne comes back, Niko helps him take back a club he used to own. The problem here is that the club is now owned by Playboy X. Playboy (almost begrudgingly) tasks you with taking out Dwayne so as to be sure this doesn't become a recurring problem. Dwayne figures this will happen and asks that you kill Playboy so that Dwayne can have another shot at life.

Holy shit! Playboy may be an asshole for asking you to kill his former friend, but it is coming from a (mostly) business point of view. Plus Dwayne is fairly depressed and may even be suicidal. Maybe you are just putting him out of his misery? But then I thought about how Dwayne has said (several times) that he just wants a friend and to try and scrape his way together in this new world. He is such a sad and lonely man. Could I really put a gun to his head and pull the trigger?

I just need a fwiend. 

Decisions like these are peppered throughout the game and all of them are very hard to make. Not because you are worried about how some silly morality bar will slide and not because you are worried how the game with play out (though there are some slight changes, this isn't an RPG...the game will move right on along). The choices are tough because they actually make you think. They build these characters as humans (even the pricks) and you actually have to think to yourself, 'Which one of these poor bastards can I forgive myself for putting in the grave?'

Think I am bullshitting? I was drunk when I played the Playboy vs. Dwayne decision and drunk me said, 'Fuck it, it's a game. I bet Playboy will give me a bunch of money if I kill Dwayne.' So, I went over to Dwayne's where he only had one lowly bodyguard armed with a bat, Dwayne himself didn't even fight back, and he didn't plead, all he said was, 'I thought we were friends. I guess the world really has changed.' When I pulled the trigger, Niko looked away. My fucking character didn't even want to kill him! I didn't even hesitate, I turned the game off and reloaded my file. I sacrificed the five hours I had just played to avoid that heart wrenching moment. I eventually made up my lost playtime, made it to the decision, and of course Playboy has several well armed bodyguards, he fights back, and then he runs into the street begging and pleading for his life. Neither Niko nor myself hesitated to put him down.


4. Niko


Niko is the main protagonist and the character you play as through the game. He hails from the Balkans, participated in the Yugoslav war, saw a bunch of awful shit, had his entire unit killed in front of him, and eventually follows his cousin, Roman, to the States in search of a better life.

Pictured: a better life

Eventually he learns two others survived his unit and figures one of them sold out the others for money.

You are playing as a character who is looking to leave his old life behind and find closure by discovering who betrayed his unit. Yes, many missions involve shooting a bunch of dudes but they have to because this is a Grand Theft Auto game. If you are able to roleplay a bit and get into the character (which I did), you won't find a lot of joy in running down civilians or shooting up random people (unless you are drunk, because the ragdoll physics are hilarious). I was playing a character who just wanted to do what he needed to do to build a better life for himself and his cousin.

He is cynical to his employers, always questioning why someone needs to die, and will generally try to argue his way out of being an errand boy. When his cousin is kidnapped, you get to see the fury of Niko Bellic and it is beautiful.

You travel to an abandoned warehouse and shoot it out with the kidnappers while Niko is constantly shouting things like, 'I live here with my cousin!' Rockstar does such a great job of showing how much love he has for his family and those that truly mean something to him.

Literally everything you do in the game (getting drunk, playing missions, shootouts, playing pool) will build more pieces of his character and you will fall in love with him. You will truly want to take care of the character you play as and see to it that he does well in the life the game pads out for him.

Then comes the big moment. You discover who betrayed you, Darko Brevic, and he is given to you bound and standing right in front of you. He reveals that he sold out the unit for a thousand dollars, Niko can't believe this but is called a hypocrite when Darko asks, 'And how much do you charge to take a life, Niko Bellic?' He then begs Niko to kill him, to free him from his demons. Roman asks Niko to walk away, reasoning that letting him live is a worse punishment than death. You are now given a choice, walk away or take your revenge? I did it. I pulled the trigger. Niko shoots him twelve times (once for each of his lost friends?) and then walks away. In the car ride home, Niko tells Roman that he doesn't feel any better. that he now simply feels empty. I failed Niko. I didn't give him what he wanted. And this time, I couldn't bring myself to reset because I had passed a really tough mission I didn't want to do again since the last time I had saved. I felt like I had let down an entirely fictional character made up of polygons and pixels. I had never had that happen before.

I'm sorry, cousin.

That level of connection between character and player is absolutely beautiful and very rare in the video game culture.


5. You Don't Win


So many video game developers are absolutely terrified of delivering a truly sad, dramatic ending. It is seen as alright to do in cinema because the cost of admission is cheaper for the consumer and it only requires a couple hours of your time. Whereas in video games, they can require anywhere from eight to forty plus hours of your time. It is figured that no one wants to invest that much time to see a sad ending.

Rockstar has shown that that is simply not true with Grand Theft Auto IV and continuing in Red Dead Redemption (I will probably be writing about that in the near future).

In most Grand Theft Auto games, money eventually becomes a joke. In Vice City I finished with about 800 million dollars for fuck's sake. Grand Theft Auto IV is different. You will finish the game with more money than you or I could make in a year, sure. But you won't break a million bucks by the end of the game (especially if you choose the 'I actually have some morality left' choices). This isn't a 'rags to riches' story. This is a 'rags to doing alright' story.

On top of this, no matter what you do, someone close to you is going to die. In the end you can choose revenge which results in Niko's beloved Kate getting killed. Or you can choose to make a deal with the villain, which results in your cousin dying.

Him?

Or her?

Most cruelly, these choices make you think that that specific character won't get killed. It is your cousin that wants you to make the deal so that you can get a shitload of cash and help give Roman and his fiance a lavish honey moon. It is Kate who tells you not to go back on your morals and refuse the deal. So you go with what you feel is right and the person most represented by that ideal ends up dead. Holy shit!

"Kate, we have to go back!"

So you go on this final ride, get revenge on the ass that killed your cousin or beloved but that is it. You have some money and a few friends. But what did you really gain? What did you lose? Was it worth it? And, if you are anything like me, you will be pondering the decisions you made throughout the game over and over, long after the credits roll. Which to me, says that the developers did everything right and created a video game that truly transcends the ideas of what a video game is capable of as a medium for entertainment.