My proposed rewrite for The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

As you have probably heard by now, people have just now noticed that Mark Twain used the word 'nigger' (or 'the n-word) a solid two hundred times in his book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. How they are just now noticing this is beyond me. Maybe they (they being whoever made this stunning discovery) were drunk and thought it would be fun to see what American classics have offensive or rascist tones and words it. I don't know nor do I care. I think it is kind of ridiculous that they are hacking away at an American classic, but I do kind of understand. Dozens of books have been censored or edited to tone down racial overtones (how many of you know that the Oompa-Loompas in Charlie and Chocolate Factory were originally written as African pygmies?) and they walked away from their rewrites with their dignity intact. Who says that Huck Finn won't do the same?

However, there is a bit of a difference with Huck Finn when compared to other book. Mainly the difference between tone and words. Mark Twain just outright drops the N-bomb two hundred times in the book. It is easy enough to change the tone of something (change the Oompa-Loompas skin to orange...oh wait, that is still racist. Uhh, OK now they are white. Is everyone comfortable and happy now?) But it gets more difficult when it is an actual thing that a character says.

For instance, here is a classic quote (and one everyone is waving around as a good example of why this edit is needed) from the book:

"Well, if I ever struck anything like it, I'm a nigger. It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race."

Huck Finn is talking about two characters conning the entire town. So, he is pretty much using that derogatory term to liken black people to thieves. And that lowering himself to stealing from so many people would make one. Ouch. That...that is pretty racist. However, if you look at the time and place this story takes place...it (though terribly so) makes sense that this kid would be saying something like this. It is the 1840s in bum-fuck Missouri. For fuck's sake, he looks like this:

 My cousin is also my Pa!

Don't you start fucking tracing my IP address and throwing bricks through my window, I am in no way defending the use of this word. All I am saying is that it isn't going to be easy to change that sentence around. Especially since Mark Twain is using this book as a major platform against entrenched attitudes. What is an entrenched attitude. Why, how about...fucking racism in the South I mean you can't make this backwoods fuck sound intelligent. I really don't know what else you are going to do.

So, I have come up with the ultimate rewrite.

I. Bring. To. You....

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn Connor and the T-1000

The set up requires adding a bit of back story to the book but that is ok. Something like this will do:

In the year 2029, Skynet sends a T-1000 Terminator back to 1984 to destroy Sarah Connor. This, is not that story. This is the story of before Skynet had perfected its time travel technology and was just shitting T-1000's all over history, like a drunk trying to fuck a vaccuum cleaner. One of them landed in the back ass woods of Missouri in the 1840s. He was immediately sodomized and given a gun. Apparently, they thought it was his birthday. After killing the strange greeting party, the T-1000 learned that an ancestor of Sarah Connor lived in here. He was an imbred and constantly drunk teenager named Huckleberry Finn Connor...

Simply change the story to make it this crazy adventure with all the crazy hijinx of Huckleberry Finn Connor but with the added drama and action of running away from an unstoppable killing machine! After witnessing the death and destruction this thing causes, Huck and company start using it as a derogatory term!

"Well, if I ever struck anything like it, I'm a T-1000. It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race."

Look at that shit, I just killed two birds with one stone. I removed the racism and I just made this book exciting for an entire new generation.

You may start sending me my royalty checks..........now.