Hiccups - the Antithesis of Awesome

Fuck an antelope being devoured by a cheetah, its Friday. I just got off of work and I am ready to roll. Who cares that its 8am, I have an excuse; I work overnights. 

I throw on some gray jeans and my denim vest and hit the fucking town. Well the town as in the one bar that opens at 8am. Everything is riding smoother than the Governator hiding an illegitimate kid..oh wait. Ok, let's try again...everything is riding smoother than Michelle Anne Sinclair in an anal porn.

I make it to the bar and thankfully, the bartender isn't the bitch from the Miller Lite ads

  Cunt

I am flirting and generally being fucking awesome when some droopy dicked towny comes my way and decides that I am being too generally wanted by the bartender that is, you know, twenty-three years too young for him.

I have drank enough by this point to give a prestigious speech on why Spider-Man 2 was just one hell of a movie, so I step out in the parking lot with him.

As most drunken bar fights between two white guys goes, we started with the verbal assault. He went with the patented, 'squirrel has had too much to drink and decides to mimic human speech' method.

 Gibraltar rocking chair...your fathers cologne!

I knew that I was all lined up. I knew that this man was fucked; before I ran arm-flailingly from a physical confrontation t was going to verbally assault this man so hard. 

'Your mother *HIC*....

'Woah...what was that? Hold on let me try again...

'Your mother was raped by God and *HIC* ...

'Shit fist a super powered kitten! What is happening? One more time...

'Your mother was *HIC* raped by God *HIC* and didn't even give birth to *HIC* Jesus. Your mother was *HIC* just raped. Raped by *HIC* God. Raped for no good *HIC* reason...by God.'

Yeah! That will get him good! Teach him a thing or two before I flee as if my ass were lit on fire by a particularly upset anti-capture Pokemon.

Hahaha...you own a Chihuahua

However, before I even had to worry about running away, arms a flailing, and masturbating to that one episode of X-Files where Gillian Anderson flashes some bra all night...he just started laughing. Laughing. 

'Didn't you hear that part about...about your mother? I hit her harder than your father did when after he tried to help you with your algebra homework!'

'Yeah, yeah I guess you would have...but it was like hearing a joke from a prepubescent kid that cums just everywhere, just...just everywhere, when he thinks of that one episode of X-Files where Gillian Anderson shows just a bit of bra.'

'But...but...but...!'

So I walked away, emasculated, from a potential hardcore, arm flailing escapey, throw down. But maybe I could still hit on the cute bartender! Yes, that could totally happen.

'So, are you *HIC* from around here?'

'Haha what? Could you not Rain Man over here? Its bad for business.'

'Sorry, I can't *HIC* help it. I was just wondering *HIC* what your plans for the night were?'

'Haha that is so cute! Its like a Michael J. Fox that got punched by a fork lift is trying to hit on me.'

'Hey, I know this is *HIC* sucky...but it really *HIC* says nothing about my personality! And fuck you, Jason Stone was a sweet character in Mars Attacks!'

'Haha wow, you know that off the top of your head? Why don't you go home and masturbate, furiously, to Gillian Anderson in that episode of X-Files where she flashed some side boob?!'

But...but...but!