My Ridiculously Long Winded Super Bowl Predictions...uh oh

Yes fools, you read that right. The Bus is writing a mother fucking sports article. How is this possible? I mean it is coming from the guy who hasn't played a sport that didn't involve drinking since 2007. Also, I don't know dick about football. All I know is that the Raider's owner looks like Freddy Krueger.

I'll kill you slow!

Also, I know that a decent chunk of football players do some retarded shit. I mean, that is what I always hear from the news and shit. Fuck, I thought that was all football was; throwing a football around until you have an oppurtunity to drunkenly crash a car into a cocaine party with a dead hooker in the trunk and watching dogs fight because that's what you thought sexy time with uncle Rick meant when you were younger.

Sadly, I learned that isn't the truth. That these dudes are actually quite boring and actually (for the most part) truly care about this sport...or at least the six figure paychecks. However, that didn't fucking stop me from trying. I bring to you, my Super Bowl Predictions.

Now I know you are probably wondering, "How the hell is this dude going to make an accurate guess on who will win when he doesn't know the difference between a Tight End and a porn film?" Through fucking science Wikipedia. I have decided to print out both the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers rosters and dig through every single player's wikipedia and figure out who had the craziest team.

THE MUTHA FUCKIN' RUNDOWN!

First Round - Who has the biggest fucking player? Score is 0 - 0

+ Steelers: Have the hilariously named Chris Kemoeatu pounding in a couple a extra pies to get to an amazing 344 pounds! Impressive, how can the Packers follow that?

+Packers: The Packers apparently love them some bigger men (its like fucking a stuffed animal!) because they have two dudes (Howard Green and Ryan Pickett) coming in at 340 and B.J. Raji chilling at 337 pounds.

Final: Well, Steelers may have the biggest dude so that is going to certainly give them a point. But, come on! How is one dude, even at 344 pounds, going to hold up against three guys that are pretty much at 340? I don't know nor care if this scenario (of all four fatties duking it out) is even fucking possible...but fuck it! Packers win this round!

Second Round - Where are all the young dudes? Score is 1-2 Packers

+Steelers: I decided that I would decide (someone toss me a thesaurus up in this bitch!) who has the youngest team simply by counting how many people from each team are either twenty three or younger. The Steelers come in with an impressive ten guys! Good job, recruiters!

+Packers: Someone had to be spying on the other because this is just too strange...its a fucking a tie!

Final: Well, with both teams packing the same amount of youth...the Packers are going to keep their edge on the Steelers with zero points awarded in the second round.

Third Round - Old people generally ruin everything 1-2 Packers

+Steelers: Continuing my misunderstanding of football, I now search for the oldest fart of each team and will give a point to whomever doesn't have that dude. For the Steelers the 'Why Am I Still Playing A Game?' award goes to...James Farrior at a (still excusable) thirty six.

+Packers: Well tug my dick and kick a door in! It is a close one folks! The Packers are only off by one year...but is it younger or older? Their representative (at the just barely more excusable age of 35) is Donald Driver!

Final: So far this is just not looking good for the Steelers. Losing two of the first three categories and tying another. They need to start doing some damn winning or else...well, they won't win. One point for the Packers!

Fourth Round (and the end of the one on one comparisons): Lighter dudes...run faster? 1-3 Packers

Steelers: Alright, so we know who has the fattest, youngest, and oldest team around. But who...has the lightest? Well the Steelers are contributing Anthony Madison and Emanuel Sanders at the super light 180 pounds (still forty five pounds heavier than myself).

Packers: Are pushing Sam Shields into the arena hoping to walk away from the first round of scoring with three out of four victories...but no! Sam weighs in at 184 pounds.

Final: Alright, so that first round of number crunching and comparison was rather heated and left the Packers with a slight advantage of 3-2. However, we (I) will move into the second half of my point share: who has the most interesting shit on Wikipedia. All is fair: criminal records, hair, facial hair, names, charity, politics, etc. I will simply go by teams here giving (or taking points away) as I name various players from each team and the awesome or stupid shit they did. A maximum 3 points is available per player and a bonus 5 points is available for the most interesting team overall. 

First up is The Steelers, entering the arena with two points. 

1.) Charles Batch QB (Quick Biter)

Bringing to the game: Charity

Mr. Batch is receiving the first Jerome Bettis award for For Humanity and Community Service. It will be given to a dude (or dudette) from Pittsburgh who is...well, humane and servicable to the community. Hurray! Charlie gets this for the Best of the Batch Foundation and upgrading the basketball courts and football fields of his hometown, Homestead, PA. He has also won some other award for some other shit (this isn't a term paper, I am not writing everything down). Also, he brings care to the homeless with the most ridiculously named fundraiser ever: Charlie Batch Celebrity Golf Match for Mercy Hospital's Operation Safety Net (even the acronym is ridiculous!) 

Good job, Mr Batch. You seem pretty alright...3 points for The Steelers!

2.) James Farrior ILB (Impressive Lateral Bouncing)

Bringing to the game: Being Old and Charity

As we previously discovered, Mr. Farrior lost a point for The Steelers earlier due to being old. However, he is trying to apologize with charity. James and his brother started the foundation, Tackling Everyday Life. That's cool and all, but I already got that cornered. Its called a smooth whiskey and Iggy Pop. He also did a bunch of other shit, but I am too sour over him stealing my idea for tackling everyday life. One point to The Steelers!

Now, this is Tackling Everyday Life!

 

3.) William Gay CB (Crazy Bitch)

Bringing to the game: Yelling, 'YEAH!'

Apparently this dude made a touch down the last time he was in the Super Bowl and yelled, "YEAH!" (an act that now gets you tazered and dragged away for over celebrating) This was later mixed into the Jim Rome sound-bite called, 'Triple-Yeah!' effectively turning it into the, 'Quadruple-Yeah!' The other three yeah-ers were some dude from the Lakers a drunk Joe Namath and the forever crazy Howard Dean. Finally, something truly useful in the Super Bowl: insanity!

Congratulations Mr. Gay, keep em' on their toes with more nutcase antics! Two points to The Steelers!

Throw a helmet on him and you got Mr. Gay

 

4.) James Harrison OLB (Ol' Long Ball)

Bringing to the game: A Criminal Record 

James Harrison is called Deebo (the dick head bully from Friday) by his teammates, refused the meet and greet with President Bush and later, President Obama when his team was invited, and he is a criminal. However, he isn't the awesome kind of criminal that I like my athletes to be (you know, the gun possession, hookers, and cocaine type). Instead, he just chose to smack his girlfriend around. Boo! His dog also bit his kid, the kid's mom, and a therapist. Boo! He also aparently tried to tackle a couple people to death on the field.

This...this is Deebo

Well, being compared to Deebo sucks so knock a point off. Blowing off the president (not to be confused with blowing the president) is hardcore so add a point. Beating up girlfriends is fucking idiotic so minus two points. But, being able to tackle people so fucking hard that you get fined? Now that is just more awesome than Jason Statham fighting the entire Church of Scientology while riding on the back of a T-Rex! That certainly equals everything out to a zero balance. Zero points for The Steelers!

I finally know who I am. I am Bane. I break people.

 

5.) Jeremy Kapinos P (Pussy)

Bringing to the game: Kicking (in the wrong direction)

Plain and simple, this dude and some others were kicking balls into the stands for some reason or whatever. I don't care if those balls were being kicked to cancerous kids (unless those ball belonged to cancerous kids) or not, that is retarded. Thos things cost like, ten bucks or something and are needed to play the game. Tard.

Minus three points for The Steelers!

6.) Brett Keisel DE (Detecting Enemas)

Bringing to the game: One Fuck of a Beard

This one too is simple, but much less retarded and useless as Mr. Kapinos up there. Brett here has the greatest beard of The NFL. It has its own Facebook page and Twitter account. What can you say? Beards are awesome. Plus one point for The Steelers!

It believes in The Steelers

 

7.) Chris Kemoeatu G (Grande)

Bringing to the game: One awesome name

The dude is huge (he was the biggest out of both teams) and his name is Kemoeatu. I swear his name had to be Chris Kemo at sometime and his enemies just kept yelling, "Kemo's come to eat me!" So, he just adopted it.

One point to the Steelers!

Chris hunger! Chris EEEAAATTT

 

8.) Troy Polamalu SS (Super Slide)

Bringing to the game: Hair! Awesome hair.

Just see his teammate, Brett Keisel and replace the word 'beard' with 'hair' and remove the parts about the Facebook and Twitter pages. That is what is up with Mr. Polamalu. One point!

It too, believes in The Steelers

 

9.) Maurkice Pouncey C/G (Chillin'/Grillin')

Bringing to the game: Allegations!

They (the higher ups of the Football world...kinda like the Guardians of the Universe in Green Lantern) have alleged the shit out of Mr. Pouncey. They are thinking that he was given a bunch of money for something to do with some team losing and something, something Sugar Bowl. I don't get it. But I do know these dudes already make a fuck ton of money. You don't need any more! Boo!

Take three points away from The Steelers!

10.) Ben Roethlisberger QB (Quit Blinking!)

Bringing to the game: Reckless driving, charity, and crime! Wow!

Alright, I am fucking sick and tired of all this charity. It was cool for to see a few people showing that they aren't greedy pricks but enough is enough! We need more people like Mr. Harrison up there. Fucking hit someone you pussies! Mr Roethlisberger you just lost your team a point for being fucking boring.

BUT WAIT! There is more! Mr. Roethlisberger was in an accident while riding his motorcycle...without a fucking helmet. Normally, I would never condone this reckless behavior (oh wait, yeah I would...natural selection and all) but you would think that when your fucking job is to get smashed by people in excess of three hundred pounds, you would quickly realize the importance of a helmet. This shows insanity and balls larger than even those of Nick Nolte, plus two points!

Sadly, he has to pile on not one but two cases of sexual assault. Whether or not he was convicted or what doesn't matter (hey, the Wikipedia shit is really long...which just makes it look worse), its fucking sexual assault. Minus two points!

11.) BONUS ROUND!

Oh shit in a bag, Batman! What a crazy team we have here. I didn't even want this blog to be this fucking long. I just ran through the roster and wrote about all the interesting dudes, I even had to cut out some people. From knowing less about football than Johnny Bravo knew about picking up chicks, I am going to say that The Steelers have a very strong team. With the mix of strong point winners smashing up against some lady hittin' and too much charity...I give the Steelers THREE BONUS POINTS!

Next up, the Packers head on into the arena with the early lead of three points. How will they fare? Do they have as wide of an arsenal as The Steelers?

1.) Atari Bigby S (Sally)

Brings to the game: Name Hatin'

Wow! What an awesome name! You're fucking named Atari! I bet your life is awesome! But no, he repeatedly claims he wasn't named after the game system. I don't give a shit what you were named after. I don't care if that is what his father used to holler as he was railing his mom! If your name is fucking Atari, you rock that shit until your dick falls off.

Come ooonnn

Minus three points for having the greatest name and taking a dump on it.

2.) Donald Driver WR (West Ring)

Brings to the game: More Fucking Charity

What is up with all this shit? I am so sick of typing about the player's charity. But in all fairness, I gave some recognition and points to the other team, but this is it. Any more and I am just typing blah blah blah and taking away a point. Unless your charity is the Big Football Player That Supports Transgender Inner City Children With Medieval Weaponry. Now find me that charity and you sir have won all the points.

Mr. Driver and his wife started the Donald Driver Foundation (real original, dude) which offers assistance to ill children with unmanageable hospital bills, provides housing for the homeless, and donates to a variety of local charities. I guess I would give him three points for being charitable and shit but he is an outright media whore.

He has been involved in advertising campaigns for McDonald's, Kwik Trip, AirTran Airways, Jani-King, and Time Warner Cable. So instead, he is gonna get two points for The Packers.

3.) Greg Jennings WR (Wanton Rolling)

Bringing to the game: Acting

Ugh, why?! I don't care if it was just a bit cameo in Criminal Minds. You don't need that publicity and you don't need that money. You know what would be so much cooler? If you hit someone so hard that you got fucking fined. That's right, The Steelers know whats up. Jesus, can we get something interesting on this team, please? Minus one point.

I fucking love money. 

 

4.) Clay Matthews LB (Legal Behemoth)

Bringing to the game: Being A Viking

Just look at him. Look at this man.

Wanna guess wear I keep Mjolnir?

You know who should have been chosen to play Thor in the upcoming movie? Clay fucking Matthews. There is nothing on his Wikipedia to prove that he is a blood thirsty killer of man, but I would believe it. I mean, shit...it isn't like The Packers have anything else to entertain me with. Might as well fantasize that one of them is a blood thirsty viking god. Plus three points for The Packers!

5.) Charlie Peprah S (Skittles!!!)

Bringing to the game: Grandson of a Military President

At first glance, Mr. Peprah is nothing special. His Wikipedia is only a short paragraph and (like a lot of The Packers) there isn't even a picture of the dude. However, under that short paragraph is a single sentence. That sentence reads like this, "Peprah is the grandson of the former military president of Ghana, general Ignatius Kutu Acheampong.

Checking into his grandfather's Wikipedia is pretty sweet. Dear old grand led a revolution against the democratically elected government of Ghana in 1972. Here is some shit he did (thanks Wikipedia!),

"Notable historical changes and events introduced or implemented in Ghana during the period under Acheampong include: the change from the imperial to the metric system of measurement, change from driving on the left to right-hand drive in "Operation Keep Right", "Operation Feed Yourself" (a programme aimed at developing self-reliance in agriculture), "National Reconstruction" (aimed at promoting employment and skill for workers), face-lift projects in cities, and the reconstruction/upgrading of stadia to meet international standards.

There were, however, widespread accusations of both the encouragement and endorsement of corruption in the country under his rule."

And then he was executed by firing squad in 1979.

Holy shit! This dude has some crazy genes swimming around inside of him. I wouldn't fuck with him. Plus three points for The Packers!


6.) BONUS ROUND!

Wow, that is it? Seriously, I didn't just get lazy on The Packer's end. After going through their entire roster that is all I could find of interest. I mean there is a dude who is a oenophile and made his own wine. But I really hate wine and he can't even openly promote it because the NFL hates alcohol. The strangest thing is that a good chunk of The Packer's players have only a paragraph and no picture dedicated to their name. If I had researched them first I would just think this was possibly because they were lower ranking players (I don't know, I don't know shit about this) but The Steelers had a picture for every player and at least a few paragraphs about every player. Plus, no fucking criminals? What the fuck, Green Bay? Your team gets a bonus of negative two for being exuberently boring.

AND NOW...THE FINAL CALL FOR MY SUPER BOWL PICK...

THE STEELERS: 7
THE PACKERS: 5

THEREFORE I THEORIZE THAT THE STEELERS WILL WIN BY TWO...TOUCHDOWNS? I DUNNO, FUCK. BUT THEY WILL WIN. DAMMIT.

Plus, their fans are a fucking riot.

The Dark Knight Rises...to a whole lot of meh

If you are a Batman fan, you probably heard or read that the two villains for Christopher Nolan's final Batman installment, The Dark Knight Rises, were announced yesterday. If you haven't, welcome out from under your rock: they are Bane and Catwoman. I knew this day was coming. The announcement I had been waiting for since halfway through the The Dark Knight. I was ready. I would leap for joy and immediately run to my blog to bang out a half a dozen reasons they are the right choice, in a nice listicle complete with pictures and witty captions! But wait, something is wrong. This blog is being written at 5:30 in the morning, the day after the announcement. Why not fling off my covers (I was asleep, third shift job) when my roommate passed the word and run to the nearest computer? Because all I could say was, "Oh, oh ok," and go back to bed. What the fuck? How could I even stay in bed, under the covers after such an Earth shattering announcement? Because I couldn't give a shit.
For starters, this isn't a ridiculous, unfounded nerd rant filled with hatred. (I am not one of those Energy Squid fucks from The Watchmen hate machine). Instead, this is a nerd filled road of disenchantment and an overwhelming feeling of, 'Just another super hero movie.' Just hear me out here, I will make it simple. I already decided I would do a listicle and my idea won't change. However, the title does...

The five reasons I couldn't give a shit about Bane and Catwoman being in The Dark Knight Rises


1.  Different shit, same toilet.

Alright, I know The Dark Knight is going to kick ass. I am going to love it as I have loved Nolan's first two Batman movies. That is why this isn't a hate letter. I am not going to write endlessly about how terrible it is even before filming is done and I am not going to refuse to see it. However, I just won't be as excited. I can't.

I have seen these two on film before. The magic is gone. Now, don't come at we with a raging hate boner yelling (i.e. typing in bold caps locked letters with a lot of exclamation points and bad grammar) about how terrible Catwoman the movie was and how everything about Batman and Robin should be buried by hate forever. I agree and I know Nolan will knock these two character out of the park. He will do his research and realize what makes these characters great and flesh these out with actors and actresses that are taking these roles very seriously. I also know that he will ground these villains in stark reality so as to make them less atrociously comical. So don't start.

All I am saying is that I have seen it before. The magic is gone. Even if they portray their respective characters entirely different, which they will, and even if the costuming and make-up is entirely different, which it will be, it doesn't matter. The gravity and feeling of seeing these characters brought to life is gone. The same happened to me with Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight. I was blown away by his performance, the costuming, and the make-up. However, I didn't feel the excitement and rush of seeing two brand new (in film, that is) villains brought to life in Batman Begins. I can't tell you how fucking excited and giddy I was to see the Scarecrow and Ra's al Ghul brought to life.

I was really hoping that Nolan was going to blow everyone's mind by trying to recapture that feeling. I knew that was what Nolan was going to do. It was the only way for him to finish off this amazing trilogy. It had to be Black Mask or Hush or Holiday or Anarky or Deadshot or Owlman or Victor Zsasz or any of the other dozens of awesome rogues from Bat's past and present. I knew it would be one of them.

Fuckin' Condiment King!

And then...Bane...and Catwoman. Literally no surprises (aside from the fact that Nolan had announced his villains), no raging nerd boners, just...Bane and Catwoman.

2. How cool would that have been?

Here, I focus on my problem with Bane. Catwoman will get plenty of hers later, I promise.

To me, Bane was really only awesome in one run: Knightfall. Wherein, if you aren't a huge nerd, Bane spends his childhood in a hellish South American prison where he is forced to take Venom, which grants him his super strength. Eventually he escapes from this prison and turns his attention on Gotham City and more importantly, The Batman (because a demonic bat has haunted his dreams, none the less). In Gotham he realizes a direct confrontation with the Batman would be retarded and full of much failure. So, he decides to orchestrate a mass breakout at Arkham Asylum and lets all of the fun fucks run amok through Gotham city. This includes the Joker, Scarecrow, Riddler, Poison Ivy, Mad Hatter, Black Mask, Firefly, The Ventriloquist, Film Freak, The Cavalier, and Victor Zsasz. Batman spends three exhausting months rounding them all up while Bane is studying him and learning his identity. When Batman returns to his mansion after rounding up the last of them, he is confronted by Bane. He is soundly defeated and finished by getting his back broken over Bane's knee. Bane is the only person to have figuartively and literally 'broken the Bat.' Bruce Wayne passes the mantle to Azrael who is a violent but effective Batman and ultimately is able to defeat Bane.

This better fucking happen





Now, wouldn't that just make for one fuck ton of an awesome trilogy? It would be so easy and you wouldn't even have to change much (not even the actors/actresses)!

I know this is a ridiculous thing to fathom. Nolan wanted to carve his own name into the Bat mythos along with all the other writers, artists, directors, etc,. Who can blame him? His movies were awesome and worked beautifully!

But that doesn't mean that I won't be thinking about how awesome a Knightfall trilogy would have been every single time I see a serious, intelligent, and gritty Bane on screen.

Serious, intelligent, and gritty



3. What Catwoman are we going to see?

I love Catwoman and fully expect Nolan's version to do some justice. But there is a lot of Catwoman to swallow in just the span of one movie. She is one of the most dynamic and fleshed out Batman characters (certainly up there with Bat's, the Joker, Two-Face, and others) and has many different sides to her.

Are we going to see an origins type of thing where Nolan writes her as just a master thief that has always been roaming Gotham but has finally garnered the attention of the Batman? Where she is just an agile chick armed with her wits and a whip?

Take me seriouslyyyyyy

Or are we going to see the more modern version of Catwoman? Where she is cast as more of an anti-hero than a straight up villain. Bouncing between thief and love interest of Batman. Occasionally even aiding our eponimous hero in his fight against the greater evils of Gotham.

There is so much to Selina Kyle that I wouldn't mind just seeing a movie with her and Bats! So I am guessing that Nolan will go with something like this...

Part one of Dark Knight Rises: Bat's is trying to catch master thief, Catwoman.

Part two of Dark Knight Rises: Bat's and Catwoman realize they have more in common...but she is a criminal! Oh no, what are they going to do?!

Part three of Dark Knight Rises: Bats and Cats put aside their differences to stop an unstoppable foe! Bane! Then they make love in a suitably PG-13 fashion. Hurrah!

Just hope it isn't like that one scene in The Watchmen...

And that leads me to...

4. Spiderman 3 haunts me

Now, Mr. Nolan proved that he could handle multiple villains with every single movie. So, I am trusting him to handle it again. However, this time he has a lot to deal with. He has to show that not just one but two characters are a fuck ton more diverse and multi-dimensional than their previous movie adaptations have given them credit for.

To do that, he will have to give a lot of screen time and background to both characters. He was able to do this in The Dark Knight by hammering home who Harvey Dent really is and then showing us the destruction of his character, his rise to Two-Face. But you really can't do that with Catwoman nor Bane. Selina Kyle has a lot in common with Bruce, its a secret identity and that is about it. I mean, Bruce Wayne is cool and it has added a lot of realism to see him do a lot of Bruce Wayne shit, but we really have yet to care about Bruce Wayne. So, this method can't work with Selina Kyle/Catwoman. The same with Bane. Who gives a fuck who Bane is when he isn't doing Bane stuff.

I am going to start yelling this at people

This means that Nolan is going to have to show these character complexities whilst Bane is plotting away and doing other Bane-y things (Hopefully not yelling, "I break people!"). This means he is going to have to capture the intricate interactions of Batman and Catwoman. Not Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne.

Failing to pull this off with either character leaves that character looking just as cheap and tossable as their earlier adaptation(s) already did...and that would suck.

And finally, the reason I am most miffed by the announcement:

5. I think this one is going to feel more like a superhero movie

With everything I have rambled on about; the loss of the magic in the characters, the missed oppurtunity to truly pull off Bane, the depth that is Catwoman, and the complexities of pulling off two multi-dimensional characters...one thing sticks out in my head: this is just a comic book movie.

It is going to be awesome because I love the characters and the universe, the talent has knocked the other movies out of the ball park, and there should be no worries about this one being terrible.

But, I don't think people will talking about the weight of the performances, the frightening portrayal of living in a city under attack by a super villain, or the gravity of being a hero that the movie was able to get across. All things I heard about both the first and second movie. I don't think that will happen. Instead, I think you will hear a lot more, "Oh yeah! That fucking rocked!" And that isn't how a Nolan Batman trilogy should end. A Nolan trilogy should end with the craziest portrayal of being a hero ever fucking seen. Ever.

I am rambling now (as I always am), and I will leave it alone. The last words I will say are

I finally know who I am. I am Bane. I break people.

My proposed rewrite for The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

As you have probably heard by now, people have just now noticed that Mark Twain used the word 'nigger' (or 'the n-word) a solid two hundred times in his book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. How they are just now noticing this is beyond me. Maybe they (they being whoever made this stunning discovery) were drunk and thought it would be fun to see what American classics have offensive or rascist tones and words it. I don't know nor do I care. I think it is kind of ridiculous that they are hacking away at an American classic, but I do kind of understand. Dozens of books have been censored or edited to tone down racial overtones (how many of you know that the Oompa-Loompas in Charlie and Chocolate Factory were originally written as African pygmies?) and they walked away from their rewrites with their dignity intact. Who says that Huck Finn won't do the same?

However, there is a bit of a difference with Huck Finn when compared to other book. Mainly the difference between tone and words. Mark Twain just outright drops the N-bomb two hundred times in the book. It is easy enough to change the tone of something (change the Oompa-Loompas skin to orange...oh wait, that is still racist. Uhh, OK now they are white. Is everyone comfortable and happy now?) But it gets more difficult when it is an actual thing that a character says.

For instance, here is a classic quote (and one everyone is waving around as a good example of why this edit is needed) from the book:

"Well, if I ever struck anything like it, I'm a nigger. It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race."

Huck Finn is talking about two characters conning the entire town. So, he is pretty much using that derogatory term to liken black people to thieves. And that lowering himself to stealing from so many people would make one. Ouch. That...that is pretty racist. However, if you look at the time and place this story takes place...it (though terribly so) makes sense that this kid would be saying something like this. It is the 1840s in bum-fuck Missouri. For fuck's sake, he looks like this:

 My cousin is also my Pa!

Don't you start fucking tracing my IP address and throwing bricks through my window, I am in no way defending the use of this word. All I am saying is that it isn't going to be easy to change that sentence around. Especially since Mark Twain is using this book as a major platform against entrenched attitudes. What is an entrenched attitude. Why, how about...fucking racism in the South I mean you can't make this backwoods fuck sound intelligent. I really don't know what else you are going to do.

So, I have come up with the ultimate rewrite.

I. Bring. To. You....

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn Connor and the T-1000

The set up requires adding a bit of back story to the book but that is ok. Something like this will do:

In the year 2029, Skynet sends a T-1000 Terminator back to 1984 to destroy Sarah Connor. This, is not that story. This is the story of before Skynet had perfected its time travel technology and was just shitting T-1000's all over history, like a drunk trying to fuck a vaccuum cleaner. One of them landed in the back ass woods of Missouri in the 1840s. He was immediately sodomized and given a gun. Apparently, they thought it was his birthday. After killing the strange greeting party, the T-1000 learned that an ancestor of Sarah Connor lived in here. He was an imbred and constantly drunk teenager named Huckleberry Finn Connor...

Simply change the story to make it this crazy adventure with all the crazy hijinx of Huckleberry Finn Connor but with the added drama and action of running away from an unstoppable killing machine! After witnessing the death and destruction this thing causes, Huck and company start using it as a derogatory term!

"Well, if I ever struck anything like it, I'm a T-1000. It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race."

Look at that shit, I just killed two birds with one stone. I removed the racism and I just made this book exciting for an entire new generation.

You may start sending me my royalty checks..........now.