Just kidding, you know I love you guys!
Now, do not get me wrong, I love a fuck ton of D.C. characters. I just hate a lot of their writers. You know what I would have done if I wanted and intrinsic, psychological view into the human psyche? Not fucking dropped out of college and gone into fucking psychology. You know what I want in a super hero comic? Fucking super heroes doing fucking super things. That is it.
And to clarify, I am not afraid of a writer weighing in on the intrinsic, moralistic, and psychological reasons behind a hero. I fucking love that shit. That is what made me fall in love with Spider-Man. However, I don't need an entire comic franchise rewritten to handle this. Morrison's Batman run? What the fuck? Let's forget about uhhhh ninety-five percent of his rogues gallery and just write about him being a clinically insane guy that goes clinically insane and punches bad people in the face? Yeah, that works. You are hired. Balance is required. Remember that you are writing a super hero comic book and not fucking Taxi Driver and I will enjoy your work for the most part.
Batman by Grant Morrison
You know who does that balance like no other? Garth Ennis.
Garth Ennis wrote some of the most ball beating, fuck your step-sister and her family, in your face Judge Dredd ever conceived. He fucking made the Punisher readable to the modern audience, and he wrote some of the single best chunks of Hellblazer. Ever. If you don't agree with these sentiments I will respect you for your opinion...while beating you with a bag of quarters and oranges (the number of quarters depends upon my current budget, but the oranges are a sure bet).
So let's say that we (I) let Garth Ennis just write all of the D.C. universe. Here are my ideas of the awesome that would ensue...
Garth Ennis writes Green Lantern..
Holy shit, Green Lantern sucks so many dicks that reading it, you get confused as to who your dad is. Boxing gloves, hammers, and all that fucking other baby crap that the Green Lantern always creates, FUCK THAT! These dudes are only limited to their god fucking imagination.
Hey, this is Ronald. Can you please stop being fucking retarded?
Get Ennis in their writing a story where the Lanterns are summoning mother-fucking elephants to trample their opponents. Let Ennis give a Lantern a drinking problem and let hilarity ensue as he refuses to let his ring be revoked (you know, for his drinking problem) by fighting his former friends with fucking giant green house and an 18th century warship. Why hasn't a Lantern hit someone with a green house yet?! Why is Green Lantern the best thing ever? They can make anything, anything!
Because Garth Ennis isn't writing him, that is why.
Garth Ennis writes (more) Batman
Alright so Garth Ennis has written a few handfuls of solid Batman already. BUT, what if this wonderful human being was unleashed upon his own run? Holy fuck is what happens.
There were several parts of the Punisher during Ennis' run that barely even featured the Punisher. It took place mostly from the view of the current enemy and or a detective trying to track the Punisher down. The big bastard would only show up long enough to kill the shit out of everyone and then disappear again.
This style could work really well for Batman as well. Yeah, yeah Bats doesn't kill but he is a big mean bastard. When Batman did appear, he could still bring a lot of quick, intense brutality to his enemies. Oh, and you know who does kill?
Oh, hi there!
Writing primarily from the perspective of the Joker, Ennis could quickly remind us who is one of the craziest evil bastards in comic books. Add in some police perspective, cleaning up the Joker's mess and Bat's beaten, broken enemies. Finally add in a few quick glimpses of Batman in action and of course, a final showdown. This could be absolutely awesome.
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Alright, well I will let everyone chew over those two and I might write a couple more heroes that Ennis could rock if anyone reads this one. And please remember, this is primarily written for humor (especially the Green Lantern bit). I have a lot of respect for 98% of the D.C. Universe's writing staff and I know that actually doing any of the things I have said here would really change up the character and especially what they are trying to do with the characters' current identity. So, if you want to comment, do realize that I already know how fucked up these ideas are and don't call me a blatant Marvel troll....because I know that.
